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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this manipulation or am I overthinking?

32 replies

Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 09:59

Genuine question as I am prone to overthinking at times.
My bf of 6 months has revealed something about himself to me and asked me to keep it secret as it would change how people view him. It’s nothing criminal but more mental health related (he isn’t suicidal).

I am now feeling a bit lost because I don’t really know how to deal with this and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I also don’t want to betray his trust by telling someone else. I have mental health issues myself and I feel like a hypocrite because he had always been so supportive of me.

One the one hand I understand why he asked me to keep it secret. On the other hand I feel strange because he knows me really well, and he knows that I usually talk to people if I struggle with something, but now I am in this strange and isolated place.

I might be overthinking this, so please let me know if I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
LovelyJubbly12345 · 10/08/2023 10:02

Depends what it is really. Can you expand?

CurlewKate · 10/08/2023 10:07

Can you talk about it on here? Or can you tell him you're finding it difficult and ask if you can share it with one other trusted friend. Did he ask for confidentiality before or after he told you?

QWE96 · 10/08/2023 10:08

On the face of it, it's not manipulation- he's confided something to you that he doesn't want shared. It might be helpful to elaborate for more specific advice

Magneta · 10/08/2023 10:20

Poor chap being accused of being manipulative just for sharing something important to him. Tell him you're struggling with it, while respecting that this is mainly about him, not you. It might open up more conversation with him which can help you process it, or open up another avenue for you.

It's a demonstration of trust. He feels close to you.

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 10:23

He has a personality disorder (which I don’t judge him for because some of my closest friends have some too), but I think I’m feeling paranoid because his is often associated with manipulative behaviour. I feel shitty saying this because he has given me no reason to doubt his sincerity and I might just be paranoid/ overthinking.
He asked me to keep it secret after telling me

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 10/08/2023 10:24

How on earth is it manipulation for him to share private personal issues with you and ask you not to share it around??

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2023 10:24

Without context it’s impossible to say.

Eg telling you he’s depressed/has an eating disorder/is having counselling - not manipulative.

Telling you he’s doing immoral/illegal things owing to MH issues and asking you to collude - manipulative.

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 10:26

Magneta · 10/08/2023 10:20

Poor chap being accused of being manipulative just for sharing something important to him. Tell him you're struggling with it, while respecting that this is mainly about him, not you. It might open up more conversation with him which can help you process it, or open up another avenue for you.

It's a demonstration of trust. He feels close to you.

Thank you. I also feel that it’s really more of a me problem.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2023 10:26

I suppose it depends - Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Yes, I’d run.

yellowsmileyface · 10/08/2023 10:27

It he has bipolar or borderline personality disorder, both are burdened with very unfair and inaccurate reputations. Many people don't really understand these disorders. I certainly wouldn't jump to assuming he's manipulative because of it.

I think it would benefit you to do some research and try to get a better understanding of it.

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 11:33

It’s not borderline (which I am quite familiar with because I know 2 people with it and they talk about it openly).

Ok thank you. I’ll talk to him because I am clearly overthinking this all. I don’t want to betray his trust at all. Sometimes a bit of perspective is so helpful 😊

OP posts:
NEmama · 10/08/2023 11:44

It's good he has told you.
I'd wonder if it was hereditary when planning a future

ManateeFair · 10/08/2023 11:59

It's perfectly understandable and reasonable that he would rather keep his diagnosis private. There's nothing manipulative about that. Most people have things in their lives that they would share with some very close to them but wouldn't want other people to know about. That's normal.

If he is manipulative in other ways, or starts to use his mental health as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour, that's different of course. But simply saying 'I'd rather people didn't know because there's a stigma around it and I don't want people seeing me differently' is absolutely fine.

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 13:54

Thanks! I think it just to me by surprise (even though there were signs of it looking back). I don’t have the best radar and have been taken advantage of in the past but he hasn’t don’t anything to warrant judgment. This is on me

OP posts:
Backstreets · 10/08/2023 13:57

Unless it's something that actively hurts you/your relationship then he's not being unreasonable. It's very personal and intimate stuff, I'd hate for someone to chat about that with others if I had a diagnosis like that I confided in someone.

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 14:13

No I wasn’t going to tell someone from my circle of friends/ family. I’m just a bit overwhelmed and unreasonable :)

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/08/2023 14:44

Has he been diagnosed with this disorder. Is he on medication. How is it likely to affect your relationship?

saoirse31 · 10/08/2023 14:56

Sounds like he's telling you honestly how he feels. You can both have different views on things like letting people know re your health issues, and if you can both respect others view them there should be no issue.

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 15:26

I don’t know if he is on any medication. I didn’t ask 😳
He said that he was diagnosed years ago and that he used to be quite bad but that he has worked on it. Apparently he can have setbacks at times and will withdraw then. He said he didn’t want me to worry then if he says that he needs some time which is fair enough.

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 10/08/2023 15:30

This is not a good relationship for him. You wanting to spill anything he tells you and not respecting his right to privacy is really unfair to him. You can always talk to a therapist. There is zero reason to spill to family / friend / colleague circles. People in a relationship should be able to trust their partner to not share confidential medical information and given you are calling him manipulative for a completley normal act, this is the last thing he needs. You see him as manipulative and not worthy of basic respect - just what his fears were when telling you how others might see him.

CurlewKate · 10/08/2023 15:51

Just because someone has a mental health condition doesn't mean that the can't also be manipulative. And it is potentially manipulative to tell someone something significant and worrying and THEN tell them they have to keep it completely confidential. It's taking away her options.

MadKittenWoman · 10/08/2023 15:59

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2023 10:26

I suppose it depends - Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Yes, I’d run.

Definitely this!

Original poster
Yellowcatseye · 10/08/2023 16:47

I don’t want to tell anyone. I had just been taken aback and got worried when I read up on it and saw that they can be manipulative because I have had bad experiences in the past. All good now

OP posts:
Magneta · 10/08/2023 17:18

coming back to this I was maybe too dismissive... your update that the revelation was itself associated with manipulative personality traits does change things quite a lot. If that was there in your OP my apologies, I missed it - I thought you were saying that just the fact he'd shared something with you and asked you not to tell others was the manipulative thing.

I would encourage you to think in more "shades of grey" about this. There are scenarios in which it's fine, but keep listening to your gut. It's going off way more information than we can ever have.

TempName247 · 10/08/2023 18:17

You don’t have to continue a relationship with someone if they have issues or potential issues that could seriously impact you and your future. It sounds like you are feeling guilty for doubting the future of the relationship because he has mental health issues and we are taught to be supportive and kind. You will be always doubting his intentions and motivations, (is it him or the disorder) but it doesn’t really matter, you need to put yourself first and steer clear.