DP & I are going through the motions but I’m not exactly helping either of us with my own attitude and behaviour. We dated for three months before becoming official at I professed the L word too quickly as I was head over heels. I thought things were progressing slowly but in hindsight we arguably rushed into things.
DP & I have split twice because I was irrational and too emotional. The first incident was my own over reaction regarding a lie I caught him out on while we were first dating non exclusively. One of our most recent splits was THIS Monday and I can’t really grasp why I did it other than not feeling the most confident or secure about our relationship despite DP giving me no reason to suggest otherwise. The thing is I’ve never had a model relationship in my life to look up or aspire to and I feel this is a big cause of my own flaws that I should address in counselling.
My mind does somersaults when things are going so well that I’m then waiting for the MTV Punk’d cameras to appear that I end up creating an issue that doesn’t exist in my own head. It’s like I don’t want myself to feel happy?
DP decided to announce our split to family almost immediately and cancel his leave, and I have now jeopardised our holiday together in less than 14 days. DP said he understands I’m sorry but he needs time to think as I’ve acted irrationally twice now, and doesn’t want to rush into things either. The truth is, I don’t know if we are coming or going after this and I also don’t know where we stand regarding our holiday.
The thing is, I know my own childhood and lack of healthy relationships in my life are the root cause of our issues. I am hoping to return to counselling to finally address these and put the issues to bed, and learn coping mechanisms that will enable me to be less irrational and impulsive in the future. We’re both in the process of leaving really shitty jobs with toxic work environments and have a lot going on, but have a lot to look forward to together.
I really don’t want people to turn around and say heck you shouldn’t in a relationship & sort yourself out first because I am very in love with this man, and want to be the partner he deserves should we go forward from here.
AIBU to think I can be a better partner? How can I be a better partner? I already intend to go back to counselling but how can I show DP I am serious and won’t do this act (act irrational)? He finds it hard to believe despite wanting to because I’ve done this twice but this time it just hit hard where we both thought “feck, this is ultimately the end”… & I came running right back. Sure it’s not fair on I or DP, I admit I’m a fool for it & regret it but I just would hate for us to be done all the same.