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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner makes jokes about deceased

19 replies

Baconsandwich33 · 11/08/2023 22:50

I've been a bit shaken by the very sudden and unexpected death of someone I had recently met. There have been a lot of tributes and support for the family which is lovely. I told my partner and he made some sort of joke he thought was funny, the joke was actually quite vile.
I was absolutely furious and really upset. He apologised and said he didn't mean it.
This isn't the first time he's done this. I knew a young boy once whose mother committed suicide on Christmas day. He managed to make a joke out of this too.
I know some people use humour to diffuse uncomfortable situations when they don't know what to say, however I find this incredibly distasteful and honestly appalling.
I told him how dare he make comments like that and how would he like to suddenly drop dead or for it to happen to someone close to him.
I just don't know what to think right now. He did apologise but I just think it's sick.

OP posts:
Nursenance · 11/08/2023 23:00

This is horrible and I would be deeply upset. Its something about core values isn't it? He's clearly never lost anyone he loves?? Bloody lucky if he's managed that.
What was the joke? In case maybe it's not as bad as feel it is??

Original poster
Baconsandwich33 · 11/08/2023 23:04

He has lost an elderly relative a few years back, but I guess nobody else that I know of.
I don't want to say in case it's outing, maybe I have overreacted due to heightened emotions, I just think it's a disgusting thing to talk about.

OP posts:
eandz13 · 11/08/2023 23:07

If he knows that it's not to your taste then he's an arsehole.

I have a very dark humour that has seen me through some horrendous times in my life, I've been known to tell a fucked up joke or two per day. The thing is, I'd never do it to/in front of somebody I know didn't match my humour as I wouldn't want to cause them any upset.

Original poster
Baconsandwich33 · 11/08/2023 23:09

The joke wasn't any sort of euphemism or lighthearted comment, it was quite graphic in nature and that was largely the reason for my disgust.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baconsandwich33 · 11/08/2023 23:11

I guess it looks like I'm being unreasonable according to the minority. Fair enough but it's really not to my taste to mock someone who's just died.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baconsandwich33 · 11/08/2023 23:11

Majority*

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 12/08/2023 04:29

It doesn't matter why the majority vote on AIBU. It matters that you found his (repeated) disrespect about people who have died unacceptable. Don't second guess your instinctive revulsion at his behaviour.

Ladybug14 · 12/08/2023 06:32

If you find a core value of your partners disgusting, then I'd suggest there might be no way back

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 06:50

It depends what he said IMO.
He apologised when he realised you were offended. Is his humour fairly dodgy normally?

Valeriekat · 12/08/2023 06:50

I am seeing a lot of early responses on Mumsnet recently being very negative towards the OP. As you can see now, most people do not think that you are being unreasonable.

RantyAnty · 12/08/2023 07:03

Yes, it's weird and gross.
Knew someone like this and they turned out to be a covert narcissist.

He's done this twice now. Why are you still with him?

marblesthecat · 12/08/2023 07:22

My DH is like this. We often joke that if I posted some of the stuff he says on here there'd be a hundred "LTBs". I have a pretty vile sense of humour but sometimes even his jokes are a bit much for me. It doesn't affect our relationshio or how I see him as a person though. Maybe you are not all that compatible OP.

marblesthecat · 12/08/2023 07:23

My DH is like this. We often joke that if I posted some of the stuff he says on here there'd be a hundred "LTBs". I have a pretty vile sense of humour but sometimes even his jokes are a bit much for me. It doesn't affect our relationshio or how I see him as a person though. Maybe you are not all that compatible OP.

marblesthecat · 12/08/2023 07:24

Oops stupid phone double posted.

Bigflop · 12/08/2023 09:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 09:22

Depends on what he said. He could be a dick or you could be highly sensitive.

Or since you didn’t really know the person and had only recently met them, he may have just misjudged how much this has upset you.

DonnaBanana · 12/08/2023 09:28

I’m going to guess it was a joke about dying in the middle of a sexual act of some kind. But in any case the problem is that you were upset and he made a joke that was inappropriate. I have a very dark sense of humour but there’s a time and an audience for it, and your grieving partner is not it. So I can’t criticise the humour but his sensitivity is terrible.

keffie12 · 12/08/2023 09:35

I'm reading some of these replies, and I'm seriously like WTF, were mumsnetters on the booze last night.

I can't see how anyone thinks it ok to continue to make sick jokes about someone who has died. It isn't even a one-off.

Another response was blaming the poster for saying it. Think I've entered the twilight zone this morning.

Don't forget OP that the polls aren't done by stat companies, so it really does depend on who comes on and answers. Don't take them as Gospel

Original poster
Baconsandwich33 · 12/08/2023 09:41

Nothing to do with sexual stuff, no, anyway I've decided to move on from it as he now knows how I feel and that's the end of it.

OP posts:
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