To have taken phone off of DS?

[awsrb320042000]

Not sure if this belongs here or another topic so apologies if this is in the wrong place but it is an AIBU but also for advice.

DS is 14, he told me he thought he was bisexual at the start of the year, I obviously told him I accepted him and that was that.

A few months ago, I noticed he started making more of an effort in his appearance, doing his hair and wearing aftershave and brushing his teeth without me having to remind him. I asked him if he was in a relationship and he said no. A month ago he came to me and told me he has a boyfriend, I told him to invite him around for dinner and DS made excuses about him being busy and then it was that he was shy etc etc. I met him about 2 weeks ago and I was an expecting a boy like DS however he was tall and looked older than him. DS told me he was 15 when I asked. He carried on saying this everytime until I got it out of him that he was 16 and turning 17 in a few months, therefore starting sixth form.

A few days ago he admitted he met this boy online on an app called ‘wizz’ which is an app for teens to make friends on apparently which I find very strange and potentially dangerous. I do check his phone every 2 weeks and he knows this so this app was never on there when I was checking it. I was unhappy and he told me he doesn't use it anymore as he's in a relationship so it sounded a lot like he was looking for a relationship on there.

Today he went out and I told him to be back by 9, I'm unsure if this was right as I'm struggling to find a time for him to be back home by. 9pm came and he wasn't home so I messaged to see where he was and he told me at x’s (his friend) house, I didn't believe him so I messaged their mum and she confirmed that he wasn't. He said he was at his boyfriends and wasn't coming home until 10:30 as they were watching a film. He wouldn't give me the address so I could pick him up so got the mum to drop him off and didn't get back until after 11.

He gave me a lot of attitude about him doing what he wants, told me to leave him alone and whilst I was talking to him about starting out late he was smirking and said he'll do it again. This behaviour isn't like him.

I've taken his phone and told him he can't see his boyfriend which he has said is unfair and then he started crying so I do feel a bit bad now.

Was I BU?

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At 14 he doesnt get to tell you what he's doing and when. I have a 14 year old and felt uncomfortable reading what he's getting up to, with a near 17 year old!

I personally don’t agree with taking kids property off them, especially at that age, imagine if somebody took your things because they didn’t like what you did, it’s not going to promote a healthy and trusting relationship.

Also don’t think banning him from see his boyfriend is the best idea. You are going to teach him to hide everything from you and just get more sneaky about what he does.

Sounds abit hippy, but honestly, with my 2 teenagers I’ve always just sat them down and had a calm conversation with them, putting my opinion across, allowing theirs in return and negotiating. I always make sure I tell them exactly why I am putting such and such boundaries in place and that I am trying to keep them safe and make good choices etc. I may be lucky, but has worked so far.

I would put consequences in for repetitive lateness such as telling them the next time they ask to go out they’ll be expected In earlier until they can show me that I can trust them, again, this is for safety reasons.

Have you spoken about safe sex.

Sexually Transmitted infections are very important to discuss

Get some leaflets and leave them on his bed

Im not a strict mum by any stretch of the imagination but I wouldn't let my daughters date someone that much older that they met on an app.
My 14 year old would be grounded and phone confiscated for 6 months for their own safety.
One of our daughters went a bit off the rails at one point so we took her phone for 4 months and the bad friendship circle she had Fizzled out and she then made newer more appropriate friends and all was good. She now thanks us for doing that, as now she's older she sees where it was heading.
I think you have every right to take control of this situation. Is his dad in the picture? If so how does he feel?

I wouldn’t take his phone, but it would be a condition that you put a lot of restrictions on it. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ban ds from dating the boy. I think it’s important that ds can talk to you about anything.

So he's lied to you as well as not getting home on time. I'd keep his phone for 2 weeks and he'd not be going out either to meet anyone. My kids know I just won't tolerate lying to me.

I remember liking a boy and my mum flipping out about it and forbidding me from ever seeing him. He was two years older than me.
First of all, I saw him every day at school.
Second, I snuck around behind Mum’s back and saw him all the time anyhow.
My mum would have been much better off allowing me to have him over to our house where she could have kept us under her watchful eye.
I tired of him soon enough, but my mum was never the wiser.

Your son will see this young man whether you know about it or not - it would be far better if you knew about it, don’t you think?
Have him over to yours where you can keep an eye on them both. He might actually be a nice young man. Surely watching tv together in the family room couldn’t harm anything.
Your son is young - ground rules are a necessity. Set them as you see fit.

I'd be very suspect of a 17 year old who wanted to date a 14 year old, and I'd be very concerned that your son is being groomed. A 14 year old is very vulnerable.

I am also concerned about the relationship as well as the lying and his behaviour changing. His dad is in prison so isn't a good role model and DS doesn't see him (his choice). DS has been a nightmare today because I wouldn't give his phone back and has been shouting at me etc and he has been messaging his bf on his xbox which im thinking about taking next but I'm not sure if that's too far!