To feel torn about how to approach this with friend, I think her DP is abusive

[Reddestflags]

My best friend has been single for a while after leaving a loveless marriage.

Around eight months ago she met a man on a night out and started dating him. Roughly three months ago she found out he was living with his long-term partner and she'd unknowingly been the other woman, nights when he stayed over at hers his partner thought he was away with work. He told her that the relationship has been over for years, that they're only living together for the sake of the children and that she's the one he wants to be with. To prove his commitment he proposed to her and moved in with her that same week. The wedding was quickly booked and is next month. Friend has paid for the whole thing, he has paid nothing.

I'm weary of him because of how fast he's moved, the cynical me says he proposed and moved in because his partner kicked him out and he needed somewhere to go, however he is very outwardly charming and my friend is smitten with him.

He wants to open a joint bank account for them both to pay their salaries into and she was in two minds about it. During a conversation about it she said that he's not paying anything towards her mortgage or bills despite living there. When she raised this with him he got really defensive about it and said he can't afford to because he's sending "all" of his money to his ex-partner as maintenance for their children.

Her four year old accidentally called him daddy a few weeks ago so now he's really pushing this and encouraging both of her DC to call him dad. He keeps reminding my friend to "back me up" on it and gets huffy if she refers to him by name to the DC rather than as dad. Another thing that is weirding me out is that he will often tell "funny" stories (funny to him) about the DC walking in on them or almost walking in on them.

He goes everywhere with her and I mean everywhere, whether he is invited or not. A few of us meet up at least once a week and he comes along. If we go on a night out, he's there. Trip to the cinema, he's there. Take the DC to the park, he comes along. She pops in for a cuppa and he's there too. I have no issue with spending time with my friends as couples but it is all of the damn time. When he comes along he either sits off to one side and doesn't engage much or else sits there hanging onto her hand, whispering in her ear and trying to neck on with her. The few times she has come out without him he has messaged her constantly and she's ended up leaving early.

He regularly gives her the silent treatment over complete non-issues such as her buying a pair of shoes she saw and liked or deciding to make chicken for dinner when she'd previously said it was going to be pasta or trying to talk to him while he was watching TV, colouring her hair after "I thought we agreed" she wouldn't, absolute nothing issues but he makes them into a huge deal. He then "apologises" with over the top romantic gestures but no actual apology.

There are so many red flags and I think she sometimes sees them too because she'll say things to me like she's sick of not knowing which version of him she's going to get on any given day or that her head is spinning from how quickly he changes or that she's skint from funding everything but then the next he's done something incredibly thoughtful and romantic and spun her a semi-plausible excuse for his behaviour so she's head over heels again and saying how lucky she is to have him.

When he does the things that upset her I point out to her that she doesn't have to accept it and that she is worth more than this, that she doesn't need him, and I highlight what he's done and why it's shitty but I haven't actually come out and said bluntly that I think he's abusing her, at the least emotionally if not also financially. I'm worried it'll escalate especially once they're married but I feel like I need to tread carefully as he is the type who would use me saying this to prove that everyone is against them and will try to cut her friends out to isolate her even further as then he's got her to himself.

How do I help her to see that he's a cunt and how do I raise these worries with her? I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid at the wedding when all I really want to do is stuff her into my car and drive her as far away from that altar as possible.

Oh my goodness, what an awful situation. It must be so horrible to see this playing out.
Personally, I would ask to speak to her alone, and somewhere quiet and comfortable, not out at a cafe or anything. I'd probably do it in a way where she knows you're going to talk about something important, it might help lessen any shock she might feel or stop her feeling too blindsided. Chances are she might have an idea about what it's about.
I'd explain how worried you've been about discussing this with her and that you desperately hope it doesn't impact your friendship, but that you wouldn't be being a true friend if you didn't raise it. Then I would just gently start by saying you feel some significant concerns about her DPs behaviour, that you want to.ensure shes ok, and see where the conversation takes you. Make sure she knows you'll support her no matter what, and perhaps make a list of points to cover in case you feel flustered.
Good luck, sending you positive vibes 🤞🤞🤞

Nornally I'd see be there for her when she falls but I think you really need to speak up. At the wedding they usually say something about supporting the couple and you cant sit there is good faith listening ing to that crap wondering if you made the right choice.

Speaking up now validates that she isnt crazy for having doubts. She will probably go ahead anyway but for a while there will be enough other people around to let her convince herself that he is a good bloke and she just needs to try harder. Your voice will be a reminder of the truth.

Sometimes you have to love people enough to do the hard thing and let them go, knowing you've done the right thing by them X

Really difficult because she probably does have an inkling but is hoping it will 'go away'. It won't. It will get worse. You know that and I know that.

As @Seaswimmingforthesoul suggested, somewhere quiet and give yourselves plenty of time. Insist that it just the two of you and if her DP kicks off about that, well...you have the perfect conversation starter (perhaps she can tell him you need to talk to her about women's stuff or something equally spurious).

Agree that there are multiple red flags here and that she is sleepwalking into a wedding that will tie her to a controlling piece of shit. Be prepared for her to be upset/angry/refuse to listen at which point all you can do is remind her that you have no agenda or reason to cause her to be unhappy and that you will be there for her if and when she needs a friend.

I suspect she will go ahead with the wedding but I really hope you can persuade her to reconsider.

Tell her.

When I married my ex husband he was already a parade of red flags, he’d stolen money from me, called me horrible names, told me his ex wife was better in so many ways, it was ridiculous with hindsight. But sunk costs and feeling I could change him meant I went ahead with it.

When I fled a few years later with two toddlers and the clothes on my back my parents and friends all said they’d know he was awful but didn’t want to say anything.

My hindsight may be rose tinted but I do genuinely think if they had all said something and offered me a way out before the wedding I’d have taken it. Not wanting to let people down is a big part of why I went through with it. Things got much worse after we married.

Please just tell her it’s ok to leave him.

This sounds awful. Are you on your own with this or are there other friends/family who have seen the same/are concerned? I'd be considering staging an intervention and try to get others roped in. Before he bleeds her dry, emotionally and financially.