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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help re partners breakdown

7 replies

heraldgerald · 13/08/2023 07:50

Hi there
Please could anyone give me advice or help? Dp had a work stress related breakdown in may. Hes been off work since may and is now on sertraline. He is due to go back paet time soon but it's a stressful, performance based and client facing job. At home He gets really emotional when triggered (not clear what triggers him) and often scratching himself or hitting himself in distress and then I rey to help calm and come back down. I am trying to support as much as I can. He's been discharged from the crisis team and has a referral appointment upcoming for iapt. Could anyone share their experience of how to support a positive recovery?

OP posts:
blobby10 · 13/08/2023 08:10

Having been through something similar I can only offer virtual hugs and empathy - my partner had something similar but despite my absolute best efforts I failed to help him. However much you love him helping and supporting him will drain you and if he doesn't want to or isn't capable of helping himself then whatever you do will only damage your physical and mental health. I truly hope your DP gets through this and the two of you enjoy the rest of your lives together xxx

heraldgerald · 13/08/2023 08:44

Thank you Blobby for your kind words and sympathy they are much appreciated. I'm so sorry to hear that things were/ are so hard with him. Wishing you all the best x

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frumpalertt · 13/08/2023 08:50

Absolutely agree with Blobby. Too many men expect women to fix them, and women take on that stress and then go mad with the lack of progress. The only thing you can do is to provide a supportive environment in which he can recover should be choose to work on the things that are required for that to happen (and it is hard, daily work). If he is just going to sit around and not try proactively to get better, there is very little you can do.

I left a guy after trying everything I could think of to help. He refused to go to therapy, to take meds, or to work on CBT. He refused free training for an extremely expensive qualification he had at work that would have allowed him to get out of the rut he was stuck in. He just wanted to sit in front of the computer and flirt with other women on chat. Saying "You know what, your mental health is your own responsibility and I am leaving" was such a relief, I felt literally unburdened.

Octavia64 · 13/08/2023 08:56

I had a breakdown last Feb.

The sertraline will be helping,

Self harming is often a soothing thing for the person doing it although obviously it looks very bad to anyone else looking.

It may be worth having a conversation with him about how he soothes himself and whether he can try other ways of doing it that aren't harming. Rocking, meditating, eating chocolate, having a stone that he strokes - sensory things that might be able to replace the self harm.

Gordonsgrin · 13/08/2023 09:01

My story is more positive. My husband went through similar, he was off work for a few months, had medication, his employers paid for therapy (it was their fault he had his meltdown). He then returned to work for a few months until he left for a new better paid, equally stressful but better supported job.
My husband is awesome, can’t pretend it was easy on me but I am so glad we got through it. Good luck OP.

Flightorflounder · 13/08/2023 09:03

Sending you strength. I think there are different situations. Sometimes as frumpalertt had highlighted, they won't help themselves and put the blame on external things, feigning helplessness and hurting those closest. In that case all you can do is detach with love and, as hard as it is, allow them to fail so they hot rock bottom. Its up to them.

Sometimes however, someone has a breakdown but does want to get better and is willing to do the work but its hard, slow going. Feels like wading through hardening cement. We had someone very close to us have a breakdown amd suicide attempt (not my partner) and they moved in with us.

The difference was they wanted to be better. Not going to lie, it was years. They sought out therapy, took medication. Sometimes they couldnt make decisions so we set out basic things thay were non negotiable. You must go outside for a walk everyday. You must eat a proper meal at least twice a day, these are your chores (very basic) we rely on you to do them because you are still part of the team.

Sometimes they didnt but we didnt let them away with it. Holding the most basic expectations meant they didnt feel completely helpless. We also still talked to them about our problems and they would help, they found that beneficial.

Mental health is a deep dark hole. People can and do climb out of it. You can throw down a rope (helping them get therapy/medication) but its up to them to climb it. The most important thing is you dont get pulled down the hole too. You matter. There is no shame in saying, this is a lot at the moment and stepping away. In fact it may help the person see outside their own tunnel vision.

You cant pour from an empty cup.

heraldgerald · 13/08/2023 12:36

Thank you so much for these amazing responses, I am so grateful. I will reply properly later but I am just about to go on a walk with dp and he has been doing some sudoku and crosswords this morning and seems to be better. He really does seem to want to be better and to do the work involved - for me, it's just so awful seeing him in such distress then with marks and injuries I'm finding it very hard, as I love him very much. xx

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