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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go to an ex mothers funeral

4 replies

Arrowson1964 · 10/08/2023 13:26

By way of background. I had a boyfriend in high school from 15-22. Very off and on, he cheated on me several times, etc. some other bad experiences and It did not end well after he dumped me on social media and wrote some horrible things. I was daft I know!
We live in the same small town, know the same people etc. both married for 7 years, he has children and I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for 12 years in total.
I have bumped into him a few times and been civil as I have moved on and happy.
I was contacted out of the blue on Instagram and he advised his mother was poorly and she sadly passed that same day. I passed on my condolences and he has since contacted me with funeral arrangements saying I would be welcome. His mum was always kind and family welcoming. I haven’t seen most of them properly since the split.
I am now experiencing my fifth miscarriage and obviously going through the motions, experiencing some pain/bleeding and off work and having some time at a family cottage. I have sent a message to say I’m poorly so don’t think I can make it but that I will be thinking of them and passed on my condolences again. I am actually back from the cottage in time but don’t think I’m in the right place to be going along and if it’s even appropriate even though he’s invited me along.
I feel bad and it’s consuming me a bit when I should be focusing on recovering from my miscarriage.
Not really sure what I’m after other than just getting this off my chest and thoughts as I’ve already advised I can’t go. Not really in a position to send flowers or a card as we haven’t kept in touch.
i mentioned to my husband that his Mum had passed and he never asked if I would be going to funeral. Don’t think it’s crossed his mind. X

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 10/08/2023 13:30

There’s no need to go to the funeral, folk often share details with people after someone has died out of courtesy, with no real expectation they’ll attend. I would just reiterate my condolences and say I couldn’t attend (no explanation needed) and wish him all the best.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 13:33

I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage OP. There's no need for you to go to the funeral unless you want to, or to feel bad about it.

Tlolljs · 10/08/2023 13:40

He wants to get his leg over.

Summer2424 · 10/08/2023 14:03

@Arrowson1964
I totally hear you xx
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, this time is about you and you only, focus on yourself and your healing xx

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