Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To feel envious of my partners new job?

22 replies

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:09

Recently my partner has been offered a fantastic new job he really wanted.

I am really happy for him and it’s well deserved. However, it’s also made me feel quite sad and envious as the month before I didn’t get a dream job I really wanted. (Although I suppose I at least did get put on a reserve list but not heard anything).

I just feel worried that my career will now stagnate and it’ll be harder for me to progress now I have children. I had my first child almost 3 years ago, took a year out for mat leave, returned part time and then had my 2nd child this year and am currently on my 2nd mat leave and then will return part time. The interview for the dream job I had was actually just a few weeks after giving birth so it was definitely bad timing.

I suppose I feel a bit jealous that my partner hasn’t had his career stall because of the family we’ve both had. And yet logically I know that’s not his fault and that by succeeding in his career he’s very much supporting us in other ways. He’s also a great hands on dad and partner who does his share around the home. I know I’m also very lucky to have paid mat leave and a job that allows me to go part time. And I also know it’s really daft to be thinking about careers whilst on mat leave and I should be focusing on my children and just enjoying this time. But there’s definitely still a part of me who really wishes it was me with the exciting new important job.

I suppose I’m just wondering for those that have made career sacrifices to start a family do you ever feel slightly envious of watching your partner’s career flourish? I’m beating myself up a bit for not just feeling happy for him

OP posts:

littleboymama · 12/08/2023 21:21

I do not think that you’re being unreasonable and please do not beat yourself up for feeling like this or force yourself to feel differently. Becoming a mum has been the best thing I’ve done but also the hardest and it is incredibly hard for most woman to carry on or advance in their career after having children. Our partners usually get to carry on with their life, work etc without being affected too much xx

Daffidale · 12/08/2023 21:30

I’m sorry you missed out on your dream job. But your career hasn’t stalled. you’re on the reserve list! They wouldn’t have done that if they didn’t think you were qualified. There was just someone who pipped you to it this time. There’s a good chance next time something similar comes round you’ll get it.

Chin up, be happy for your partner, and good luck with the baby and your future job hunt.

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:32

@littleboymama Thank you I guess it’s just hard as we’ve always been pretty equal in terms of career success and salary pre-children and I am quite a driven person. And it was also tough coming back after mat leave and seeing that people who I had started with or started after me had advanced past me. And also seeing more of the eye grabbing work go elsewhere perhaps because I was part time and then subsequently because they knew I was going on mat leave again. (Even though I can understand that from a business perspective).

Maybe I’m just learning now what the saying ‘women can’t have it all’ really means. Although I know there are super mums who seem to be able to achieve it all somehow.

Anyway thank you for not making me feel like I’m alone in feeling like this x x

OP posts:

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:33

@Daffidale thank you, that’s a good way to luck at it x x

OP posts:

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:34

@Daffidale *look not luck!

OP posts:

Newname211 · 12/08/2023 21:35

Can your partner put in a flexible working request and drop a day, and you pick an extra one up after your mat leave ends?

Curiosity101 · 12/08/2023 21:41

Couple of questions - why does your career have to suffer from having kids? You can give up your maternity leave and share it with your husband if you are worried about the impact being out on maternity leave will have?

Also why do you have to go part time?

Both of these big impacting decisions are options - or at the very least can be shared between both parents. Ie. Splitting parental leave between you and both dropping to 4 days a week rather than one of you going part time...?

ThePoetsWife · 12/08/2023 21:48

Another one saying you should not make all the sacrifices.

Increase your hours and make sure he does half the workload at home including mental load so that you have the ability to focus on your career.

Janieforever · 12/08/2023 21:48

Can I ask why you’re part time? Is it you can’t afford for you to work full time?

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:50

@Curiosity101 I suppose it doesn’t, maybe it’s an excuse. There’s part of me that thinks if the roles were reserved and he took part time etc then I wouldn’t advance as far as he would anyway.

The idea of each doing four days a week is a good one which we could look into. As for splitting mat leave it wouldn’t have worked in our particular circumstances because he’s starting a new role and so would only be there a few months before needing to be off.

OP posts:

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:54

@Janieforever I could go full time. But I’m part-time primarily because I do want to have more time being with my children. I suppose that’s a choice I’m making

OP posts:

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:58

@Janieforever to explain more, I feel guilty that I wouldn’t be with them enough if I was full time when they’re still really little. Which is ridiculous really as I’d never judge another mum for working full time. And also I suppose it’s like wanting to have my cake and eat it - saying I want to be off with my children but also have the same career advancement opportunities

OP posts:

Newname211 · 12/08/2023 22:06

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:50

We have done something similar and we love it, although now we are phasing back to full time (I’m going full time first followed by my partner when we get funded hours) - we both feel we have a good work life balance, we can both progress with our careers, and we have cut childcare costs. Employers need to consider any flexible working request and explain why it can’t be granted if they can’t do it.

Janieforever · 12/08/2023 22:14

User41 · 12/08/2023 21:58

Op, irrelevant of gender, seldom does anyone have the same advancement opportunities if they are a part timer. Male or female.

if your husband was a part timer he’d not have got his promotion.

chopc · 12/08/2023 22:25

@User41 how much maternity leave are you taking? If you are really concerned about derailing your career by taking the time away from work then you can discuss your partner taking some leave whilst you go back to work. Paternity policies have changed in a lot of companies and men can also take 6 months paternity leave. There was a thread about a man who worked for NatWest who got a girl pregnant from a one night stand , didn't play any role in the child's life and still took his 6 months leave with a phased return back to work as well .....

Of course some women have difficulty establishing feeding or have traumatic births they need to recover from. However for the vast majority , it is a CHOICE to take maternity leave beyond 6 weeks . And a choice made between the two partners.

Curiosity101 · 12/08/2023 22:26

Based on your update I can see where you're coming from. But I'm afraid it does feel like you want to have your cake and eat it.

Balancing children and a career is tough. You constantly feel like you're letting someone down (work, partner, children, yourself...). I think lots of parents feel that (regardless of gender). If you choose to spend less time at work and more time at home then you will slow your advancement. You just have to pick the option you're most comfortable with. Just be aware that you are choosing to take the time, you're not being forced to do it.

It doesn't mean you won't have days where you feel like this 😅. But so long as you've done it conciously, try to focus on the fact you're getting to choose to spend more time with the kids.

continentallentil · 12/08/2023 22:35

Don’t beat yourself up or tell yourself you’re being silly or you should be grateful. Men don’t belittle and minimise themselves down like this.

You both went for fancy jobs, he got his and you didn’t, it would be a bit odd if you didn’t feel a bit green.

Keep that jealously energy alive in a positive way to remind you of what you want when the time is right. Have a think about when that might be - in 3 years? And work out what you can do to keep your career alive in this quieter period so you and everyone else (very crucially including your partner*) realise it isn’t for ever.

I would not give up your career or go onto a permanent go slow, no, but for now you are making a positive choice to be more at home.

*Else he might start thinking the childcare/housework/lifeadmin are your life’s work for evermore, as opposed to something you’re taking the lead on for now.

Original poster

User41 · 12/08/2023 22:37

@continentallentil thank you, this is the exact thing I needed to hear (but didn’t know it til I read it) x x

OP posts:

continentallentil · 12/08/2023 22:41

Ha you welcome. Always SO much easier to see for someone else.

Hufflepods · 12/08/2023 22:42

You don’t have to go part time though, it’s not a given that women must drop their hours the second they become mothers.

The reality is you will not succeed in your career through working part time in anywhere near the same way as a full time equivalent. You make that choice when you decide to work part time.

LadySpratt · 13/08/2023 06:29

Taking a longer view of this, what’s to say you’re not going to surpass your husband in the future?

Totally agree with @continentallentil about having a plan for now and setting the expectation that you will be returning to work with a bang after a set period of time.
Best of luck!

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/08/2023 06:50

Can imagine feeling envious, but got to look at the positives of the choices you've made.

I'm the same with friends - lots of them are earning more, got higher up jobs etc, where as I had to take a demotion when going back after mat leave as I wanted to do part time. I love having the balance and extra time with my child. Part-time also means career is still going (just not a amazingly as it could be) so have the option in future to progress more.

Having a partner with a good job which allows you to work part time if you wish is great, I know quite a few people who'd like to do this but can't due to partners not working/ earning enough

Flip