I have been a long time lurker but today I just feel like I want to post this to get this off my chest as I have noone really in RL.
I'm a single mum 4 dc. The past year has been hell, my dp took a bad mental health breakdown which resulted in being putting in a mental health facility for 10 weeks. The stress was unbelievable he was hell bent on taking his own life, with an attempt and at one stage a missing person. I do honestly believe it has caused me ptsd from the trauma this caused me at the time.
Moving on when he eventually did come home I had hoped that things would change and we could try to repair our family and help him get better and move on with life. It didn't ,it got worse to the point he couldnt stand me being in the house , on a Friday afternoon it came to blows and he told me to get out, there was nothing I could do he owns the house and I was sent packing with black bags and kids in toe. Luckily I have a friend who took us in and I stayed there until we got a house. I had to start moving in on boxing day on my own just feeling like I wanted to die and so overwhelmed with everything.
We got past that brutal stage and I eventually started trying to get into a new way of life, heartbroken and sad about the nice life, house and family we had. We are living in a not so good area now, and I never seem to have any spare money to try and decorate my home so I'm just trying my best and doing bits when I can but it is soul destroying I feel like I am carrying this huge guilt that my kids dosent have the best.
I had been attending therapy up until the summer holidays but I had to stop due to no childcare , I literally have not one single person in my family to help me or give me a break , the time when I needed them most they watched me struggle and did nothing.
My kids see their father maybe 4 hours a week , he dosent take them on his own I am always there , he says he cant cope on his own so that's the situation I am left in. I have no family to help, no friends to help and I can't rely on him. This past 4 days I am ashamed to say I have stayed mostly in my room , I make sure the kids are fed and happy and I disappear back to room (they arnt small dc so can amuse themselves) I am so teary and down and feel totally empty like I have nothing left in me, I find it very difficult to accept this is my life now until they are the age and I am on my own carrying the full load because I can't put any load onto him as he can't deal with it.
I dont even know what I want people to say , I have been on medication to help with moods before and I really dont want to go back down that route again , I can't do therapy as the kids is off and I can't even have an hour to myself , so so lost in life I have lost total motivation I can't believe my life has turned out to be this way and to feel so alone and have such a load to carry on my own.
AIBU to feel like this and should I give myself a shake and be grateful for my roof over our head and healthy dc.