Held hostage by my kids at bed time and during the night

[sleepymumrescue]

I'm beyond exhausted and don't know what to do.

I have a 3 and a half year old and a 15 month old.

3 and a half year old has needed me to stay in bed with her until she falls asleep since my 15 month old was born. Otherwise she'd just cry uncontrollably.

Until recently the 15 month old was happy to drink his bottle and go to sleep on his own after that. If he then awoke at night, I would give him another bottle and he would again, drink it and just go to sleep after on his own. Same at nap time.

This has now all changed and he screams hysterically if you try to leave the room at all, if he's awake. So I need to stay with him too, until he falls asleep.

Seeing as I put the kids to bed on my own pretty much every night, I've resorted to having them both in the bed with me until they fall asleep. Then I usually move the baby to his cot ( in the same room ) and keep the 3 year old in the bed too. Then I go about my business downstairs for a bit and later sleep in a different room. So 3 year old and baby sleep in the same room.

When the baby wakes up in the night, he then wants me to lie with him in bed until he falls asleep. So I take him out of his cot and onto the bed with 3 year old. 3 year old sleeps through it. I then often also fall asleep with both of them as it's usually the middle of the night that he wakes. Last night he woke at 2 and then was wide awake from 4:30. At this point he woke up his sister too and they were both wide awake from 4:30-6. I was fuming. They both then fell asleep again at 6ish, but he was up again at bloody 7:15. I'm like a zombie.

This happens frequently now.

I don't have many uninterrupted nights at all. Even if 3 year old sleeps on her own bed and in her own room, she comes to find me wherever I am and sleeps with me there. So basically it's hard to avoid sleeping with both, but it's just not working.

He has a 1-1:30 hour nap in the day and goes to bed at around 8.

If I even attempt to leave him to cry he's hysterical.

You need to break the cycle.

Can you go away for a few nights (even if you're there in the day; stay with friends/family/at a B&B) and leave the DC's father to deal with them.

When you're back staying in the house, do a re-set; no more mummy putting them to bed, no more co-sleeping etc.

It may feel a bit brutal (& heart-wrenching) at first, but it's for the long-term benefit of you all. The lack of sleep is terrible for your health.

Wow. Firstly, this won’t be forever, but you need to put a stop to this and introduce a new routine. They will resist at first, but after a few days things will settle.

both my daughters are exactly the same age as yours and I totally sympathise- I’d be a zombie too.

my youngest, at around 10 months old loved to co sleep. It was totally ruining mine and husbands sleep so we decided to have a few shitty nights for the greater good. I basically sat next to her cot while she cried. I’d take her out and soothe her, but there was no way she was getting back in our room. It took about three nights but she sleeps through in her own room great now. In fact, she doesn’t like sleeping with us.

I think unfortunately you’re going to have to have a few crap nights and completely stick to whatever you decide to do. Kids actually love structure and routine so this will ultimately be great for you all.

can you all sleep in the same bed, if that would cause the baby to be less awake by the time you get to him? I have a 3.5 yo and 14mo in the same bed, I sleep in between them. but as I am right there, if someone wakes they don't have to cry before I pat or feed back to sleep so don't wake the other one. there are rare occasions one wakes the other and then DH will take the baby usually while I get the eldest back to sleep.

What @lochmaree said ⬆️ you will likely get the most rest and it won’t be forever.

Why does either want feeding in the night? Ours went to bed a bit late but they slept through. Sometimes you just have to show tough love to get through it. These Dc are controlling you and you will need to get back in charge. Otherwise there’s years of this to come.

Just doesn't stop crying as throws up if you leave him to cry even just a few minutes.

We do often sleep in the same bed, but the baby wakes us all up.

What happens if you just put them to bed, close the door, earplugs in then off to sleep?

Would definitely stop the nap for the toddler, my son was wayyyy better at sleeping after that.

OP, are you still with their Dad? Does he help with bedtime?

Yes I did this for years too. It’s the best option for getting the most sleep and we were all happy.

What you’re doing now isn’t working. You’re putting an awful lot of work into trying not to co-sleep and it’s resulting in a lot of bed swapping all night long.

You have two options really - be strict, let them cry, get the Dad to take over etc or just co-sleep with them both and stop worrying about trying to get them to sleep independent and in specific beds.

Can you give your baby their own room? Might help both to have the quiet without interruptions, and if there is a jealousy game going on with the older one as smaller one is with you all night they might stop the wandering... make a big thing of big girl/big boy rooms/beds that they need to stay in.

Can the baby learn to sleep with a dummy not a bottle. A dummy is much easier to find or replace in the night.

And the 3 year old needs to learn to sleep alone. A clear bed time routine and gradual withdrawal should help.

Baby has his own room. I just end up in his room a lot. He has a double bed and cot in his room. So most of the time I end up sleeping in there and 3 year old ends up following me in eventually.

He has a dummy and uses it.

Do you have a partner?

Yeah he's only there 1 night a week.

Why only one night?

It might help to try and gradually reduce the amount of milk in the bottle and / or offer water instead? Might have to work up to that over a few nights , but to break the habit of wanting milk
And if you’ve not tried already, try redirecting their attention to a quick story / song (that you could build into a routine if you haven’t already)

with the 3yo, sometimes gently stirring them before you go to bed helps to reset the sleep cycle and stop the night wakings , not a full wake up but a gentle kiss / cuddle so they stir slightly
At bedtime it might help to try the ‘extended returns’ , tell them you’ll be back in 2 mins, and do go in and give them a kiss and leave again , then extend to 5mins and do the same, then 10mins, 15mins etc until they go off to sleep on their own, knowing you are still coming back periodically

Sorry if you’ve tried this already & I hope things improve for you , sleep deprivation is the worst 💐

Would it work if your oldest child slept in the bed with you and youngest slept in the cot beside your bed?

We're going through this with my 2 year old. She was great at sleeping so her dad took over bedtime and the occasional night wake as I woke 2 nights a week. He started holding her to sleep and taking her to bed when she wakes at night. I've spent the last 3 hours trying to get her down. She fell asleep at 7 and woke at 8. I've been in her room since then, shushing, patting, wiping her face, sitting on the chair, out of the room, back in and repeat. I finally left her room now and not a peep from her. Hopefully we'll get back on track.

I coslept with my older two just to get more sleep but I didn't like it and got fed up after years of being kicked, poked, not being able to get up without one waking. Hope it gets better for you.