Mums death

[Lindabee78]

Hi just looking for other people view on this. Three weeks ago my Mum died suddenly. As you can imagine I am heart broken. We found out the day after she passed hər funeral time and date. So we told everyone. My husbands brothers, my brother in law said he couldnt go as his leg was in a cast, but a few days later he got it took off. So I thought he will go now. But my husband said hes still not going as he apparently didnt know my Mum that well. Thats rubbish my Mum was at every family gathering until she took ill and couldn't really go out much. He is also friends with my two brothers, even going to one of my brothers weddings. And I thought he would go even just to the church for me as ive been his sister in law for 28 years and count him as family. Fair enough, hes a very selfish man anyway. Then on the Thursday before the funeral my Mother in law phones my husband to say she cant go to my Mums funeral as she is going on holiday with my brother in law for a few days, he just booked it that morning and came down to tell her. The day he booked to go on his last minute holiday was the day of my Mums funeral. And they all knew the date from two weeks before. My Mums funeral was at 10am but they were leaving at 11am so she couldnt make it as she would be so busy getting ready. I am so angry, I buried my Mum on Tuesday and not one of my husbands family went. ( my husband did). Ive counted my mother in law as family and make sure we visit her and dont leave her out of days away. İf it wasnt from me saying to my husband and grown children to go see her they wouldnt. I know it seems petty, but im so hurt that they think so little of me that none of them could be bothered to spare half an hour of their time to support me and my family on one of the hardest days of my life. İm so hurt and dissapointed in my mother in law, I was there for her when both hər husbands died, when her Mum died, then her Dad and she just leta me down and shows no respect at all to my Mum. What do other people think? Am I right to be angry? Should I confront her for it? İm so angry about it, it truly is eating me up.

I agree with you. Your husband’s family has proven they don’t think of you as family so stop going the extra mile for them. If they want to see your kids your DH needs to facilitate it

I think as sad as it is you have to let it go
You can't change what they have done and there's no justification.
Confronting them will only give them an excuse for them to channel their guilt into something else aimed at you
Try and focus on your memories.

I agree wholeheartedly.

you don’t always go to a funeral just for the dead - many times you’re there to show your support to the family.

Your husband’s are the worst of the worst and I tell them that then I’d cut them off. Treat them with the same disregard with which they’ve treated you.

im so sorry for your loss as well OP

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum, you're understandably still reeling from it and angry. I absolutely understand as I lost my mum in similar circumstances (suddenly, unexpectedly) and none of my in-laws came to the funeral. My MIL sent a card & flowers but my FIL & his new wife (of 20+years) didn't even bother doing that. Or messaging me. I think it's awful & I've never looked at any of them the same again. I've been in their lives since I was a young teen, almost 20 years now & they couldn't spare an hour on a Tuesday afternoon. I hope you've had a lot of support from your friends and family. My condolences again, wishing you strength in the days ahead.

So sorry you have lost your Mum. This free's you up to stop engaging with your DH family. You don't need to do anything for them, see them or think about them. They have given you the reason so it's not spite, it's simply a change of how you interact. After my own DM died I went NC with half the family, it was a long time ago but it freed me completely and I've never looked back.

Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t confront her, however, I would stop the arranging things for her, telling grown up kids to see her etc..if she asks why she is not included just be honest and then tell her well she’d made it clear you aren’t family.

She has let you down and shown you her true colours. I'm really sorry for your loss.

Concentrate your energy on yourself now and concentrate on healing. They don't deserve your energy. From now on don't put yourself out for them but I wouldn't confront them either. Just pull back to protect your mental health xx

Your in laws are selfish dickheads. They should 100% be there to support you.

I wouldn't confront them but I would never encourage my dc or dh to visit again, nor would I show up for them or involve them in plans again. I would NEVER let that go, I would be seething every time I was in their company so I would be in their company as little as possible. I feel so sorry for you.

Also I'm very sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum x

Sympathy on the death of your mum. Your inlaws have been totally unsupportive. But when my dm died l got so upset as one group of people never came. So many others did but not them. I was so angry and felt like cutting them all off. Gradually l realised that anger is a part of grief and l was finding an outlet for my anger in really hating them. Granted l never saw them in the same light again but can see a lot of my pain was my own anger. I did get a bit consumed by it. Try to focus on those who were supportive as often it's those we might not totally expect. Look to those in the future and pull back from your inlaws. Maybe in a while your dh could have a word with them but it will be too late then. They will have missed their chance.
Take care of yourself.

Second time commenting on this but I’m angry on your behalf.

I know people are saying don’t confront her/them but if it were me (knowing my personality) this would fester in me and would rot away. I’d get it all off my chest and that would be the end of the relationship And I hopefully be able to move forward well rid of
them

My goodness, that is so hurtful. When my son died, a cousin whom I thought I was close to did not even send me a condolence card. I have disliked him ever since. You MiL and BiL have been insensitive and are sending a clear message: cannot be bothered or, more charitably, fear of funerals. Either way, I would feel hurt, hurt, hurt. You are deep in grief at the moment and I am so sorry. I loved my mum so deeply that even now, eleven years later, I am occasionally blind- sided by the pain of losing her. It does get easier and, I suspect, your feelings of hurt will toughen you up: you will become emotionally detached from your husband’s family and they deserve it.