To ask if you feel lonely in your relationship?

[Foofish]

I don't know whether I just have low standards and self esteem or not, I feel embarrassed to talk about it in real life, but is it normal to feel lonely in a relationship? Rationally I don't suspect it is, but part of me thinks maybe it is after 10 years together and this is as good as it gets.

For context we have been together for 10 years and married for 7. Things used to be great but now he works away and is only back weekends, I do everything for DC and for the household during the week and work full time. When he's back at weekends he does the bare minimum with DC, but evenings with me we don't spend time together. He does his own thing and I'm just left on my own- which I am used to being alone all week; but it hurts at weekends as I think we haven't seen eachother all week and you're not arsed. I do understand the need for downtime and alone time, but he gets that during the week (he works office hours more or less and has no responsibilities so can do as he pleases). I think if it was seeing friends even I'd think well he doesn't see them, but to be doing anything except spending time with me sucks. I have spoken about how I feel but keep getting told its normal, or he gets annoyed and just changes the subject.

Writing it down I can see if someone was telling me this I'd invariably think they deserved better, I've struggled since having DC though so again not sure if that's rose tinted view in what others have or not.

Is it unreasonable to feel lonely? Is it unreasonable to think this set up isn't decent?

I’m sorry you feel this way, it must be hard because the way you’ve written it, during the week you’re essentially a single parent.

I understand he works away and it leaves everything to you but it’s mentally and physically draining. You’re pretty much the go to person for everything and it’s not fair. Yes he needs downtime but so do you and you’re not getting a chance to have it. Just because you’re not working away doesn’t meant youre not working. You don’t get a chance to just relax.

Relationships can become stale, I think most marriages go through the roommate stage but it’s up to both of you to work on that. He shouldn’t be moaning at you for explaining your feelings.

Do you have any friends that you could meet up with even just once a month? What about starting a new hobby, something for you? That way at the weekend when he’s home you go and do something for you.
Then I’d suggest once a month have a family day/ night. Something you all do together, you can take turns arranging it between you so it doesn’t always fall on you. Something simple as even just a walk on the beach but without phones etc. Then you two need a date night. If someone can watch the kids then great but if not then when they are in bed you two order a take away and watch a film together on the couch, again no phones getting in the way.

You need to tell him one final time how you’re feeling and how low it’s getting you. Listen tk him too when he explains his feelings and try work through it all together. If he brushes you off then you need to put him in his place and suggest he watches children for a full weekend on his own whilst you figure out what you want for a change.

I’m sorry, but no, this isn’t right op. You are quite justified in feeling disillusioned with your relationship. And no wonder you feel lonely. This is not your fault.

I hate to say it but your dh has opted out. Out of parenting and out of investing in his marriage. It’s cheeky, lazy and downright disrespectful.

Does he have an avoidant personality generally? Do you think he may be involved with someone else during the week? How engaged was his father in family life?

Our dc have left home now but my dh used to travel all of the time and still does (and he has a ‘big’ job too) but as soon as he got home he got stuck in to family life and activities with the dc and with me. And he made it clear that my efforts during the week were appreciated.

I still did feel lonely sometimes as the weeks are long when you are parenting alone. And in some ways, if you are parenting alone, but married with your other half elsewhere, if you are not careful, it’s the worst of both worlds bc you get all of the drudge work without any of the freedom and autonomy and other benefits of being single. In other words, your core relationship has to be good enough to be worth it.

Op, the one thing that’s good about being older is you learn three things:

One- you can’t ever persuade anyone to change; they have to want to do it for themselves. There is absolutely no point in chasing an avoidant personality like this. The more you complain and humiliate yourself and beg for scraps of attention, even though you are totally justified in doing so, the further away they go.

So save yourself, and your dignity, draw on your own strength and pull away from him. Go out and grab your own life, your own friends and your own activities and then if your relationship ultimately fails, you will have a different life and a different support network to fall back on. If your dh chooses not to engage with family life; that is a choice he is making. And he is making a statement via that choice.

Two - you don’t need permission from him to reset the tone of your relationship. Why sit and wait and allow him to dictate terms? You are the captain of your own ship op.

I know you are probably exhausted parenting alone and it’s hard to find the energy - especially when you are feeling hurt - but you are allowed to be dissatisfied and to feel that you deserve more and instigate a separation. You could ring a solicitor on Monday to make an appointment and take matters in to your own hands. Or you could instigate couples therapy if you feel there is something in your relationship worth salvaging. Whether he turns up or not and engages with that would be a huge indicator of his commitment to you and your dc.

Three - your dc, especially once a little older, will be watching and learning from you about how you allow people to treat you. Your dh’s behaviour is completely unacceptable. He has every evening during the week to chill out if he wants.

How much longer are you going to allow him to treat you so disrespectfully and provide such a poor role model for his dc?

Good luck op. You know what you have to do. Sending you strength.