To man up? And how?

[Duke4]

Context is I’ve always cried easily; when I’m angry, frustrated, tired I cry. You get the picture.
I’m a few months into a new job and hate it. I’m out of my depth currently feel isolated as it’s a largely WFH position. My boss and senior team member are pretty horrific (“I tell it like it is, you’ll get used to me, I’ve a heart of gold really”). I’m crying daily right now and am looking for a solution. It’s the public humiliation largely in Teams calls where they aggressively point fingers and accuse. Sometimes I hold my hands up but today I held firm and senior team member begrudgingly apologised.

But I always dissolve in tears, usually I can hold it in until after the meeting. I guess this is BU. How the fk do I stop? I’ll definitely concede to being a sensitive person but in this hostile environment where I’m new and out of my comfort zone, I’d at least like to hold it together. I’d love a relaxed but professional attitude. Any tips?

Sounds like you need to move jobs to a one with nicer more supportive colleagues.

Get out and find something else. You should not put yourself through this. They sound arseholes, I despise the sort of person who says ‘I tell it like it is’. Look for something else and leave.

In the meantime don’t ‘man up’ necessarily but don’t care too much. Let it wash over you. Do your job, try and do it well, but let their comments go. I’ve had bosses that have talked to me shittily and I just think whilst they’re talking to me ‘you’re a dick, your breath smells, my life is so much better than yours’ whilst I nod along smiling. This is probably terrible advice but you know when something is right and something isn’t. This job isn’t right.

Sometimes I hold my hands up but today I held firm and senior team member begrudgingly apologised

Hold this in your mind! Today, you were fucking awesome and they had to back down. Just go quiet if you think you're about to cry, change the subject or dig your nails into your own flesh. I used to cry easily too, so I understand what it's like.

Oh don't man up, move on. Quitting and moving on is not losing, it's putting yourself in a better situation that will be a good part of your life.

It’s not you everyone would feel the same apart from those who enjoy sparring. It’s not the right culture for you, or a healthy one. I’d be looking for something else.

Yes, this is exactly what I want to do! Not take their comments to heart. I guess it’s how I get there..

Thank you, this is good advice. Especially thinking of something else. As I tend to mull it over and then don’t hear anything else they’re telling me

Try to have a work persona where it’s just business and remove the feelings of “it’s personal “ it’s really hard if that’s how your brain is wired, especially if your neuro diverse it’s a known thing. And I’d look for a different job Longer term

Thanks for the replies. To those who have said move on: I’d love to, dearly. Problem is, I’ve been in post just a short while and the position before was only nine months, albeit because I was ready for something more senior, which this is. But not the right fit iyswim. I loved my last job. I’m introverted but love to be around friendly colleagues.

You don't need to 'man up'. You need to look for another job in which your colleagues aren't total cunts. They're the problem here, not you.

It doesn't sound as if you're an over-sensitive person, just someone whose tears come easily. You don't cry because you are more upset than the average person would be, just because your physical crying reflex is triggered easily! I'm not sure that's something you can really control.

FWIW I almost never cry, but even though there might not be tears, I would feel much the same as you about the way your colleagues behave.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd#:~:text=Rejection%20sensitive%20dysphoria%20(RSD)%20is,to%20differences%20in%20brain%20structure.

It's not you it's them so move on but if you want to do your short term contract to the end then zone out when they shout or mute them.

Yes. Oh I cry in my personal life too, if I argue with DH I cry through frustration 😂 It’s who I am, I get that, I just find it objectionable and potentially an obstacle to professional advancement. The taking it personally is key, I’m a people-pleaser and criticism = they don’t like me. Though I suspect there may be some gaslighting here as I’m certain they didn’t give me the instructions they claimed to. This isn’t the first time either, goal posts are always being changed and the ask is ill defined.

Kind words also make me cry it seems 😂
This is it, I don’t want the unacceptable to become acceptable ie because colleagues repeatedly announce their tough exterior/tell it like it is, my reaction is sub standard. I loathe brow beating and am dreading my boss returning from AL next week because she’ll be on the war path as I’ve not completed a task