Does anyone else find it hard to get over hurtful comments?

[malificent7]

When people say hurtful things to me I find it takes me ages to get over it.
For example, a frienemy said to me years ago that I wasn't that pretty. From then on, I realised she was not a true friend...i do think I was pretty but it stung that she put me down.
My late MIL called me "Missy" when we 1st met and although we went on to have a good relationship, it still smart that she was so rude.
When discussing wedding plans with my dad he said he wasn't going to give me as much as he gave my sister as he spent more on me when I was growing up...it cut like a knife as I was severely ill growing up and needed bailing out as i was on hospital for over a month with mh issues. I feel like i don't deserve a nice wedding.
My dad also told me that the exam was too easy when I got 99% in my anatomy exam.
How do I stop feeling so hurt and angry...is it normal to feel hurt, angry and push these people away?
Dh says you cannot change how people behave but you can change how you react to them.

Your DH is right. You have every right to feel hurt by these comments and yes it’s normal, perhaps your frienemy is projecting her own insecurities onto you to make herself feel better or she might genuinely think you’re not pretty, does it matter what she thinks? Is your make up, hair and clothing designed around her personal taste? If not, ignore her. If you are happy with how you look, carry on. Your dad maybe had a set amount for each of you and used a good amount of your fund as you grew up, that’s neither your fault or his, just how it is. I wouldn’t consider being called Missy an insult, but if you do, that’s fine, you ultimately had a good relationship and that’s what is important.

I personally think you need to put these things behind you and move on, they’re minor insults in my opinion.

I am exactly the same, I really struggle, but your DH is right, you can’t change people!

It is the way things are said i think. I REALLY struggle with family dynamics.

Remind yourself that growing up with a bitter shithead like your dad - someone who can’t bring himself to be proud of his obviously very bright daughter, probably contributed to the MH issues that put you in hospital in the first place. (Even if it wasn’t the root cause, people who react like that eat away at your self-confidence and identity.)
Just so you know… Anatomy’s a really difficult subject. To get 99% you must really love it and have worked really, really hard.

I’M really proud of you!!!

Fraahnces...you made me well up! Thank you!

Not really, I’d be irritated that the person was rude
but I wouldn’t value their opinion so what they actually said wouldn’t bother me.
if it was my best friend or my DH for example, I consider them to be kind, intelligent, knowledgable people whose opinion I respect and value, then yes I would struggle to get over it.

Even then though some of the things you’ve said seem a bit much, like holding onto being called ‘missy’ after years of an otherwise happy and respectful relationship with MIL? That doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me. So maybe just have a think about what exactly is bothering you, whose opinion bothers you, and why you think that may be. I imagine in part due to your dad, who sounds like a dick

I'm the same. It can be things people said to me years ago, and it'll sting or upset me when I remember. I wish I was thick-skinned.

Also you absolutely do deserve a lovely wedding if that’s what you want. I’m guessing you’ve not been made to feel very valuable as a child and that’s really unfair, so you’ll need to learn that yourself now. But you absolutely do deserve nice things

I had a boss who called me Missy. I”ll never forget a work trip when she sashayed down the train clicking her fingers, shouting “Come along, Missy.”

Then she called a member of the train catering staff a Trolly Dolly and this says everything about her.

Insults are hurtful. I mentally line by perps up in a line and tell them to F off.

I think it was the way " missy " was said. I can tell she was very suspicious of me.

My guess is that you grew up in a household where you all walked on eggshells anticipating what mood your dad was going to be in. Sounds like he has form for knowing how to respond in the most dismissive, hurtful and humiliating way possible. As a kid this makes you feel utterly rejected and that there is something wrong with YOU. It’s obviously the other way around, but now you are grown up, you still walk into a room, anticipating the same kind of judgement and criticism that you would receive from your Dad. You still have a constant stream of anxiety, panicking about what people think and about you in every single situation. You are so worked up waiting for the axe to fall that it’s almost a relief when it does. I need to tell you something very, very empowering.
99% of the time, people are thinking about how THEY are perceived. They have their own inner dialogue playing out that you can never be privy to. They’re really not paying attention to you at all. (However if your constant need to check in and find out becomes intrusive and overwhelming feels like self-absorption to them)

I am autistic and find myself getting very anxious about hurtful things people have said to me and what I have done to deserve them. I was in hospital lately, extremely ill and certainly not in my right mind (encephalitis) for the first few days/week. On the day I was discharged one of the nurses took great delight in telling me what a nightmare patient I had been, how rude and insulting I had been to the staff etc. That is the way I have taken it anyway - she may have been joking, I don't know, but I was in floods of tears afterwards. I hate to think I was rude and insulting - when I'm in my right mind I try really hard not to offend people. This is something that has really affected me and I dread having to go into hospital again. I don't think it is something I will ever forget.

I’m so sorry this happened to you @DilemmaDelilah. Does your Autism affect your ability to read people’s faces and translate the nuances of tone of voice? I suspect she was being kind and humorous, and if you had the ability to read these things, you would have known that she was implying that you were the opposite kind of patient. I’m a nurse and if I thought someone had spoken seriously like that to any patient, I would tear strips off her until she reconsidered her career. My eldest DD has autism and finds “reading the room” (like working out if people are joking or not), whether she is reacting appropriately to cues, etc utterly exhausting. She’s only 19 but she’s getting better at it.

They were hurtful and rude comments so it's understandable that you feel hurt, I would too.

What I found helpful is to challenge comments either in the moment or later out loud or in writing, not so much to be sent to them but to get it out of your head. You can rip the paper later or keep it in a private journal.

I think it's a CBT type of thing but I don't know the official tool name. I sort of say out loud what happened or what was said and then I imagine it happened or was told to someone I love, I often think of my DC as I love them more than I love myself, and then I reply to the person as if they were there and say what I couldn't say in the moment. I tell them what I really think.

For example, the test was too easy.

I would say: I deserved the mark that I got because I worked hard for it. What you are saying is rude and unsupportive, a good parent wouldn't say this to their child. You should be proud of me and not negate my achievement, are you jealous that you could never get a grade as high?

Your comment was dismissive of my achievement and hard work, who the hell hurt you to say this to your own child? That was unkind and no wonder I still struggle with self worth because of the way you parented me (so acknowledge your own feelings, back yourself up, stand up for yourself, show compassion to yourself). what you said dad wasn't something a normal, kind adult would say to a child you weren't a good dad and so your comments are not a true reflection of me and my achievements. This is more to do with your own messed up head and issues that you are treating me this way.

Really tell them off out loud or on paper. I think when we remember a bad comment, get overwhelmed by sadness and then panic and try to quickly suppress thinking about it we don't process it til the end, it is painful but push against the desire to stop thinking about it, really push and explore what sort of person made this comment and in what context and whether their behaviour or comment was fair, knowing what you know now about life. You don't have to accept others opinion of you even if they are your own parents as parents can be cunts, too.

I have adhd and rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a thing.
I thought everyone relived horrible, upsetting things (eg my best friend saying she wouldn't walk home with me anymore when I was 11, 50 years ago) over and over and had sad regrets but no - it's just me. But better now I'm on medication.

@Fraaahnces my sisters say I am 'prickly', meaning that I take offence at things, so it may well be the case that I don't necessarily understand when something is a joke. However I was extremely ill and I may well have been very horrible. I did wonder whether this nurse had a different idea of what is funny (and appropriate to say to a patient) as she is from a different culture.
The really difficult thing for me is that I actually work at the same hospital and I have cancer so if I go back in it will be to the same ward. I hate to think that there will be gossip going round about me if I have to go back in again.
And, whether I take offence easily or not, people should think before they make a joke about anyone! They may be autistic, they may be extremely sensitive about what is being joked about, they may be having a really bad day or there could be a million and one other reasons why such a joke may be hurtful. People (in general) seem to think being 'funny' is more important than considering other's feelings.

Not really, but then I’m pretty quick with a comeback and I can look back and laugh at their audacity…but I have a robust self esteem and I don’t much care for other’s opinions of me tbh. That might sound arrogant, I’m really not, but I know my worth and I suppose I’m pretty thick skinned 🤷🏼‍♀️

My mum is a prickly person, and has said a few things over the years which have upset me. She’s also said hundreds of perfectly lovely things so I have to work hard to think of the latter, rather than the former. She had a very strict upbringing by pretty loveless parents, so I have to remind myself she’s fighting against that.

Bloody hard though. The trouble is you rarely have a good comeback at the time, so it’s easy to spend time wishing you could rewind and then come out with the perfect retort!

FWIW I’m exactly the same with still being hurt by things many years ago… it changes your perception of that person for life.
You are clearly both intelligent and beautiful OP.

Your husband is completely right in his approach, if he could teach us both how to feel differently let me know!

I’m so sorry you have cancer. I hope your prognosis is good. @DilemmaDelilah. I don’t think she should have spoken to you that way, and you shouldn’t need to carry an ID card or wear badge sewn to your clothes to identify your Autism to people either. If you are admitted again to that ward, (assuming you were well enough at the time) how would you feel about discussing this with your nurse? I know nurses are busy and I don’t work in the NHS. (Different country). If a patient is combative, it does make our job difficult, but knowing that they have a disability means that we may be able to arrange different options to make them comfortable. It’s awful when you’re sick and vulnerable and being bossed around by nurses. You think they’re antagonistic, but their only agenda is to follow the best treatment plan to get you well as soon as possible.

My friend's boyfriend kept telling me I was ugly so I just stopped socialising with them. She didn't stick up for me so couldn't be arsed with 'friends' like that.

Yes, some " friends" are not worth it.
The funniest thing is though, I went to my dad's on Tuesday and he was telling us dismissive things his own late mum said to him. When dsis graduated from med school she just said " well doctors aren't what they used to be." Dad was clearly hurt by this comment 20 years later. He says exactly the same sort of thing to me but cannot see he's just like his mum. He freely admits his mum was awful at times...but so is he!

So perhaps it is learned behaviour!

Maybe intergenerational trauma there.

In terms of your own feelings and reactions, if you were hurt a lot / by caregivers as a child, it makes sense that hurtful behaviour would cut you more deeply as an adult because it's reactivating old wounds. At least part of your reaction in the present may be to things that happened in the past.