How to gain come control over my life and find joy

[User5512]

looks like DH and I are stuck in a busy race day in day out. And it is extremely stressful

1. we both work full time. It is very consuming. Taking a low paid job is false economy. I tried it, I work as hard due to the nature of my role.
2. I feel scared and guilty we are neglecting our mental and physical health. DH is slightly better. I didn’t exercise in months and my mental health is rubbish. I feel extremely anxious and stressed as my job is currently marked for redundancy. I’m having palpitations and muscle weakness. Snapping at DH and kids and I feel really bad about this
3. i feel like I don’t know how to spend “quality time” with kids. I’m consumed by chores and housework. Don’t have time for doing anything fun with children. My 7yr old constantly complains he wants to fun stuff with me and I am either doing household work or on my stupid phone.
4. I am 43 and get quite worried we won’t have enough for retirement. But, also worried I am so stressed and in poor health that it doesn’t matter. I’m scared my kids will grow up without a mother.

Im looking for support and tips on how to make my life better. What can I do to spend quality time with my children? How do you engage with your 7-8yr olds and 14yr old? How do I de-stress? What can I do ?

I’m so sorry, I know the feeling of being trapped and not seeing a way out. I would start thinking of slightly higher paying jobs and possibly look at going to four days a week. Look at the redundancy as a gift. You are forced to find something else. If you can’t find a high paying job make sure you work your pay rate.

With the house I would batch cook and freeze meals so you can try to free up time in the evening to exercise.

With the house work I would write a list of absolutely everything mental and physically that gets done by you and DP. Then write a list of responsibilities and put a name next to it. This includes the cooking. Set aside 30 minutes on a weekend and everyone helps kids included.

With quality time ask the kids what they want and actually do some of the suggestions. Hopefully once you try to take a small step to make changes you feel like you are taking control of your life.

Bumping for responses

Saturday Morning Blitz the house, strip beds, make them again straight away so that its done and you don't have to worry about making it later on its done. bathroom, dust and hoover, get it done by lunch, then saturday afternoon is set aside for fun
sunday, lazy morning, then a nice easy tea and a walk or again some activity
Food shop Monday night - or get it delivered.
Meal Plan

I hated working 4 days a week, felt that I was trapped but I had to make it work for me and I found having set days to do stuff and meal planning etc worked for me
Washer on in a morning and then on maiden overnight
What time do you get home from work op

Are you the only one doing all the chores? I delegate out as there's no way I'm doing it all on my own, plus they need to learn to be responsible humans - we all live together, so we all tidy and clean together.

I understand that trapped feeling, I felt like I was a hamster on a wheel that I couldn't get out off.

Combine exercise with time with your DC.

At various times over the years, with the DC DH and/or I have done:

• long walks/hiking
• scootering
• cycling
• swimming (for years I would swim then DH would bring DC and I would play with them whilst he had his swim)
• tennis
• DC cycling whilst DH runs

Also for exercise I have found a 10 minute push ups/abs/bum workout that I enjoy. I do it 5 or 6 times a week, it all adds up.

Loads of tips on MN of you look up simplifying your life too. From TOMM for cleaning to batch cooking to decluttering etc.

Turn off the TV and play board games with DC (this can be hard cos you're all exhausted and want to flop in front of TV but just once a week or every 2 weeks and we saw a real difference in our familys happiness)

Deep breath
You are overwhelmed.
Firstly you need to see aside an hour with Dh and plan your week.
I would meal plan and get shopping delivered.
Look at the organised mum method to get on top of the housework.
Put family time and outings in your calendar.

For me it depends if those things are the actual things that are the problem, or just the focus right now. Or is it more deep rooted and if those things were fixed it would be other things that then become the problem.

If it's the latter, the I'd suggest your concern about physical and mental health is central. I lift, it makes me feel awesome, so I stress a lot less about all the other stuff. My physical and mental health is better, so all the things that could be a problem are less of one. Things are in no way perfect but I'm more resilient to them.

It's the best change I ever made to my life.

It sounds exhausting. I think you need to have a long chat with your DH away from the house and explain how you are feeling. But have a plan to chat about. In your shoes (and both working FT is stressful with kids) I’d look at:

1. get up an hour earlier and use that time to exercise. DH is on kids duty. He can get the breakfast ready/put a wash on. Go for a walk, listen to a cheerful podcast. Build up to a run. I guarantee with you out of the house and him on duty, he’ll want in on the action and pretty soon you’ll be taking turns for exercise time. Take your full lunch hour at work to do something for yourself.
2. get your cv up to date and LinkedIn profile (if you have one). Job hunting is a numbers game. Apply for everything you think you are qualified for. You’ll feel more in control of the redundancy situation.
3. meal plan everything including snacks. Give each child their own box of snacks for the week. Explain once they’re gone, they’re gone. Leave fruit and veg as free choice. Batch cook and freeze.
4. Leave Saturday afternoons and Sundays free of chores. Let each child choose a family activity or have 1:1 time. Kids love doing simple stuff with you. Swimming/crafts/sport/baking. It doesn’t have to involve taking on the national debt at cineworld.
5. Saturday mornings clean and vacuum everywhere. Change beds etc. get the kids involved. Make Saturday mornings your food delivery day. Consider Friday night being an ‘easy dinner’ night - something from the freezer or a supermarket ‘takeaway’ dinner.
6. Do not go to bed leaving an untidy house or dirty kitchen. Get the kids into the habit of packing school bags the night before and leaving out their uniform to check no shirt needs ironing in the morning etc. PE kits when washed go straight back into kit bags.
7. make sure everyone in the house understands that running the house is not just a ‘mum job’.
8. If your child is noticing you are always on ‘your stupid phone’ change that habit, phones are designed to be addictive. You have the power to do something positive with that time.

Keep posting. You sound very overwhelmed so be kind to yourself. Lots of us have been there where you are now and there is plenty of help and ideas available.

Yes to PP. My kids have always loved baking cookies and cakes with me. Added benefit of something yummy to eat afterwards!

My 9 year old now makes them by himself if ever he's bored (we bake and freeze if necessary)

I would do a worry map. Get your children and dh to do it too. A big sheet of paper each and write down everything that is worrying you. Look for clusters and linked problems and things you could do to change. Eg if your children do any sports, could you join in somehow? I know it can feel like it's the only break you get, but if you swim or something with them it means time with them and exercise. I was certainly doing Parkrun with ds by 7 and it was genuinely good all round.

Yy to trying to take genuine breaks at work - put your phone down, go for a stroll. Even if its 30 minutes. It's still legal last time I looked.

Yy to meal planning. And get basic with meals. Baked potatoes, fish fingers, meatballs, big vats of tomato sauce that you freeze and have with pasta, sardines on toast, boiled eggs with soldiers, frozen veg - strip right down to basics, they're all good meals.

If you have any way at all to scrape together cash for a cleaner, do. But most people can't, so reduce the load. Change beds fortnightly not weekly. Rewear clothes more often (not socks and pants). Get a robot hoover if you can, it doesn't fix everything but you have floors that are cleaner more often.

Things will get easier. Teens are expensive in some ways but at least you stop having to pay for childcare. You're right to prioritise your health. Try and see your GP to set health priorities for you both.

Just like you make time for chores, make time for dc and relaxing. It's so important.

Have as many meals together as you can.
On the days you have time for longer meals, start a 'would you rather...?' game or ask some discussion type questions and all get stuck in.
Google for ideas.

Go for after dinner walks. Walking and chatting is a great combination. It can help reduce anxiety too. Go for 15 mins if you feel like you don't have much time.

Get everyone stuck in with a cleaning blitz. Either Friday evening or Saturday morning and then relax for the weekend.

Have Friday night movie nights with pizza dinner on sofa or snacks after dinner. Choose films beforehand so you're not wasting time browsing then.

Go out with dc once over the weekend.
Go to parks, country parks, bike rides, fly kites, throw frisbees, kick balls, have picnics, visit national trust properties, take scooters, take binoculars and spot birds, throw stones into streams/ponds and see who can throw furthest.

Go swimming.

Wait for a clear night, make hot chocolate, take some blankets and go look at stars. See if the international space station is due to fly over and look out for it.

Play board games. We usually save them for rainy dull weekends. Same with jigsaw puzzles. Get one and start it, dc will see you doing it and join in. 300 piece would be good to start off with for a 7/8 yr old.

Give the dc chores so you're not doing everything and make sure your dh is doing stuff too.

Write a timetable for chores and do meal plans of easy meals that dh and teen can do.

we both work full time. It is very consuming. Taking a low paid job is false economy. I tried it, I work as hard due to the nature of my role

But surely you worked fewer hours? So the younger 2 didn't have to go to after school club every day (assuming they do).

You're at least 25 years from retirement so plenty of time to catch up when your children are older.

Go part time and you can use the spare hours to keep the house clean and tidy. Do this as a family, don't become the house elf.

Cook and eat better.

Free up time to exercise - a family swim where you and DH take it in turns to be with the kids whilst the other goes to the gym.

It really is so hard when both parents work full time. Reducing your hours if you can afford to will make such a difference to family life.
Wait and see what happens with the redundancy threat then see if you can work reduced hours.

You aren't thinking straight. List the problems and deal with them.

You can't control redundancy. But you can stop pointlessly worrying about it, and get your Cv updated and out there in preparation.

Look at your pension, forecast, and increase your employee contribution to as much as you can.

Meal plan and eat well. Exercise and take time for yourself, have a bath. Allow some time for you. These are basics and you shouldn't need to be told to incorporate them.

Could you cycle to work for exercise and get a cleaner

Joining in. I'm sorry to hear this OP but I can relate to your post entirely. I've been single parenting for several years and even when I wasn't I was 'carrying most of the load'. I seem to be so obsessed with 'being on top of things' and maintaining good financial security. I have genuinely forgotten how to find joy, enjoy my kids and am at present in a rut of anxiety and less self care. Looking to learn from others here.

The 'making memories' brigade might sound twee and silly, but they do have a point.
Have a think about how your dc are experiencing childhood. Not necessarily in terms of going to exciting places and having endless fun but how do they feel?
Do they feel secure and happy, confident to talk to their parent about anything they need? Do they feel their parent prioritises them and gives them time?
Or are they feeling that their parent shouts too much and prioritises the cleaning and their phone over them?
You don't need to sacrifice one for the other, it's about getting a balance.

In your shoes I’d first focus on getting a better paid job or upskill to be able to do that. Money buys options and a peace of mind, and anyone who says otherwise hasn’t had real money worries.

As other PP suggested, there are excellent cheap activities like:

• board games
• going to the library together and picking adventure books, then reading together (stuff like Tolkien, Jules Verne etc)
• woodland walks (take sandwiches and a flask with tea/cocoa)
• sports like Parkrun, tennis (lots of parks have free courts), rock climbing centres, swimming
• Jigsaws, crosswords, colouring - doing the same thing next to each other is quite enjoyable
• Learn new card games together - like Hearts, Belote, 3-5-8, Sixty-Six, Rummy are all so fun for children
• Gardening together can be quite fun

Palpitations and muscle weakness could be stress but could also be a medical issue so maybe a GP check up would be a good place to start.

You've done well to identify that life is not going how you want at the moment. However, trying to change everything all at once could be overwhelming. Can you think of 1 or 2 small things that could improve life for you and your family and start with those. When you've achieve a small change it can help motivate you for another small change then they add up over time

Don’t worry about the 14 year old - they probably don’t want to spend time with you. Just offer the odd trip out for a coffee with them or a trip shopping and just check in on them regularly to see if they need a chat about anything.

if you can afford it, hire a cleaner even if only once every 2 weeks.

Dont worry about pensions. Retirement is voluntary not compulsory and the state pension is now over £10k a year. You don’t need as much as you think you do in retirement.

Pursue a hobby that is just for you as it will give you something to look forward to.

Never work more than your contracted hours. That is a mugs game.

Talk about your worries and stresses with your husband.

So tough OP, I sympathise. I've been prioritising my exercise lately. Just 3 short 20min workouts a work would help. Use YouTube for them. I'd get up 20 mins earlier to fit it in if possible.

For phone use, maybe set some ground rules for yourself. Put it away on airplane mode for an hour or so at the weekend and spend that time playing a board game with the kids or for a walk in a park? Try an hour phone free before bed. Bath and book?