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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I say something to DS or MMOB?

24 replies

StTropezTan · 10/08/2023 11:46

Whole family, myself, DH, DD and DS plus their other halves went to a wedding last weekend - DCs both late 20s.
DH and myself left mid evening, DCs stayed as they had overnight accommodation at the venue.

When we left, DS’s GF was pretty drunk and not asking a lot of sense, but still upright. They’ve been together just over a year and tbf, she doesn’t have a habit of heavy drinking and has always seemed a good match for him.
However, I’m now getting feedback from at least 8 different people at the wedding that she was trying to get over familiar and very touchy feely with several male guests, making things very awkward with other women and even grinding herself against the groom!
DS spoke to her on several occasions over the evening asking her to stop and was just told by her to, “Fuck off and mind your own business!” She then announced loudly to group of guests she didn’t even know, that he “has the smallest cock she has ever seen”

She approached DD several times over the evening telling her although she’s very beautiful , she absolutely hates her. Not sure if was some form of warped humour but it didn’t go down well either. DD and her have always got on so well prior to this so not sure where it came from.

DD rang me last night, confirmed and filled me on many of the details that I’d already heard and said she hadn’t planned on telling me any of this, but as others had, so she felt she had no choice.

My dilemma is; do I tell DS I’m aware of what has happened and warn him that he needs to think carefully about her or is it absolutely none of my business? I sort of want to blame the alcohol, excuse her behaviour and put it down to an error of judgment, but DD quite rightly pointed out, if it was a male behaving like this, humiliating his partner, commenting publicly on the size of her breasts, telling her to fuck off and trying it on with the bride, he would be viewed as abusive and if my daughter was on the receiving end of that sort behaviour, I wouldn’t hesitate in protecting her and confronting him.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 10/08/2023 11:52

I think I'd be inclined to at least have a conversation with your son and ask if his girlfriend has got form for being very unpleasant when drunk, and to ask him if he is OK and whether she's apologised or whatever. All the behaviour you describe is awful and yeah, it's abusive. If she becomes obnoxious when drunk, she shouldn't drink.

EvilElsa · 10/08/2023 11:53

I'm mortified on her behalf. I'm imagining (if she really is a nice girl in "real life") that she is just a terrible drunk and will be beyond embarrassed by her behaviour, if she actually remembers.
I remember getting plastered at my DH friends house party when I was 19 and making a tit of myself. Nothing to this scale, but I was really drunk and falling about and DH had to stop the car on the way home so I could throw up. I still feel embarrassed to this day and have never done it again. I think I was trying to give myself a bit of confidence and just fucked it up.
I'd probably speak to DS about it and check he is OK. He must be pretty upset by her behaviour.

MatildaTheCat · 10/08/2023 11:56

I’d check in and say you’d heard she was drunk and abusing people but I would be vague about knowing actual details. Hopefully he’s dealt with it or perhaps she was ungracefully ending it herself.

hardboiledeggs · 10/08/2023 11:58

In all honesty I wouldn't get involved at this point. Your DS is big enough to deal with this on his own but if he wants to speak to you about it then you should be honest.
I'm not excusing her behaviour, but if this hasn't happened before, she's likely feeling worse than anyone else can make her. Think everyone at least once has acted like an arse when drunk. But I can see why you are worried OP.

AuntieStella · 10/08/2023 11:59

Oh dear.

I'd say something - because it becomes the elephant in the room otherwise.

But I'd broach the subject as neutrally as possible (because you don't yet know what he thinks)

Perhaps something like "I heard GF got rather drunk after we left. I hope she's OK, but what happened?" and then listen carefully to what he says.

skinnytobe · 10/08/2023 12:00

I'd just check in and make sure your DS is ok. How horrible

Smartiepants79 · 10/08/2023 12:02

AuntieStella · 10/08/2023 11:59

Oh dear.

I'd say something - because it becomes the elephant in the room otherwise.

But I'd broach the subject as neutrally as possible (because you don't yet know what he thinks)

Perhaps something like "I heard GF got rather drunk after we left. I hope she's OK, but what happened?" and then listen carefully to what he says.

I agree with this.
If you are close and you know he’d take it in the spirit you intend it.
If you can get him to tell you how it looked form his perspective that would be best. Less likely for him to get defensive.
You’ll find out quickly if he’s open to criticism or concern.
Tread very carefully and then keep a close eye on him.

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 12:09

I would say something as @AuntieStella siggested; my mum always takes the mind my own business approach and I actually wish looking back that she had opened up the conversation for me to talk to her about some things boyfriends had done.
Also I’d be interested in how the girlfriend is going to make things up; in my early 20s I got silly drunk at a wedding as the all day drinking caught me out and after the hangover subsided I apologised to the bride and made amends.

senua · 10/08/2023 12:10

Perhaps something like "I heard GF got rather drunk after we left. I hope she's OK, but what happened?" and then listen carefully to what he says.
Agree with this. Start neutrally; talk so they'll listen, listen so they'll talk.
But in the back of your mind be aware that the party was at the weekend and, as of last night, she hasn't made any effort to make amends with DD. The gf is either oblivious or trying to brush it under the carpet - neither of which is good.

goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 12:13

ManateeFair · 10/08/2023 11:52

I think I'd be inclined to at least have a conversation with your son and ask if his girlfriend has got form for being very unpleasant when drunk, and to ask him if he is OK and whether she's apologised or whatever. All the behaviour you describe is awful and yeah, it's abusive. If she becomes obnoxious when drunk, she shouldn't drink.

I agree

Original poster
StTropezTan · 10/08/2023 12:45

Thank you for all your replies - really appreciated.

Very useful and appropriate suggestions for a diplomatic approach - that’s great! I certainly don’t want to come across as judgemental or accusatory - we’ve all had our moments! - but I want him to know that the door is open if he wants to open up and the fact that relaxed drinking is part of any celebration, it’s when it causes a complete change in personality that it’s a concern.

She’s always been a lovely girl in our company and I know he cares deeply about her, so I hope this is just a blip for both of their sakes.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 10/08/2023 13:36

I can understand your concern because this sounds like it went a long way past just embarrassing drunk behaviour. As a PP said, she was abusive, not just loud and embarrassing, so I definitely think I’d broach it gently with your son. He’s an adult, so I’m sure he can decide for himself how to have a conversation with her, but I assuming you have a good relationship with him, I think it would be useful just to make sure he’s OK, and to establish whether this was a one-off or has happened before. “A few people mentioned that GF was quite difficult when she was drunk - does she remember any of it? Obviously we’ve never seen her drink a lot before - was it really out of character for her, or just a side of her we haven’t seen before because she doesn’t usually get drunk around us?”

SparkyBlue · 10/08/2023 14:37

I'm really in two minds about this. On one hand I'd be saying approach it gently with your son and on the other hand if it really was a one off the girl is probably dying inside of embarrassment and it really might not be any indication of her character. She might have had spirits or drank something she is just not used to drinking and be absolutely mortified now. It happened DH about 25 years ago once. He was keeping up with older work colleagues and drinking whiskey and god knows what else I threatened to leave if it ever happened again and it hasn't. So while I'd say have a chat to your son about it if it doesn't ever happen again then draw a line under it and never mention it again.

Valeriekat · 10/08/2023 23:03

What she said to both your children was completely unacceptable and I would be making it very clear that she would not be welcome in my house again.
She is not the person that she was pretending to be.

Valeriekat · 10/08/2023 23:04

Not to mention her behaviour towards the groom.

IamAlso4eels · 10/08/2023 23:21

I think the neutral approach suggested above is the best one.

If you go in with a hard line then your son is more likely to come to her defence and you push them into a scenario where it's you vs them/them against the world and if he does need support with ending the relationship then he's not going to see you as the person who can give him that.

My first inclination would be to give the benefit of the doubt. Does she not usually drink? Did she drink a lot more than usual or over a longer period? Was she drinking on a empty stomach? Was she on any medications that could have interacted badly with the alcohol? Many of us have had bad experiences with alcohol in our youth when we hadn't yet learned our limits and tolerances so I'd be looking to that to begin with rather than instantly assuming she's a bad person.

Ask your son if everything is okay as she seemed quite drunk and you're a bit worried that she's feeling embarrassed about it. His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Copperoliverbear · 10/08/2023 23:41

I'd be talking to him and would go as far as to say to him, that he seriously needs to think about dumping her.

cloudydays97 · 10/08/2023 23:48

Copperoliverbear · 10/08/2023 23:41

I'd be talking to him and would go as far as to say to him, that he seriously needs to think about dumping her.

Yeah cause having his mum tell him what to do in his relationship is really going to make him listen. I think this is a disastrous idea, it my opinion it puts him in an awkward position and would probably even push them closer together

Copperoliverbear · 10/08/2023 23:53

@cloudydays97 and my opinion is what I said i would do and I would and I am not going to change my mind

Original poster
StTropezTan · 11/08/2023 08:59

IamAlso4eels · 10/08/2023 23:21

I think the neutral approach suggested above is the best one.

If you go in with a hard line then your son is more likely to come to her defence and you push them into a scenario where it's you vs them/them against the world and if he does need support with ending the relationship then he's not going to see you as the person who can give him that.

My first inclination would be to give the benefit of the doubt. Does she not usually drink? Did she drink a lot more than usual or over a longer period? Was she drinking on a empty stomach? Was she on any medications that could have interacted badly with the alcohol? Many of us have had bad experiences with alcohol in our youth when we hadn't yet learned our limits and tolerances so I'd be looking to that to begin with rather than instantly assuming she's a bad person.

Ask your son if everything is okay as she seemed quite drunk and you're a bit worried that she's feeling embarrassed about it. His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Good one and well put - thank you.

Thats the dilemma - to me it seems so out of character. She’s been at our house many times and drunk alcohol in moderation and been absolutely lovely.
Outwardly, they seem so happy together so I will have to tread carefully when I speak to him as maybe it was a case of drinking too much from 1 pm until late evening!

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 09:04

No wonder she doesn't get drunk very often!
Crikey. I bet she had beer fear from hell the morning after.

If your son talks to you about stuff, he may well raise it with you anyway as I doubt he's feeling too happy about it. But if not I think the approach outlined above is best.

Original poster
StTropezTan · 14/08/2023 13:16

A quick update.

DS has been away for several days on a work trip so I’ve not personally had an opportunity to talk to him. However, he rang DD for advice as he and GF have been having some pretty (unrelated) harsh rows over the last few weeks and he’s considering the future of the relationship. DD used the call as chance to raise concerns about GFs behaviour at the wedding and he’s confided that, although she doesn’t drink a lot regularly, when she does, this sort of reaction is pretty typical so he’s experienced it several times before.

DD has told him that several people were witness to, and genuinely concerned about the situation and her treatment of him, but that whatever he decided to do, we would all be there to support him and not sit in judgment, although I’ll be honest, sadly my personal opinion of her has now been irretrievably altered. As before, she pointed out to him, if a man treated a woman like this, it would quite rightly be unacceptable and alcohol is no excuse.

At this stage, I’ve decided not to pile in and give my opinion as he clearly has doubts about the whole thing and I’d hate him to feel he was manoeuvred into ending the relationship because our ‘disapproval’
He’s returning home tomorrow to meet up with her discuss their future and luckily for them both, they don’t live together or share any assets should they decide to separate.

OP posts:
SpinalFap12 · 14/08/2023 13:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

senua · 14/08/2023 13:32

However, he rang DD for advice
That's good and bad news. On the one hand, he knows that the relationship is not in an ideal place and is thinking of breaking up. On the other hand, his first port of call was DD and not you: maybe you need to be the one to get the ball rolling and initiate the (non judgemental) conversation.
But it sounds hopeful.

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