Do your kids see you get angry?

[soreheadedbear]

Ds11 made a comment to dh about mum having 'anger issues' and it's upset me a bit. With two dc (one a toddler) and working and housework and all the other responsibilities I do get stressed a lot and im wondering if im turning into an angry person. I don't shout or throw things or anything like that. I do get irritable and can get that edge to my voice when I'm asking for the sixth time for something to be done. And I probably mutter ffs under my breath a bit too often too.

It doesn't help that ds is quite immature for his age. He needs telling to do everything and is often so engrossed in his book, phone, game whatever that I have to repeat myself several times. This is especially annoying in the mornings when we're trying to get out of the door and he just isn't listening. So yeah in situations like that I guess I do snap and get pissed off.

Similarly I can ask him to do something helpful (bring the washing in, take his plate to the kitchen) and sometimes not always get met with attitude, typical tween behaviour I know. But it does piss me off because he gets a lot of time and money spent on him and I don't think a few chores is unreasonable. Even then I don't shout or slam doors or carry on like a maniac though. I guess I just get visibly annoyed.

Do I need to be more patient and conceal my irritation better? Or is it normal for kids to sometimes see you lose your shit a bit when they are being arseholes? Dh often is the saintly calm one on the sidelines but that's probably because he doesn't have the entire mental load on him all the time.

He is not exactly a reliable witness is he? I lost my temper with my four year old and I'm usually very patient. We're not programmed to be constantly placid and gentle. If you recognised you get stressed then maybe that's something to consider but your child needs speaking with. Other people could seriously get the wrong end of the stick.

I am recognising it more and more. Obviously having a toddler too has increased my stress levels somewhat over the past few years.

But life is stressful, especially with little help and attitude when you ask for help. I over compensate a bit with my eldest as he's from a previous marriage and isn't always with us so when he's home I have been guilty of pampering him a bit and it's done me no favours. Anger issues hurt me though. I know he doesn't mean it literally but I'm sad that he sees me as an angry figure when I try to do so much for him.

Yes, sometimes. I think it's normal and even healthy for kids to see a full range of human behaviour in a safe setting where you can put it into context. So if I get angry at DD1, I will take time after to apologise if I was too harsh and explain why I was angry, whether it was because I was scared she would get hurt or because I was worried that we would miss an appointment, whatever, and how we can prevent whatever unpleasant scenario happened from happening again. Some days I am irritable for various reasons and recognise that later in the day and make sure I apologise for it.

Rupture and repair is what I try and live by. There are always going to be ruptures, but it's how you repair them that matters.

Yes I think kids should see the good, the bad and the ugly. As long as they are safe and loved (and not burdened with supporting their parents emotionally), then it's fine.

We have a 'thinking step' at our house so I might actually put myself on it and chat with my boy about me losing my temper. Might be worth a try and yes, I know it's a teen but hey ho.

You sound exactly like me! I think that kids need to know that if someone is asking them to do something for the sixth time they are probably going to be annoyed.

Your approach sounds fine to me OP. I'm the same - I don't shout but you can't be Pollyanna all the time. I don't think you have 'anger issues'!

He's an 11 year old being whingy and over-dramatic. I wouldn't worry.

Yes it's fine to let kids see you angry so long as its not abusive or frightening levels of anger.

I think your DS is old enough to understand that his actions (or lack of) cause emotional distress to others. Obviously your anger and frustration is not all because of him, and he shouldn't think that it is. But you've given examples here of his (normal but not ideal) behaviour that gets on your wick.

If he's saying "Mum has an anger issue" he needs sitting down and telling firstly that he has a role to play in contributing to your stress. And that he is old enough to take more responsibility for himself and to contribute to the functioning of the household.

And secondly that the specific phrase he's using doesn't make him sound grown up or clever. That it's a loaded phrase which is not appropriate to how you've described your anger. And makes you feel inappropriate guilt.

Like you say he's immature, but he's not going to grow up without a gentle and loving kick up the back side.