Family crisis, what to do?

[DontWorryMrsBird]

Don’t even know where to start, it’s long to avoid drip feeding. If you can’t read it all, the short version is my dad is completely incapable of managing and I don’t know how to support him and my mum anymore.

My dad is in his 80s, for as long as I’ve known him, he’s always had something wrong with him. His leg hurts, he’s hurt his hip, he’s had a headache for a week etc, he’s a complete hypochondriac and I don’t think I’ve ever asked how he is without a complaint about something being wrong. He’s also been on antidepressants my entire life. Over the last ten years, his mental health has really declined. I’m guessing it’s dementia, but he spends half his life at the GPs for his many ailments so I’m not sure how seriously they take him anymore (he has an appointment most weeks). It started with an obsession with bugs, he could see them and feel them on his skin constantly, he bought hundreds of hoovers, he scrubbed the carpets and rubbed his skin until it bled. Any mark he found anywhere on his body was evidence of bites. He would collect the ‘bugs’ in jars to show people and used to visit the local government offices regularly with his evidence. He was eventually diagnosed with dillusionary parasitosis but nothing can be done about it.

He had an operation a few years ago and refused to do any rehab so now can barely walk. My mother does everything around the house, including changing him and striping the sheets most nights as he is doubly incontinent. He is either in his chair or in his bed. He won’t even try to walk or do anything for himself. The only thing he does do, is play on his computer. He has online banking and regularly locks himself out. He likes to change electricity providers, supermarket deliveries, changes his tv package every few months which signs him up to hugely expensive package deals that I have to argue to get him out of (sky and virgin turned up to install on the same day once, he already had virgin so who knows what they were coming to do).
he refuses to consider moving or allowing any ‘old people’ aids in his house, so has to sit on a step and shuffle up or down (he can’t stand and climb the stairs). My mother lowers him onto the toilet And helps him into the shower where she’s placed a chair (won’t allow a proper seat to be installed). The problem is she won’t go against him, and he won’t allow any support at all. We arranged for carers to go in and offer support, but he refused to allow them to come back despite the fact they were helping my mum more than him.

I end up visiting multiple times a week because they need the help, but work/kids/life is making this exhausting for me. I wouldn’t mind if they would accept some changes that would make things easier, but he completely refuses, so she agrees with him. They have hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank, but he’s the only one who has access to the accounts and I’m worried he loses it or sends it to someone and forgets what he’s done with it. Some days he seems ok, some days he can’t even remember who he banks with. I considered removing/hiding his computer, but it felt wrong to do that. Especially since it’s the only thing he likes to do.

so, if you’ve managed to read all that, what do I do? I’m so tried and frustrated but can’t work out a way out of it at all. Can I force them to accept support or just watch him decline until he is forced into care against his wishes?

And yes speak to the Bank / if it’s a joint account with a simple mandate (either one to sign) you can get set up as a third party authority on just her behalf if she’ll let you as I think it’s unlikely your Dad would agree.

POA is absolutely the way to go long term but third party authority might be a good quick fix just to help set up any restrictions and flag to the bank they need support.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I’ll look into the power of attorney today, but I’m not sure he will have capacity or if that’s checked if/when we do it?
for those saying about my mum, she’s honestly enabling him. She is quite feisty and will stand up for herself, but just keeps saying that she won’t push him if he won’t accept the help. She would never agree to leave him for even a day, e never mind weeks. We’ve discussed if she needs an operation or something and had no choice and explained he would need to go into care, but he just blankly refuses to acknowledge it. I know it sounds like financial abuse, but she’s never been interested in that side of things. She has a card to spend money on and get money out, but has no interest in the banking or computer side of things. She has vague ideas of having money in different accounts, but my dad recently found an account with money in that he’d forgotten about and she didn’t know about. It’s just so stressful
for those saying let them get on with it, I get where you’re coming from, but I can’t just abandon my parents?

As an adult social worker, specialising in older adult support- if you contacted me, I would assess both parents if they consented. I would offer a package of care but sounds like this would likely be refused. I would, if I had reasons to doubt, assess the capacity of your father, and possibly your mother (to assess she understands the risks to her husband and herself of having insufficient care).

If they have capacity and refuse support, other than giving advice and letting them know what is available, I wouldn't be able to force anything on them.

What I would advise you, is to pull back. Which will be really hard for you. And if your dad or mum gets hurt, you'll feel really guilty. But it sounds as though they BOTH need to understand the severity of the situation. By enabling them through support you are providing you are delaying their realisation of needing external help.

Unfortunately I see loads of families like this, where support will only be accepted after a crisis, it's really sad.

With your mum and the money, have you asked her what she’d do if your dad needed to go into hospital for a few weeks? Or worse if he needed to go into a home and she didn’t know what you can afford, or how to access money for her own needs (like shopping, paying the electricity etc). It’s all very well not being interested but when your partner appears to be pretty ill and you might need to take over you can’t really afford the luxury of leaving it to them. She needs to know where the money is and either have power of attorney or it to be in a joint account to which she has access to, like passwords etc.

The fact you’ve said she’s feisty etc makes me think even more that you need to outline the risks to her and then back off. She needs to reach these conclusions herself but it sounds like she might be more inclined to push back if you force the issue.

Can your mum claim carers allowance? If she qualifies she could have it paid into an account in just her name, then if he looses all their joint money at least she would have some to fall back on.

We had a similar experience with my father - not the dementia side of things, but the refusal to install home aids.

We found installing them without his permission was the only way forward. He started using them immediately without complaint. A big help was a stairlift. We used a firm that installs refurbished used stairlifts and charge only a couple of hundred quid for installation then £50/month rental, which can be cancelled at any time.

You really need to stop helping them so much.
You have your own life which you should prioritise over their needs. This situation will make you ill eventually!
Your Fathers reluctance to accept help is out of your hands and your mother enabling his behaviour will ultimately impact her own health.
Unfortunately it will all end in a crisis at which point something drastic will have to happen.
Get POA for you mother and look after yourself.

It’s not abandoning your parents at all, nobody has suggested that but if you keep enabling the situation it won’t change
Up to you

Honestly, you can't do anything. Drop the rope. They are both adults. Your father sounds like he has dementia, but he has your mother helping (and enabling) him. You cannot force him/them to accept help. He needs full time professional care but your mother won't go against his wishes, so that's that.

Re a POA, that would help in terms of stopping him chucking money away and getting locked out of his account. But he has to have the capacity to set it up, but more to the point he has to agree to do it - given his usual behaviours it seems unlikely he'd hand over control to you.

Sometimes there really isn't anything you can do, and you have to accept that and let them get on with it. You aren't 'abandoning' them, they are refusing help.

You were very lucky. If I’d tried that with my dad he’d have ordered me out of his house - rightly, in my opinion. You can’t just take over other people’s lives without their consent.

Maybe. I would have said the same about my dad, but I was wrong. He ended up happy that he had more independence. The fallout from being wrong about putting in a stairlift would be an angry dad. The potential fallout from him falling down the stairs or onto my mother was worse and a quick way to lose all independence.

A slightly different tack, but could you possibly take some of the pressure off your mother by helping them outsource household tasks, as he won't entertain the idea of carers? A cleaner, a gardener, a laundry service, maybe Hello Fresh or Gousto or something like that? Those aren't 'old age' services, so might not upset him in the same way, and if your mum is okay with it, could be framed in terms of her needing the support now (conveniently not mentioning that the reason she needs it is because of the amount of care she's now doing for him).

Depending on their relationship, would he possibly accept some aids on the same basis, e.g., a proper shower chair would help because she's starting to find it hard to manage (helping him being the unsaid bit there)?

Thanks for the help. I visited today and mentioned getting a gardener and a cleaner to help ‘her’ so I’m hoping they both consider it. It wasn’t an outright no so that’s a good sign! I also like the idea of pre-made meals. We went out for lunch and she mentioned how nice it was to have someone else cook for her so that’s a lovely idea! The suggestion of a POA went down like a lead balloon, but I’ll keep trying. Turns out you can get medical ones and financial ones etc so maybe a bit at a time might help!

Fingers crossed they come round to the idea of the cleaner, etc.

For the POA, you might need to give it a little break first, but could you conveniently be doing/updating POAs with your husband/partner/whoever you'd want to have it 'just in case' and they might like to do the same? Then it's 'being responsible' rather than an 'old age' thing.