Your post freaked me out. I am in very similar situation.
I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. At a similar time my husband moved to overseas for work, my daughter started self harming, and I’d been working incredibly hard in a stressful job at international firm.
Now I am off work sick because I feel like I have lost my mind, my self. I lose myself in thought to such a degree I’m not self aware, cannot recall seeing or hearing for that time and moments or hours can slip away. I did a first aid training recently and it’s almost like an absent seizure but it can’t be because I can be pulled out if someone starts shouting “hello” or physically touches me.
My short term memory has gone from 70% hit rate to below 10% (obvs plucking numbers for illustrative purposes) and it’s terrifying because my mum had dementia.
I am unable to bring myself to cook, shower, water the garden, walk my dog. Jobs I think about for hours, procrastinating to the extent that I feel like I will be physically sick if I force myself. So I avoid it more and it gets worse.
I have started adhd meds which helps significantly with my ability to think in a very logical and intelligent way, and I’ve been able (to my surprise) to give very clear and coherent verbal information to work, drs, friends. My ability to suddenly surface information, words and knowledge I didn’t know I had inside me is a shock. Vocabulary I have never used or recalled before pops out in my dialogue and I surprise myself.
I have increased panic attacks triggered by my daughters situation (her father was abusive and I’m not sure I’ve ever recovered, just pushed it away and cracked on).
I have sudden flashbacks from being a child that are unpleasant and upsetting as I process the ADHD diagnosis. Like I’m automatically re-processing all my life events through a new ADHD lens and it makes me laugh, cry, cringe or rage!
I feel hyper vigilant yet completely useless. I need to pull myself for my daughter who needs me.There is no one else to parent her but me and I have no family around to help.
The only ideas I have so far, that might also be of use to you maybe are:
- don't rely on brain and have a kanban/agile style workflow on my kitchen wall to make sure I write every task on a post it and triage it.
- gamify things (adhd is all about the reward, if it's boring there's no pay off) so I'll combine two tasks, one mundane one fun, and I'm not allowed to do the fun one until I've done the dull one. Or I sit and look through my completed tasks and feel happy to see what I've actually done rather than only looking at what I haven't.
- this is a bit mad, but I kind of suddenly impulsively think "I must wash my hair" or what ever think I've been avoiding and chant it out loud and run to do it before my avoidant thoughts come in.
- I'm searching for some kind of specialist ADHD coach/therapist because there's a lot going on in my head and I need to be safe and ground myself in reality
- talking to friends and telling them so I am accountable and can't do anything silly because then they'll check in and I know I don't want them to freak out,
- not telling DH too much, he doesn't understand and starts saying unhelpful things or panics and raises his voice. Which makes me either go mad, or go mute and either way I feel worse after he's stated the bleeding obvious and made me feel slightly ashamed.
- I'm revisiting my mindfulness practice and breathing exercises. I've seen a documentary showing brain scans before and after and it has profound effects on the brain.
- force myself to down a pint of water when I remember to compensate for the dry periods where I forget to drink.
Every day I try to think of productive things I could do and talk to people reach out to organisations and research adhd mental health because there's always a helpful nugget in there.
But bottom line OP don't shame yourself or associate any shame to this. I do that sometimes and it's the most damaging thing you can do. It just makes it worse. Be kind and give yourself a way out.