To not be able to move past my breastfeeding regret

[Norie]

This is a bit of a long and pointless post because I can’t change the past. Maybe it just feels therapeutic to type it out.

I have 2 DC who are 3 and 18 months. When I was pregnant with my first I was quite sure I was going to bottle feed because I’m very self conscious and I would never have felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of relatives or in public and I also liked the thought of help with feeding from DP. However I was always set on trying to breastfeed to see how we got on.

i suppose I was very naive in that in my head because breastfeeding was natural, it would just happen and because I was giving birth in a hospital, I presumed there would be a good level of support to show you the ropes.

Anyway baby is born, won’t latch at all. Later that day midwife assistant tries again, still won’t latch, says she will come back in 30 mins, doesn’t come back so I cracked open a bottle and breastfeeding was never spoken of again. I did get some feedback that my boobs were very big and my nipples were flat so I would have to get a breast pump to draw them out. A breast pump seemed like an expensive investment when I didn’t know what I was doing. I bought a hand pump when I got home but didn’t know what I was doing with that and only used it once.

when I had DC2 same story of not latching at all, this time I did have some more support in hospital, I was put on a pump but got nothing out. I hand expressed colostrum for 5 days which I gave along side formula.

I can’t shake the guilt and regret and not trying harder, not educating myself. There was lots of missed opportunities where I could have educated myself during pregnancy, pushed harder for support, advocated for myself that it’s what I wanted to do instead of quietly doing something I didn’t really want to do because that seemed easier. Back then I thought formula was just as good, I didn’t understand the health benefits and now feel so guilty that I could have done more to give them the best start. Selfishly I also feel gutted that I’ve missed out on the experience.

this has all been brought back to the surface by an article I saw recently about the worrying increase in bowel cancer in under 45s and how they THINK it could
be linked to formula because it doesn’t support the gut microbiome. Sent me back to a place I thought I had moved past.

I put YANBU by mistake but actually you really are being unreasonable to yourself. Your babies were both fed and presumably loved, cared for and are healthy. Breastfeeding is really hard and, if you don’t get support, it’s even harder. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Always look forward, not back.

Breastfeeding can be hard for some women, and - and this is important - super-easy for others. The playing field is not level. For you, it was extremely difficult and you didn’t have much support.

There is plenty you can do to support your kids’ microbiome which will have a much greater effect on their bowel health going forward - read Chris can Tulleken’s book on ultra-processed food. Breastfeeding is only a small part of the job of parenting, if you look at the whole journey into adulthood.

I understand you feel sad about not getting the experience of successful breastfeeding. I get that. But you mustn’t blame yourself. Put it behind you and concentrate on the parenting to come, which you will have far more control over.

Breastfeeding guilt is really hard OP - have a look at Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma and Why It Matters xx

OP do not feel guilty! You did what was right for you and have 2 lovely kids. Breastfeeding support in this country is shocking. I really wanted to breastfeed (after a difficult pregnancy I wanted my body to do something right- a whole other thing to be guilty about) but also couldn’t get baby to latch, was left to it in the hospital (post c-section) with no help, it was awful. When I got home I had to hire a lactation consultant to come to my house! I shouldn’t have had to do that, and it’s not feasible for everyone.

You fed your babies. You did great. Everything else is just noise.

OP I think you’re being too hard on yourself. FWIW stopping/not being able to breastfeed triggers the same response as grief. Hormones are all over the place. I agree there’s little helpful literature on the early days of feeding: colostrum, nipple trauma, the fact it’s actually quite hard even for those for whom it’s easy.

Well I tried breast feeding. My boys would have latched on to anything and I mean anything from bits of jersey and up. I had supply side problems - just not enough milk and ended up black and blue with a severely dehydrated baby with my first. They were talking about admitting him to hospital. It was a nightmare. I formula fed round the clock over the weekend and I will never forget the look of joy on my son's face when he got that bottle and his little hands gripping it.

Nobody really know why younger people are getting bowel cancer. I mean lots of people in older generations were formula fed. Think of all those adopted babies in the fifties and sixties. By the time your babies are young adults they will probably have figured it out. You did your best in difficult circumstances. I mean I too just thought you just sort of plugged them on. My mother apparently had an oversupply problem and it was only later that she told me her sister had the same problem as me.

All sorts of family members came out of the woodwork afterwards. My SIL was determined to breast feed and persevered for six weeks till the baby resembled a wizened monkey. Her husband eventually bought bottles and formula, threw out the La Leche supporters who were practically camping in the house and got the baby on a feeding routine. My SIL was a nurse too.

I think you just have to move on from this and concentrate on things you can do now. You did the best you could in the circumstances. I had all the help in the world and it still didn't work for me.

This isn't your fault or something you've failed with. The system has been stacked against you and your weren't supported the way you should have been.
I had different problems, the short book mentioned above, Breastfeeding Grief and Why it Matters really helped me (I listened to the audio version).
You're a good mum and did the best you could by your kids, research looks at a whole population level and often any difference in outcomes is therefore very minor if at all.

You’re not being unreasonable to feel this way. I felt (and feel) real grief when I couldn’t breastfeed DS. I am currently expressing milk for DD (4 weeks on Tuesday) but it isn’t sustainable and I’ll feel the same then. I don’t know what it is 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have spent time and money and I guess for whatever reason it doesn’t work.

I hate the aggressive marketing by the formula companies and lining their bloody pockets too!

Hi OP. Sending love. Please don’t feel guilty.

My situation sounds pretty much the same as you. My son never latched. I also have big boobs and flat nipples. I couldn’t get any colostrum out before birth, and barely any out afterwards, my milk didn’t come in for 4 days either.

I ended up pumping for 5 months, could never get even half out of what he needed. In the end I couldn’t go on and quit.

I’m pregnant again and will attempt some colostrum if I can get more out, but I will be going straight to formula. Some women just can’t breastfeed and formula saves lives.

I’m no scientist but i’d be sceptical about that study. Surely, rather than someone not being breastfed 44 years ago, bowel cancer at a young age is more likely to be genetic or to be as a result of all the crap someone has eaten during their life?

I was formula fed and my brother was breastfed. No difference in health between us and I have no allergies/eczema/asthma/hayfever.

When your children are 18 it won't matter what you fed them so why spend their childhood wasting it away by worrying? makes no sense

This is not your fault. This is years and years of breastfeeding not being supported by governments and health services across the globe. This is not your fault. But it is also perfectly normal to have a sense of grief of not breastfeeding. Overtime that grief may still be there but your life will be bigger and wider and the grief will feel smaller in comparison.

I'm not sure which study you've read, but the only one I can find shows an increased risk for colorectal cancer in women who WERE breastfed as infants.

https://www.ndph.ox.ac.uk/publications/1000828

But, that's basically irrelevant anyway, many of the breastfeeding benefits confer such a small positive increase and from what you've said so far your children don't have any allergies and are healthy.

You tried, it didn't work and rather than getting all stressed about it and giving your newborn child a stressed mother, you fed them another way.

Give it 18 months and unless you have another child, you'll be out of that zone and no-one will mention it again.

You don't need to feel remotely guilty about not breastfeeding, if everyone felt as you there'd be millions going around wringing their hands because NOT breastfeeding is pretty much the norm around where I am. It is a wasted feeling in this case, crack on with ensuring good nutrition and habits with your children. But I do find it odd that you can say that you can say 'back then I didn't know the benefits, I thought formula was just as good'. We are bombarded with messages which quite rightly point to all the evidence being around the benefits of breastfeeding. And even if we weren't it is simply common sense that the thing we are biologically designed to do/have is the best. Make sure that going forward you are more aware of the basics of good nutrition so thar you're not coming back in 5 years time having made what you see as another set of errors of ignorance. But overall, you need to get out of your own head, get on with the parenting you need to do now, not the parenting you feel you failed at in some respect then. It's done, don't waste any more time on it.

Well said. My DH would have done the same as your BIL if I hadn’t already made that mental shift. DC 1 just refused the breast. Not one single mw could get him feeding, but our very experienced community mw was brilliant. Said she’d breast fed her first and third but her second did what mine was doing and to give him the bottle. I expressed a bit but he mostly had formula. Tried again with DS2 but had s section and struggled again. Went straight to bottle with him.

OP, I have strappingly healthy 23 & 15 year olds- strong academically as well. It is fine to bottle feed and remember that most of us born in the 60s were bottle fed. I understand the upset - went through it myself both times. But looking back it was a whole load of wasted energy.

I understand how you feel! I had similar issues latching at hospital, they were willing to support however couldn’t work out what the problem is. Once out of hospital I saw a midwife every day for support, up to date 5. They were insisting it was fine, that we would get there. I questioned whether my supply could be an issue, was I’m he not getting enough? They told me that wasn’t possible. He was then admitted to hospital at day 5 after losing 16% of his body weight and becoming very dehydrated and we were in for 4 days. Thankfully he started getting better after starting formula and now he’s thriving.

Me and my husband were furious with ourselves for listening to the midwives and not starting formula earlier. I knew something was wrong but I was told it wasn’t.

You starting formula when you did likely prevented your baby becoming very unwell, you did the right thing.

All that being said I still get guilt for not breastfeeding, although stopping literally saved my babies life.

Let’s both stop being hard on ourselves.

If you want to give them breatmilk you can maybe restart the supply by pumping 8 times a day - I couldn't breastfeed but pumped a few times a day for first 6m (only able to as I am staying with retired parents on are on hand to help with baby) you can hire madela pump from hospital about £45/'month (cheaper than formula).

However remember the benefits of breatmilk are all other things being equal breastmilk is better- there are so so so many other things that are in your control that you can do to help their biome via healthy diets for them growing up. Remember that most Uk babies aren't breastfed for long and you did try- it's our healthcare system and culture that failed you, you haven't failed as a mum xx

Sorry OP i really wouldn’t take the suggestion above about pumping 8 times a day. It’s EXHAUSTING. I could only manage 7 times a day, and that was because it was lockdown and my husband was wfh so he could hold the baby, and I was knackered.

Well, OP, I took years to forgive myself for not having breastfed, and I literally tried everything, took every possible form of advice (GP, HV, midwives, La Leche League, NCT BF café and peer supporter, paid-for lactation consultant), wore nipple shields (inverted nipples), pumped multiple times daily to help with supply (supply never established more than a trickle), used a supplemental nursing system (taped tubes going down to nipples under nipple shield, connected to a bottle of formula hanging around my neck to try to encourage DS to feed from the breast) -- and I kept this up, to my own detriment, for the first 10 weeks of DS's life, meaning I made an already hard time much harder.

Still didn't work. No milk ever came, other than a tiny trickle.

The only person who can move past this regret is you. And I absolutely get the guilt. But only you can put it to bed. Talk it through with a therapist?

I know a lot of women who have breastfed successfully, a lot of women who have breastfed and found it really hard and some who have not got going at all. What I’ve noticed is that ALL my friends with big boobs really struggled. Even if they could get feeding established it was really slow going. I don’t know a single one of my friends who had big boobs who found it quick and easy and I attended every toddler group going in the area and met a lot of women!! In contrast, the smaller the boobs, generally the easier and quicker the feed (I’m talking once BF is established).

If you think about it, it makes sense because if there is a lot of tissue around the milk glands, it has further to move and the tissue surrounding the glands might make the milk flow more sluggish, drain slowly and get backed up more.

I was an A cup when I got pregnant and was a B/C-cup when feeding. I was terrified I wouldn’t have enough milk!! But once the time came I discovered I could express 6ounces of milk in 2 minutes, I guess because my boobs were literally all milk glands??

I don’t think this is discussed much online, there’s a lot about women being worried about their small boobs not being big enough to feed… There’s not much about boobs being too big to breastfeed, unless it is to do with smothering the baby and positioning.

I would love to see some research done about breast size and ease of feeding, this is just something I have noticed having been in contact with hundreds of breastfeeding mothers over the 6 collective years I fed for.

My gut feeling is that it is, in general, much harder for big boobied ladies to feed and I don’t think this is appreciated enough.

I’m sure I’ll have lots of replies with people saying ‘well I had big boobs and didn’t have a problem’ etc but I think it would need a proper survey to establish any real correlation, there will be plenty of people who don’t correlate as per any survey.

Breast or bottle feeding is such a tiny part of feeding your child in the grand scheme of things...its maybe 6 months or a year of feeding, then you have another 16 plus years of trying to feed them nutritious healthy food. Your babies were well fed and loved which is the main thing, focus on the future as you cant change the past, fed is best.