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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family member wants to visit kids too often?

23 replies

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 13:44

I've read a few threads on MN from mums who wish their sisters/ other relatives were more involved in their children's lives. The general consensus is without a doubt that they should not press the issue and that extended family have no obligation to spend time with our kids. I definitely agree with this, specially if said family members are not the grandparents.
But what if it's the other way around? What if a extended family member expects more contact with you/ your child than you're comfortable with? Do you put boundaries in place? How?
There's someone who wants to see the kids weekly. We didn't really have much of a relationship before, and I see this as taking an interest for her own profit, like a passtime (she doesn't have kids but loves them). I don't understand how she's not sensing that it's too much for me.
I don't have any safety concerns, although I don't want this person to become a role model or whatever. Also, after work and school, homework, extracurricular activities, chores, playdates and time spent with grandparents, we don't have a lot of time left to spend together as a family or doing fun activities. The last thing I want is another weekly commitment. And no, I don't need free babysitting.
I know kids can be exhausting, but this is not how I feel about mine. I love spending time with my kids and always have a list of things to do or games to play with them.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 11/08/2023 13:50

Just tell her you don't have time, kids are busy. If they keep crossing your boundary then ignore them, their the one being weird not you.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/08/2023 13:50

*they're fgs.

Original poster

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 14:06

I try, but she seems to think she plays a crucial role in their life or something? I think it gives her purpose. I want them to have a relationship, but I don't want such an intense presence in my life.
My kids have a lot of other loving adults in their lives who go out of their way for them, so I don't have any concern in that regard. Sometimes the demands to spend time with them are just too much though.

OP posts:

UpaladderwatchingTV · 11/08/2023 14:10

Who exactly is this person OP, a close relative, sister, or someone more removed? If it's a sister, just tell her straight, that you really don't have time for anything more than dealing with all the things you've listed here, tell her you'll give her time when you can, but it's really not easy to fit any more into your schedule right now. Just use your words and tell her how things are, I can understand you don't want to upset whoever it is, but they really don't have any rights of access to your children, so just do what you have to do, to make that clear.

cheddercherry · 11/08/2023 15:55

Hard to say really without knowing how close a relative they are but you’ve got options:

You could explain to her as gently as you’ve stated here that you simply do not have time in the family schedule to commit to a set visit each week, that like other members of the family (presumably) you’d love to organise some get togethers or day trips but a weekly visit isn’t going to be continent.

For what it’s worth I too would be going mad with someone I wasn’t formally close to (and outside of my children didn’t spend time with) demanding set time each week, sometimes, with the best will in the world it’s more a hindrance than a help. It’s not the same as a relative you’re super close with coming over informally. It’s just not. I also am with you that I value our family time as much as socialising with the wider family too.

Your other option is to be less direct and simply not make plans, say you are busy, avoid or make yourselves unavailable and hope the message gets across. Set boundaries with when you respond to them and don’t always be available. I personally think you’re better just saying directly that it’s just quite hectic with the family right now and the commitment is too much. Or be proactive and arrange something in a few months (or whenever you’d want) say it’s a really busy few months with kids back into a new term etc and suggest that as the next meeting. Basically put some distance in.

Life is too short to be frazzled by an unwelcome guest inserting themselves into your home life especially if you’re not really benefiting from the intrusion and the motivations for wanting so much time together are dubious.

bananaboats · 11/08/2023 16:08

Can you not just be busy every time they try and arrange to visit unless it suits?

workemails · 11/08/2023 16:24

We didn't really have much of a relationship before, and I see this as taking an interest for her own profit

Is this not what all friendships are? You meet a friend who you have a similar lifestyle or interests to and you see them. You profit by being able to talk / indulge in that thing. I have one friend I was in a friend group with for 10 years but we never did things one on one or even text privately. I then got a dog (she has a dog) and now we walk together at least 3 times a week. I dont feel i'm using her, I feel we now just have something in common and enjoy a shared interest that we didnt have before. I have gotten closer to some of my cousins in later life once we had children because now we have a shared lifestyle.

Separate issue, if you feel this is an extra commitment you dont need then obviously cut the contact down. But I dont think you or her are doing anything wrong.

Original poster

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 17:17

Hmmm I think what you are describing is different. Perhaps I didn't provide enough background information.

If we are not close, I would say that it's mostly because she never wanted to foster closeness or connect with me at a deeper level. I noticed that and backed off after a while. I thought it was weird though, so that's partly why I don't trust her intentions. She's all over my kids though since day 1. I don't have a feeling of a "shared interest" or the like. I don't know for sure that her intentions are self-serving but it's odd to say the least. I do think she's very egoistical and basically puts her needs above everyone else's.

You're right that it's a separate issue. Although the fact that she wasn't particularly friendly in the past adds to the feeling of burden.

OP posts:

cheddercherry · 11/08/2023 17:20

If that’s the case I’d feel no obligation to accommodate her. I’d simply be busy/ not available and keep the relationship to extended family gatherings? It does seem weirder if you’re not close at all and especially if you’ve felt a frostiness in the relationship to have to spend so much time together? Just nip it in the bud and say you’re busy.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/08/2023 17:23

Are you worried that she will give them lots of attention while they are young and cute, and then lose interest when they get older and a bit awkward and graceless?

Original poster

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 18:09

This is exactly what I expect will happen. I also wouldn't like them to pick up traits or behaviours from her that I don't really like, but I'm not sure if that's very likely.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2023 18:09

I’d be having a very honest conversation about how she suddenly wants to visit but before the dc arrived, you barely had a relationship. If you really want her to reduce contact time, then step up and tell her, you’re the mum, not a doormat. It’s difficult to hurt feelings etc, but as you say, she’s doing this for selfish reasons and it’s putting you out.

Original poster

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 18:10

Sorry, I meant to reply to your post @TheYearOfSmallThings

OP posts:

Original poster

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 18:24

@bananaboats I try, but she always proposes an alternative (tomorrow/later/I'll join you). Or she pouts. I guess she just won't take 'no' for a answer.

@cheddercherry Thanks for the tips and support. I really want to avoid drama, I just want to put some distance between us, something that feels confortable, without hurting her feelings. I fear that if I'm honest with her, even if I'm gentle, she'll be offended. No idea how to tackle this.

OP posts:

DPotter · 11/08/2023 18:38

As she's a relation, is there anyone who can intervene on your behalf and basically tell her to back of ? That way both parties save face / don't feel as if they are being rude. Is she looking for exclusive meet ups? If so can you get her to join you when you meet up with your parents / in laws / etc ?

Although I have to say with people like this, you sometimes have to be blunt before they get the message.

cheddercherry · 11/08/2023 18:42

It’s definitely a tricky one. Are you likely to get flack from other family members for distancing yourself?

To be honest if she doesn’t take no for an answer it kind of forces you to be more direct if you want a resolution. She sounds like she’d take offence even if you were super polite so rather than many back and forth of awkward excuses and protests I’d just politely but firmly get to the point. If you go gentle she will as you say just go “how about that/that” so you need to keep it to a concise explanation that the current situation is no longer convenient. Make it about you/ your family and not about her (to avoid any insult). She can’t reasonably be outraged if a family is just asking for some time together. If she pouts or sulks off at that then at least you’ll have some peace for a while?

If she’s going to be dramatic then it’s firmly her issue, I’m sure other family members would be understanding of how hectic and busy family life can get and asking for a bit of space for a while isn’t unreasonable. But maybe another family member can help you reach out or suggest to her that you’ve got a lot going on? Sort of smoothing the way for you to back off?

Shopper727 · 11/08/2023 18:42

If you’re not close then I’d just say sorry but no this sudden interest in the kids but not me is weird and I’m not interested maybe she’ll latch on to someone else’s kids.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 11/08/2023 18:46

Who are they? Would you have to fight your eg parents if hounout your foot down?

Do they just turn up or do they plan a visit?

Advice changes due to answers to the above.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 11/08/2023 18:47

I fear that if I'm honest with her, even if I'm gentle, she'll be offended

It's up to her if she chooses to be offended by some gentle honesty, isn't it? How much is she worrying about your feelings, do you think? Or your children's needs?

MamaBear9 · 11/08/2023 18:53

Always your gut when it comes to people who want to spend time with your children.

MamaBear9 · 11/08/2023 18:53

Always trust your gut…… I meant to say

Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 19:19

Given you are not close, and don’t fully trust her why do you care if she is offended? I think you need to be a much stronger advocate for your dc op. No one had access to my dc and I have always been very boundaried around them.
Whatever her reasons, they are not in the best interests of your children, so it stops. You can deliver the message or sugar coat it, but they are your dc and it’s your choice/responsibility to keep them safe.

Goldbar · 11/08/2023 19:59

What age are your children?

If they're coming up to school age, I would keep her on board and utilise her for your own purposes. Personally I find the reading aloud regularly, the craft projects and the homework a PITA. I would love an auntie living close by who could take some of that off my shoulders and bring some enthusiasm with them. Maybe you don't need it, but I would be biting anyone who offered help's hand off for that.

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