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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DW to share the load

29 replies

BarchesterTowels · 11/08/2023 23:08

My wife is profoundly deaf. She is also an unusually deep sleeper (it takes vigorous shaking to rouse her). This combination means that she is never, and I mean never, woken by a crying baby. Since our youngest DC stopped breast feeding and moved to her own room, I have done every night feed, every overnight nappy change, dealt with every unexpected waking and every early morning. Part of me thinks that my DW has done plenty already and this is only what I ought to be doing. But frankly I'm knackered. And I also know that if I kicked DW out of bed at 5.45 (when DD wakes up every morning) even once a week she'd need a nap later in the day to make up for the early start (she needs more sleep than me).

Really don't know what to do! WIBU to ask my wife to share the nighttime workload if waking up is more of a struggle for her than for me?

OP posts:

Hufflepods · 11/08/2023 23:13

So your wife did all the wakings before your DC moved into their own room?

How long has it been since you’ve been doing the night wakes?

Justtryingtobehelpful · 11/08/2023 23:15

No. She's done plenty. BF is exhausting. Speak to her about giving you more slack in the day in order to make up for it.

Original poster

BarchesterTowels · 11/08/2023 23:17

Hufflepods · 11/08/2023 23:13

So your wife did all the wakings before your DC moved into their own room?

How long has it been since you’ve been doing the night wakes?

We coslept so we were both woken for every feed. And I do appreciate I wasn't the one doing the breastfeeding, so it wasn't as bad for me. DD is now 17 months and has been in her own room for a year, since when I've been doing all night wakes.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 11/08/2023 23:18

Personally I think that nights should be shared so yes, I would wake her.

Dotcheck · 11/08/2023 23:18

Of course she can do more- no one should continuously be deprived of sleep. Why doesn’t she want to get up now and again?

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 11/08/2023 23:19

Do you both work the same hours? If so then she needs to do the early morning feed if you do the night. Do you get any chance for some catch up sleep at the weekend?

RandomMess · 11/08/2023 23:19

What does your little one want during the night?

If it's just comfort and reassurance let DC co-sleep with wife and you sleep in the other room?

midtownmum · 11/08/2023 23:21

I think it depends on what the deal was when she was breastfeeding (did you field any of it? Did you get up and give her a lie in a couple of times a week? If so, you should get what she got in terms of help) and how long it's been - if she fed for a year, and you've now been doing all nights for two years, then yeah, she should be helping again. If she fed for a year and you slept through every night in that period, and you've been doing the s for 3 months, then poss it would be fair to give it a bit longer.
You should talk to her, though. It does nobody any good if one of you is on your knees.

3WildOnes · 11/08/2023 23:21

Are you both working? If so one of you could do the nights and the other the early mornings, maybe take it in turns.

Toarrie · 11/08/2023 23:22

My DH is a very deep sleeper (and also borderline selfish when it comes to sleep) I’ve realised I need to be explicit with him. I will just tell him it’s his turn and make sure I wake him and clearly say it’s your turn. It took me a while to get to the stage where I realised that was the only way I could get him to get up during the night or in early morning.

midtownmum · 11/08/2023 23:23

OK I've seen the follow up. You need to be taking turns to get up at 5.45 at the very least so you can get a bit more sleep. And she should go to bed earlier rather than nap, 5.45 isn't that early! It shouldn't all be on one person. Does she know how exhausted you are?

Original poster

BarchesterTowels · 11/08/2023 23:25

Dotcheck · 11/08/2023 23:18

Of course she can do more- no one should continuously be deprived of sleep. Why doesn’t she want to get up now and again?

I should have made this clearer: she's not unwilling at all, it's just that it's so darn difficult to wake her up that by the time I succeed in doing so I might as well have changed the nappy (or whatever) myself

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2023 23:25

I agree you ought to be able to get some breaks here, as it doesn’t seem fair.

Im not quite sure how you do it in practice - are you someone who once you’re awake finds it hard to go back to sleep?

I agree with pp that breastfeeding is exhausting, so she has done a big shift, but equally you shouldn’t be left with no breaks or unbroken sleep now.

Hufflepods · 11/08/2023 23:26

Why are you waking a one and a half year old to change a nappy in the night anyway?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:26

How many night wakes does a 17mo do? Surely she is night weaned? Are you feeding her overnight?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:27

Also, and this might make me seem like a dick, it's unintended.

Your wife will never hear your sweet daughters beautiful voice. Ever.

Mummy08m · 11/08/2023 23:29

I think there are baby monitors with a vibrate function for parents with hearing impairment - would that be any good? She could wear it every other night so you take it in turns maybe?

I think yanbu when I saw your update that she stopped breastfeeding at around 6m. That means you've been doing night waking for a lot longer than your dw.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:31

Mummy08m · 11/08/2023 23:29

I think there are baby monitors with a vibrate function for parents with hearing impairment - would that be any good? She could wear it every other night so you take it in turns maybe?

I think yanbu when I saw your update that she stopped breastfeeding at around 6m. That means you've been doing night waking for a lot longer than your dw.

Night wakes for a breastfed under 6mo are vastly different to a night wake for a 17mo.

QuaversAndRedbull · 11/08/2023 23:34

Mummy08m · 11/08/2023 23:29

I think there are baby monitors with a vibrate function for parents with hearing impairment - would that be any good? She could wear it every other night so you take it in turns maybe?

I think yanbu when I saw your update that she stopped breastfeeding at around 6m. That means you've been doing night waking for a lot longer than your dw.

If it takes vigorous shaking to wake her it the device vibration might not be enough to wake her

Mummy08m · 11/08/2023 23:34

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:31

Night wakes for a breastfed under 6mo are vastly different to a night wake for a 17mo.

Show quote history

I know this, my dd is 3...! And still doesn't sleep through the night.

But a year of disrupted sleep is still more than 6m of disrupted sleep. Especially as this might go on for years.

Anyway I bf (including night feeds) till my dd was over 2 and my dh still helped a lot. There's no need for one parent to do it all, whichever parent that is. It's not fair for one parent to do it all.

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 23:35

A 17 month old shouldn't be waking for a feed at night so try feeding her something substantial before bedtime so that she doesn't wake hungry. (Having said that, my bf youngest woke several times a night to be fed until self-weaning at 22 months, so I do get that it's not easy!)

She shouldn't need a nappy changed overnight either. That's only very small babies?

I think you need to work on the sleeping through the night thing for everyone's sake.

Mummy08m · 11/08/2023 23:36

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:27

Also, and this might make me seem like a dick, it's unintended.

Your wife will never hear your sweet daughters beautiful voice. Ever.

While we are nitpicking, I don't see the point of this post at all. The op is not unsympathetic of his wife's disability, but you seem to be implying he is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:38

No, I just think a short period of broken sleep is nothing in comparison to the wife's experience here.

VinEtFromage · 11/08/2023 23:46

@BarchesterTowels

it's just that it's so darn difficult to wake her up that by the time I succeed in doing so I might as well have changed the nappy (or whatever) myself

that would be my thoughts too. I'd rather deal with the toddler than waking someone up.

Have you looked into what's available for people with hearing impairments, in the way of baby monitors with vibrations etc?

Does she have any kind of alarm that wakes her (again vibration) that she could set for 5:30 then use a video monitor to see when your toddler wakes up.
but honestly, she should be looking for ways to do her fair share of nights/wakings. Or even less than her 'share' but something, not just leaving it to you.

families where both parents are deaf sort it out, I'm sure there are solutions.

VinEtFromage · 11/08/2023 23:50

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 23:27

Also, and this might make me seem like a dick, it's unintended.

Your wife will never hear your sweet daughters beautiful voice. Ever.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

yes, that IS very sad, but it's not a free pass on parenting your children.

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