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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed at myself for not holding my dead mother to account

25 replies

InsomniacsWife · 11/08/2023 16:29

My mother died earlier in the summer after a short illness. Frankly she was an atrocious parent to my brother and I, an equally awful grandparent to her 4 grandchildren and throughout my life, in order to keep the peace and stay on the path of least resistance I let so many things go unchallenged. Things that should have been challenged and now she's dead I'm disappointed in myself at not being brave enough to have stood up to her and also angry at the idea of her having behaved like that and having basically got away with it.

Her toxic, narcissistic approach to my brother and I is too long to go into but issues with manipulation, self entitlement, lack of empathy, playing the victim, emotional blackmail, attention seeking

I'm not even sure what my point is but as a piece of advice to anyone with a parent like that, be brave and hold them to account, their death might not give you the relief you thought. Easy to say of course, and a level of bravery I couldn't muster while the old bitch was alive.

OP posts:

TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 16:34

Sorry you're going through that.

Part of the "acceptance" stage of grief is coming to terms with the acceptance that everything left unsaid will remain such. For some people it's positive things, for some it's negative.
It's important to remember that standing up to her would likely not have had any impact on her behaviour, and you did what you had to in order to get through it at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and all that.
It's perhaps odd to some, but the friends I have who have lost parents with whom they had a fraught relationship have had a much trickier grieving processes than those who had happy ones.

user1471505494 · 11/08/2023 16:36

Write her a letter with all the things you would have liked to say to her when she was alive then burn it and let it go. Don’t allow her to control your life and emotional state from beyond the grave

coreas · 11/08/2023 16:36

I'm not even sure what my point is but as a piece of advice to anyone with a parent like that, be brave and hold them to account, their death might not give you the relief you thought.

I'm not interested in hearing the excuses and that is all that would happen if tried to 'hold her to account. I have complex PTSD because of her and while her death won't bring me relief, neither will any sort of engagement with her.

I'm sorry you are struggling, but I don't think your advice is for everyone.

You need to set yourself free.

justasking111 · 11/08/2023 16:39

Get some counselling. I've made my peace, she's still alive but all her children went NC

HorseyMel · 11/08/2023 16:41

Maybe you can think of yourself as the bigger person for letting her die blissfully ignorant?

In any case, what would telling her some truths and upsetting her on her death bed really have achieved? Probably not a lot. Also, if she was a true narcissist, she wouldn't have accepted what you said.

Yes, I think I'd be proud of yourself for your restraint.
You let her pass peacefully despite everything.

Changingagai · 11/08/2023 16:42

I am 3 years on from being in the same place as you . I found the grieving process very hard as I didn’t feel what I conventionally should . You can not change it now and will never know which path in reality would have been preferable. Concentrate on taking care of yourself and those that are important to you . Do not let regrets about what you should or should not have done mean that your mother damages your life anymore than she really has

Curledupwithabook · 11/08/2023 16:43

I felt a bit the same when mine died - but then I remembered that I'd tried to challenge even the tiniest things when she was still alive, and she would turn it back on me, play the victim, seek sympathy from all around about what a terrible daughter I was.... That was why I got into the habit of letting things slide. It wasn't for her benefit - it was for mine.

There's no point with some people. They're not going to hear it, they're not going to accept it. It wouldn't have made any difference.

I hope you can move on and find peace with it.

crazyBadger · 11/08/2023 16:43

Write a letter with absolutely everything you want to say don't hold back at all use the red underlining..... Then burn it .

Original poster

InsomniacsWife · 11/08/2023 16:48

Thanks for the replies. I'd not actually thought about writing it all down. I think I'm going to give that a try

OP posts:

Frencis · 11/08/2023 16:54

I felt similarly after my mother died a few years ago. Look up ‘complicated grief’ - understanding the feelings helped, as did writing about them. Good luck, it is a difficult process but it is a few years on now and I am in a much better place

something2say · 11/08/2023 17:07

My mother was awful and I did challenge her, but as others have said, it made no difference and just brought me another few verses of 'woe is me' and some extended choruses of 'what a terrible life I had and it was your fault.'

Don't fool yourself that yours would have admitted and apologised.

What would you like to say??

Sometimes I think about how I'll feel when my mother dies and I think it will be relief. We've been no contact since my mid 20s and I'm almost 49 now. No regrets at all.

Good luck op xx you are not alone xx

KnittedCardi · 11/08/2023 17:10

You could have challenged her OP, but to what end? I spent the two years of my mother's life trying to get her to be reasonable, to accept my husband of 30 years, called her out for being a bad Nonna, for manipulating her children, and for saying terrible things about pretty much everyone in her life.

I just meant I was stressed and in tears for much of those two years, and then spent the year after her death trying to patch up all her mess.

You do live on. You just have to accept that it wasn't your fault, and some people will never change, not accept their failings.

pickledandpuzzled · 11/08/2023 17:13

Mourn the mother you deserved but didn't have. Don't delude yourself that she'd have changed or been guilty if you'd confronted her

She was who she was. Get your revenge/closure by breaking the cycle. Be a better person and mum than she was.

Thelonelygiraffe · 11/08/2023 17:13

I'm sorry for your loss - and sorry that your relationship with your mother wasn't what you wanted and deserved.

I'm in a similar situation now but my mum is still alive. I'm wondering if it's worth talking about all the times she's been awful, or whether it's pointless. (I know she won't take it well or have an epiphany at this stage!)

You might find it helpful to have some counselling to help you come to terms with what is.

Don't feel bad about not challenging every thing she did wrong. You did what you had to do at the time to get through.

I wish you all the very best.

MongoFrogman · 11/08/2023 17:14

This reply has been deleted

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Restinggoddess · 11/08/2023 17:16

I once heard an interview with the author Antony Horowitz ( might have been desert island discs)
He spoke about his grandmother who was an unpleasant woman

Now I am not suggesting you do what he did but …., he said he and his siblings went and danced on her grave

Not recommending or anything- but you are not alone

Take care of you and be the best ‘you’ that you can be

GalileoHumpkins · 11/08/2023 17:16

This reply has been deleted

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Mary46 · 11/08/2023 17:18

Sorry for your loss. People dont get it if their parent easy. I did counselling. Confronting her didnt help op it just got argumentative. I call but its short.. suits me fine to be honest

pickledandpuzzled · 11/08/2023 17:22

I've reported Mongo's post. Hopefully it won't hang around long b

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 17:29

The same here. For me It could have even made her happy to know what we thought. That her nastiness had worked. I talk about her to my sibling. We rant. I destroyed every photo of her. I make sure that her memory is truthful and my kids know that she was horrid. That memory is what will continue. It’s difficult. I found that talking about my experience helps.

MontyCCU · 11/08/2023 17:30

I don't know OP - I called out my beauty to no avail. Keeping quiet is a survival mechanism so don't feel bad. Nothing you can do will change her. You've escaped now - you and your brother are the only good thing to come from her so go out and thrive ❤️

Furmitycorner798 · 11/08/2023 17:43

Sorry for your loss op.

This is probably a very woolly liberal answer and is in no way meant to diminish or invalidate your very real experience of your unpleasant and manipulative mother, but very few people become that destructive without having some adverse parenting themselves. I am not saying that she shouldn’t have taken responsibility, because once you reach a certain age you have to own your issues, but she may have been incapable of seeing her own faults and therefore talking to her while alive may have been a lost cause resulting in a lot of upset for you op.

There are some interesting books about grief on the market atm and have a look at Grief Works by Julia Samuels. It’s an app designed to help you navigate grief and all its various permutations. She explains that hate is not the opposite of love - that is actually indifference - it might be worth looking at this as an alternative to therapy in person.

Ayalight · 11/08/2023 17:43

user1471505494 · 11/08/2023 16:36

I second this. You can even light a white candle and speak out loud as if she was in the room with you. It may seem like mumbo jumbo but it is soo cathartic. Her passing would have made her reflect on her wrongs on her time on earth too.

justasking111 · 11/08/2023 18:08

I'd be lighting a black candle to mine 🤬

Minfilia · 11/08/2023 18:20

I’ve been there too.

Imagine if she was still alive though. How would you approach that conversation? Would she listen? Would she care? Probably not. You’d just end up being blamed for her faults or gaslit into being told your version of events never happened. It probably wouldn’t have made you feel any better and may have even made you feel worse.

I spent a long time on this topic with my therapist. Wishing I’d called the police even at times and wondering what life would have been like if I’d done that.

But it wouldn’t have changed anything or made it any better. And at least now she’s gone you don’t have to deal with it anymore and she doesn’t have to have a hold on you.

Fuck her. And enjoy the rest of your life free of that bullshit!

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