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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect people to do things together on holiday?

15 replies

Pineapples198 · 11/08/2023 13:26

I’m currently away with my DH, 2 DS’s and my parents in law. It’s been lovely but a hard week. I would expect that the 6 of us do things together. It seems we make a plan, go to do said plan and people wander off in all directions. We can’t even walk through the village without people going in 3 directions and end up waiting about or trying to find people. One day everyone wanted an afternoon in the house except me. I said ok we’ll stay in. Parents in law then went for a walk by themselves and DH went to sleep for 2 + hours leaving me on my own with the kids all afternoon. Today we decided to do a beach day. It rained for like 2 minutes and parents in law left the beach and didn’t come back. To be “helpful” they took most of the beach toys up with them. DH then said he ought to go and check his parents had remembered to get themselves some lunch (??) so left me on my own with the kids again. When I asked him to stay he said you know I don’t like the beach anyway. I said we’ve barely been on it all week so I don’t know why we bothered booking a beach holiday. Husband was like “well you and the kids can go on the beach if you want!”. Similar story most days tbh. We will be out as a group and then DH and FIL will disappear into a museum leaving me with the kids and MIL (who has dementia).
If I say something like I really want is to all go on the beach together or just stay together my husband just shrugs and says “we can all just do what we want!” However this doesn’t work for me as while others go elsewhere I need to do what the kids want to do. I wouldn’t dream of just wandering off so inevitably I get left til last and it’s assumed the kids will always be with me. My parents in law have largely ignored the children most of the week except to shush them and haven’t played with them at all. On the beach they just sit or go for a walk by themselves only to go back to the house after an hour.

AIBU to think that I’m getting the short end of the stick here? Maybe I should just take myself off and away and do what I what to do but I don’t want to leave other people in the lurch either!

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 11/08/2023 13:30

Maybe I should just take myself off and away and do what I what to do but I don’t want to leave other people in the lurch either!

Absolutely do this. People on holiday don't have to do things together, that's not a rule, but seems what's happening is that you're getting stuck with the DC, so at least take some time to yourself to balance things out if you want to. If you're happy to be the DC and MIL, that's a different matter, but your DH seems like he's sodding off and leaving you with all the responsibility.

OTOH, if you want to go out and everyone else wants to stay in the house, go out. You're not beholden to the group in such situations, dunno why you'd stay.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/08/2023 13:32

Because why would they be left in the lurch simply because you're not there? They can manage without you, can't they?

PuttingDownRoots · 11/08/2023 13:34

You PILs aren't geared up for a child orientated holiday. Its not a case of doing stuff together, its that everyone has different needs.

Can PILs go out by themselves or do they need an extra help?

OriginalUsername2 · 11/08/2023 13:37

Get up before everyone else, leave a note and have a morning to yourself. Explain “we can all do what we want!” when you get back and maybe it will click with DP.

If not, spell it out!

Tinkerbyebye · 11/08/2023 13:39

Just take yourself off. When you get somewhere just say ok kids you are with dad I am going to look round and go

Topseyt123 · 11/08/2023 13:47

Why do you think you all have to do everything together? We never did that, even on the odd occasion we did go away with PILs. They did their own thing, we did ours (even when we were there with small children). Far less stress that way.

DH often also hired a bike for himself, but I wasn't interested in that and still am not.

So, I'm with your DH. Go ahead and do your own thing. It sounds like everyone would be happier that way anyway. Why do you think it would be letting people down?

NEmama · 11/08/2023 13:49

Your problem here is they're leaving the kids with you. Unfair

devildeepbluesea · 11/08/2023 13:50

I wouldn’t expect to live in each other’s pockets with people just because we’re on holiday together.

That said, I wouldn’t expect to be lumbered with the kids all the time either.

minipie · 11/08/2023 13:52

Do not go on holiday with your PILs again. Your DH is using them as an excuse to bow out of parenting.

Go on holiday as a 4, and either you all
stick together, or you and DH each take turns to take yourself off for a few hours and do what you want.

leopard22 · 11/08/2023 13:54

Why are your arsed about leaving people in the lurch when your DH has fucked off with crappy excuses leaving you with the kids on numerous occasions.

Get yourself up in the morning and out the door by yourself for a breezy "oh I'm just going out, will be back later" and hide yourself away doing what you want to do for the day. If it's good for DH, it's good for you- he can occupy the kids for a day by himself and see how much fun he has.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2023 14:29

Yeah you’re getting properly shafted here.

You need to set up a rota with DP if he’s going to be like this as to who is “on” with the children on each day - and make it equal between you.

You can’t all do just what you want as one person is responsible for the children - the children and you aren’t a package, with him separate and independent.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 14:33

Imo I would be going off with my dc and a wad of cash and having fun. Leave dh with his dps. His loss.

Spirallingdownwards · 11/08/2023 14:33

I wouldn't expect you all to do everything together and would expect some things done separately. But you aren't being treated fairly. I would go off and do something for myself.

So YABU expecting people to do everything together but YANBU that you are being stitched up and left with all childcare by DH.

NeedToChangeName · 11/08/2023 14:49

I wouldn't expect all 6 to spend all day together. I'd expect to split up in different combinations during the day, and meet for dinner

Your main issue is that you seem to feel obliged to be with the kids all the time. Time to be a bit more selfish

Off topic, but are you also doing all the cooking?

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2023 15:23

The biggest problem is that your DH is not assuming equal care of the kids, he feels free to just leave it all to you. Yes, generally, it's fine for people to do their own thing on holidays, but parents should work as a team imo, and at least be checking with the other if they go off and do something else.

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