AIBU to ask for a virtual hug?

[Giigii4]

Right I know this sounds completely batshit but I’ve been feeling like utter shit for the last few weeks and tonight it’s all come to a head and I’ve spent the night crying and feeling shit

I just want a hug from my mom but she’s so far away (she moved out the country). She’s off out tonight and I don’t want to bring her mood down by calling her for a cry because she would be upset if she knew I was upset and the last thing I want is to ruin her night. I know she can’t fix things anyway because I’m an adult but I guess sometimes you just need a mom hug no matter what age you are

im only in my very early 20s and I’ve just started a new job at the end of June. I have a supervisor who is in charge of training me, examining me, basically a 1-1 working relationship where she is my supervisor for everything. She is fantastic and utterly incredible at the job. She brings out the best in everyone and produces fantastic trainees. But she is very much a ‘tough love’ type of person and sometimes it’s hard. So far I’ve got everything wrong (true), im doing everything wrong (true), every question I ask is stupid (it is) and illogical. There hasn’t been a single day at work I’ve done something right and I feel like I’ve gradually started to feel more and more shit in a matter of weeks. I just feel so miserable. and useless. And like im a total lost cause.

im learning so much from her, even in such a short space of time, and she’s a really kind person who would probably be upset if she knew I felt like this, and it’s probably partially my fault for being too mushy and easily upset, especially as she said she expects me to be shit as I’m only starting. but I just feel so down and worthless because im trying my absolute best and I’m still doing shit. Im studying every night after work, I’ve lost half a stone already in stress and im trying my best to please her. I know it sounds pathetic but all I want is to do it right and not screw things up like I always seem to and I just want her to say well done or that she’s happy with me for once. I know she won’t because this is the real world not school/college/university and im not going to get a gold star for doing my job, but it sounds absolutely pathetic but all I want to do is impress her because I really look up and admire her but all I’ve done so far is the opposite

I just feel so miserable and shit, as if I’ve ran out of batteries. I know I need to toughen up and stop being a baby because I’m learning a lot from her but it’s so hard to go in everyday and have that sort of tough love treatment and to feel shitter and more useless

im trying my best and working every hour I can to study and improve, and I’m staying up so I can be organised and do as best as I can but I’m still hopeless

sorry, I know this is a rambled mess and I don’t know if this post is ok for here so sorry if not, I know nobody has a magic wand to magically fix things but I guess I just feel so lonely and miserable and useless

Just to complicate things further, tonight has been one of those nights, I burst a tyre, studied as much as I could and still can’t do anything correctly, burnt dinner, then my period started, then I spilled coffee all over my dressing gown

I think the shitty feelings have been brewing for a while but then todays events as small as they are just made it all seem so much worse all of a sudden!

Oh you poor thing. Have a big hug from me!

Do[kyiu feel worse just before your period. Y daughter feels a lot,like that when hers is due but once its started she starts to feel better. Sending a big hug too

Also sending a huge hug. I've been there and I can promise you that you are doing better then you think you are.

Try to get some sleep and love yourself darling. It's normal to feel shit when you're young. I'll give you a hug and hug yourself too
Chocolate drink mmmm full of theobromines - literally the drink of the gods
Chillies too - woo
eating chilli can release endorphin, the happy hormone that can lift your mood. But it also releases dopamine, another happiness hormone, which causes feelings of reward and pleasure.

Awwww here- have a hug from me. I could be your mum as I have a few adult kids myself- two older than you.
But wait a moment… a kind person isn’t going to make you feel shit. She should t be telling you you are getting everything wrong and that you are expected to be shit etc. Thats wrong and abusive and no working situation should be making you feel like this. If you could give us an idea of the area of work, I am certain one of the many many vipers in this nest will be an expert in this area and be able to advise more wisely than me. But as a new employee THEY are responsible for your training and development and should be providing everything you need to get it RIGHT and if you’re not, that’s on THEM. It sounds abusive right now… do you have a union?

You need to be kinder to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes in a new job - it's how you learn. Can you have a relaxing day tomorrow, take some time to treat yourself to something, even if just a lie-in or a take-away?

Virtual hug from me too OP.
I can guarantee you'll have done SOME things right this week!

She's not that great a trainer if she makes you feel like you're asking stupid questions.

Sorry you’re feeling so shit. Virtual hug from me.
nearly everyone worries when in a new role, you’re not alone. Most people don’t leave their jobs as they are too afraid of change.
it’s very easy to over analyse what you do say, write, ask, how people interpret things especially when you’re new and learning. Don’t be afraid to own the fact you don’t know everything….someone keen and willing is a lot more valuable than a bullshitter.
give yourself a bit of a break as is sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself especially studying at nights.
do you think she’s someone who would be receptive to you putting how you feel in an email? Often managment don’t realise the strain they are placing on people and she might be horrified you feel this way.
can you draft an email, but don’t send it…explain you appreciate her guidance but are concerned about objectives and expectations. Tomorrow morning, read it again….edit it and take the emotion you feel today out of it….if you still feel the same way monday then consider sending it?

In my job they say No question is a stupid question - carry on asking

Look into this @Giigii4
I came across it for work and have recommended it to colleagues. And people on Mumsnet have heard back from them immediately- it’s work coaching with a mental health focus, the link is from an adhd website, the program is free, government funded.
https://adhduk.co.uk/able-futures/#:~:text=Able%20Futures%20is%20a%20Department,on%20behalf%20of%20the%20DWP.

Phone your mum. She knows you inside & out and will be able to talk it through with you. You'll both come off the phone feeling better for it. If my daughter was having a tough week I'd want her to phone me, even if it's from halfway across the world. Phone your mum darling, it's literally what we are here for, to support our children when they need it.

Big hug here.

Really you need to learn to care for yourself better. You're doing nothing but work related stuff so you're putting all your eggs in that basket and making it the main determinant of whether you're 'worthy'. That way lies madness.

Part of being good at a job is knowing how to care for yourself. Start with making sure you get a walk of at least ten minutes each day, notice one natural thing each day like a tree or flower, do something non work related like read a chapter of a book or talk to a friend. Get out of this pit you've dug, basically.

I had a friend who took her career to epic lengths of self-punishing perfectionism and she ended up taking her own life. Really, it's not worth it. Pursue a career by all means but don't forget you're a precious and amazing creature whether it works out or not.

You can still study and work hard, but exercise, eat well, stay in touch with people, get some perspective by looking at the world around you now and then.

Yes, take the pressure off yourself a bit. Studying all hours and pushing yourself so hard will just burn you out.

Give yourself breaks, do other things as well, allow your brain some time to process it all.

Sorry you are feeling so rubbish. I work with lots of juniors/trainee's at the very start of their careers and would hate to think of them feeling so negative about themselves. I remember when I first started being told that it takes about 5 years to become really competent in your role - to expect the first few years to be a steep learning curve, but you will get there. You just can't short cut time and experience. So try and practice a little bit of self compassion and be your own cheerleader. You have already acknowledged that you have learned a lot, you are determined and curious. You are doing brilliantly! Please take time to rest and recover. Try and do nothing work related at all tomorrow and focus on self care and fun!

How are you today @Giigii4
Can you tell us about one kind thing you’ve done for yourself today?

Thank you so, so much everyone. I read all your comments and the link and I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me. I think last night was just a cumulative effect as it had been building up for a while and then one bad thing after another and it all suddenly seemed too much to deal with. I called my mom after she got home and we had a good chat and I felt a lot better so went to bed and woke up today feeling a bit better about things. Everything sometimes just feels so big and scary and it’s such a horrible lonely feeling, I’ve never felt like such a useless waste of space as I did yesterday. I’m going to go to work tomorrow and try to keep positive and not get down too much by it all.

thank you all so much again x

Glad you're feeling more positive.i have to say, a good manager will never make you feel shit, inadequate, useless or stupid. She is wrong to do this.

Remember it's only a job. I wish so so much I could go back in time and care less about my job and get less stressed at certain periods. It's really impacted my life in long lasting, serious ways. Don't be me!

You are not a waste of space. Ever! You need more praise and less criticism. You sound lovely and super dependable and capable. Now know how special you are and get some sleep 😴

Aww, this made my mom heart clench for you. Have a mom hug from me!

I hope that this is the week it all just clicks.

I agree though, she doesn’t sound great to me. Be kind to yourself. You’ve got this!

It isn't you, its them

If you were totally and utterly incapable fo doing the job they should not have employed you.

If you are not totally and utterly incapable, they should not be making you feel as if you are.

The person doing a bad job here is your supervisor, no way should she be making you feel like this, her job is to nurture and encourage, not to destroy your self confidence and make you miserable

Good advice on this thread, OP. Your supervisor should not be making you feel like shit.

Whenever I’ve trained anyone, I’ve always welcomed all questions, because no question is stupid. If a question sounds stupid, it just means that person needs more information. And the trainer is there to provide the information.

Presuming she doesn’t mean to hurt you, could you toughen up a bit? Smile and say thanks for her feedback, then just try to follow her advice without feeling inadequate.

I felt stupid and shit a lot of the time at your age, OP. Especially just before a period started. Sending you a big hug and the promise that things do get better xx

A good friend said to me once "Work should not make you ill"

Something that helps me in the evening is to say to myself "you're tired. It will feel better in the morning". And it usually does.

I’m old enough to be your mum and I’m sending you an enormous hug.

I work in a career where, for the first 8 years or so, I had to rotate jobs (hospital and specialty). I literally hated the first few months of every new post (and questioned my own worth) as I had just got to grips with my previous post systems and then moved. Cried and questioned myself every move.

it gets so much better.

I am mid 40s, getting wrinkles and the odd gray hair- but I (and all my friends) agree that being in our 20s was the most stressful work decade.

hang in there.