How can I relax and give up control?

[nachdemregen]

I'm quite a stressy person and I've realised how bad it is for my mental health.

I've been thinking about it and realised that the situations I find stressful are when I feel I'm not in control. For context, I'm quite organised, like to have my life together etc.

For example, if I turn up at the station and my train is cancelled, I find that really stresses me out. It's partly because I can't stand being late, and partly because I've lost control. There's nothing I can do and then I feel frustrated that I'm wasting time waiting for the next train.

Another example: if I'm going to meet someone and they haven't confirmed a time, I'll get ever more anxious as the time approaches. I'll wonder if they're going to cancel, whether I'll have enough time to get there, and so on.

I need to learn to relax, accept that some things are beyond my control, and things go wrong for us all sometimes.

I've tried thinking through the 'worst case scenario' - eg my train is cancelled so I'll have to reschedule my appointment, or my friend has to cancel at the last minute so I'll have to find something else to do. Somehow it doesn't really help though.

If you're good at this, how do you do it?

I’ve done an online CBT course which has helped me. It really taught me to acknowledge what I can’t control

Yeah I was going to say CBT - it really helped me

I agree with the first poster, I was always anxious about being late, worrying about the after effects and just things like that stressing me out and taking over my life. Cbt massively helped. It helped me to come to terms with the aspect that was making me anxious and learns ways to handle my stress. It’s not a complete life saver and there are days that I’m still anxious but it’s helped to realise that what will be will be and that if I’m late and can explain it then it’s not a problem.

I imagine at heart of your stress is a unhelpful expectation.
if you expect everything to 'go wrong' then you will be delighted & relieved when it goes right.

@Peony654 would you mind sharing the details of the online course?

OP I completely get you! This is me all over. It is so good that you are looking at ways to manage this - you’ve inspired me!

When I chat to friends they sometimes say that I've got too high expectations of myself. So I think you're right. But I don't know how to change that!

I'm interested to do a CBT course too. I've had some in the past and it definitely helped.

that's what the CBT is for. Are your expectations based on faulty beliefs that you wish to hold no longer, as soon as you hold them up to the light you realise that's not what you want to believe.

Are you a perfectionist or have perfectionist tendencies? That can make you feel like a failure if something goes "wrong" even when it's not your fault.

Also, I think one of the first steps is to understand that none of us are in control. You have no idea what is going to happen to you today/tomorrow. In some ways that's scary but it also means that our task is just to deal with the things that are thrown at us, not be some omniscient omnipotent controller of our destiny.

Yes, I think I blame myself even when things are out of my control. I am something of a perfectionist in some ways. Although weirdly I'm not with other people - I'm only hard on myself.

I have clicked on this because I kind of get what you're talking about
For me I don't like being flakey, even though I sometimes am... so i am interested in cbt from this...