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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal? *trigger warning*

24 replies

Mythel · 11/08/2023 16:27

I think I've been raped 5 times in my life by 3 different men. One being my first time, another being my fiancee.

Is non consensual sex just the norm now. Why are we taught to say no when it means nothing.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 11/08/2023 16:36

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

It's not the norm, though.

Summer2424 · 11/08/2023 16:42

@Mythel it's not the norm, sorry you've gone through this xx

IDriveMySupernova · 11/08/2023 16:43

Sadly common, but not normal.

Spirallingdownwards · 11/08/2023 16:44

Please tell me you are no longer with your fiancé

Original poster
Mythel · 11/08/2023 16:47

@Spirallingdownwards I'm still with him.

It's so confusing because when you think rape you think being held down against your will and having aggressive sex. But everytime its been in the middle of having what starts off as consensual sex, then being pushed to do more than I originally wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mythel · 11/08/2023 16:49

Is it really not? I'm sitting here crying feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment. My first sexual experience was non consensual and I feel like it has just sat the tone for the rest of my sexual life.

I have a daughter with my fiance and I'm not even sure if she was made from rape.

OP posts:
Mollyisacat · 11/08/2023 16:51

Oh mate, so sorry this is the norm for you. No it’s not normal. Every time you’re not comfortable with where the sex is going and you say no, and he keeps going, that’s rape. It’s not ok for him to keep going. You need to contact woman’s aid or the police. Have you got family support in real life?

Original poster
Mythel · 11/08/2023 16:53

@Mollyisacat I don't think my family want to know at this point. I have had mental breakdowns from his assaulting me but I keep going back to him.

No one thinks he is a monster for what he is doing so it makes me feel confused about it. Like im overreacting

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 11/08/2023 16:53

Enthusiastic consent is something some men don't like to understand.

I'm sorry your experiences have been so hard.

Coercive sex is more common than many of us realise.

I've had similar experiences, OP, and I do think that loss of empowerment in your first experience impacts you in future.

Would it be easier for you to recognise that you are unhappy in this relationship, he isn't respecting you and behaving in a considerate way, and therefore the relationship is over? Does that make it easier to process and move forward?

Just to be clear, I'm not minimising what you have said, I absolutely believe you, but sometimes it's easier to move forward when we package things more comfortably.

Flowers
pickledandpuzzled · 11/08/2023 16:57

I'm so sorry you have no support.

Consider the police, and women's aid.

Do you have any friends you can confide in?

Original poster
Mythel · 11/08/2023 17:00

@pickledandpuzzled no. Can't call police as I have no where to go if I don't live with him

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 11/08/2023 17:10

If he is committing offences- like rape and coercive control- then they can signpost you to agencies like housing.

I'm sorry I'm naive, but you can't stay. It's putting your DD at risk. She is living in a house with domestic violence. You need to plan a way out.

Gently, this can't go on. You need to protect yourself and your DD.

WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 11/08/2023 17:14

It’s so common that it might as well be normal.
Of course it shoudn’t, but men being the way that they are… you know.

I agree that no means no and me too’s and all those have really not actually changed anything.
Women may have learned that what has happened/is happening to them is wrong, but men learned nothing and just keep going like they did before.

I’m sorry what has happened to you, op.

HeadChog · 11/08/2023 17:28

It doesn't matter whether it's common or normal. It's wrong, and you deserve better.

And please don't think for another second about how your daughter may have been conceived. Your daughter was made from love - you loved, and nourished, and cherished, and birthed her. Then you continued to care for her and enabled her to grow, and you will keep on doing that. That is what she is made from. Your love.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 11/08/2023 17:42

No it’s absolutely not normal, unfortunately you’ve been has lighted into thinking it is.

It is understandable if you didn’t want to go to the police or make a big deal out of it but you do need to leave as it is not ok.

Original poster
Mythel · 11/08/2023 17:51

I'm packed. Where can I go

OP posts:
Itsnotrightbutitsok · 11/08/2023 17:56

Who’s home is it?

You can’t leave your DD there.

Do you have any family members or anything?

C1N1C · 11/08/2023 18:00

This is not my opinion, but I saw a video the other day blaming the culture of allowing all men free rein of their emotions.

It said that historical masculinity taught men to hide/suppress their emotions/desires, and as such they learned how to restrain themselves. It said men these days have no control, and as such, lose control.

Thoughts?

Truth be told, I think this is half blaming society and half excusing these men, which is utterly wrong.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/08/2023 18:16

I have also had a number of non-consensual sexual experiences and have never really had a positive experience of sex, at best it’s been tolerable and at worst devastating. I only consider myself to have been raped once wbut have had many other times where I was coerced, so drunk I wasn’t able to consent, where a man has done acts I hadn’t consented to during consensual sex, where I have said stop during sex I initially consented to and not been listened to or where I have clearly been upset and in tears from pain and discomfort and men have continued regardless. I’ve also been touched and groped and harassed by men many times in public, had men flash at me, had men push me into groping the, etc. This is with a number of different men, some relationships, some one night stands, some friends, some strangers. I am not sure if I give off vibes which make men want to push sex too far or coerce and assert themselves over me when I try and say no or to ignore it when I put up a boundary or whether I am at fault for putting myself in these situations but whilst I know this isn’t normal for all of my friends it seems normal to me. I purposefully avoid being alone with men now aside from a very small few who are either family or who I have been friends with since childhood and would never consider dating or being in a relationship because I recognise it leaves me to vulnerable to assault. So whilst I don’t think this is normal for everyone, I think for some women like me and you it is, but I couldn’t really say why.

adultingforever · 11/08/2023 18:20

OP you asked where you can go. Can you get in touch with women's Aid? Local Council? There are shelters, etc. Or if the home is in your name, you can go to police to get help getting him out.... Wishing you better in the future. This is not OK!

Avalovelace · 11/08/2023 18:22

Coercive sex is non-consensual and therefore rape. My ex is has been charged as such and the case is making its way through the Criminal justice system. There was no physical violence but the police took me seriously. At the very least, speak to rape crisis. They will help you put things in perspective and can signpost you to counselling.

FictionalCharacter · 11/08/2023 18:35

No it’s absolutely not normal and please don’t marry him. He’ll abuse you for your whole lives together.

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