Innocent online chit chat or should I worry? More WWYD I guess…

[blimeythatwasasurprise]

First time poster and can’t really discuss with anyone IRL so posting here for some perspective/help please!

My husband left his phone unlocked on the kitchen table with Instagram open, and I saw a DM notification pop up. It was from a woman I don’t know. To cut a long story short I stewed about this for a few days before deciding to snoop. He uses the same password for everything so gaining access to his Instagram account wasn’t exactly difficult!

It transpires my husband and this women have been chatting on Instagram for at least six months. It’s a little bit flirtatious from time to time, but nothing serious, more along the lines of what they’ve been up to, and reminiscing about how they were both really into the rave scene many years ago.

We’ve been relatively happily (or so I thought!) married for over 10 years, so this has caught me off guard. I still have access to his Instagram account, and the conversation between them is ongoing. So, my question is WWYD, keep snooping for a little while longer or just confront him now? Am I being naive in thinking this is just harmless chit chat?

This is awful. Yes, I think you know you’re being naive. Have you regularly messaged anyone like that for 6 months? I know I haven’t. I don’t message anyone like that. Sorry, OP, what a horrid shock - you deserve so much better

Also it’s probably not just Instagram.

Your reaction is the only one that matters. If it bothers you, tell him so. Others may not be bothered, but it’s irrelevant what others think because he married you.
what made you look ? Did you have suspicions?
Fwiw YANBU one the basis that you don’t seem to like it. You are his life partner and should matter,

Emotional affair … he’s courting something.

If it's the type of flirting he would say in front of you like your haircut suits you or you're dressed to the 9s or something that is ok for a male to say to his female friend then I wouldn't be bothered.
It depends on the flirty bits.

He is allowed online friends it just depends on how flirty.

Contrary to PP it doesn't sound that bad to me. There's nothing to indicate anythings happened or he wants anything to happen. I wouldn't be concerned if DH was chatting to someone. Maybe she's an old friend or someone he connected with over a love of rave music? I chat to someone on Facebook because of a shared interest. There's nothing in it.

There’s no reason for it to be ongoing and constant and it sounds like OP is already suspicious

more along the lines of what they’ve been up to, and reminiscing about how they were both really into the rave scene many years ago

This isn't flirtatious, it sounds just like a conversation. What would you confront him with? If my DH confronted me because he had snooped in my phone and seen that I'd chatted on and off with someone who I knew years ago, and I knew it was innocent, I wouldnt be happy. That's not to say this won't progress into something else, but if he's been chatting normal stuff for 6 months it might only ever be normal stuff.

I think PPs are over reacting a bit. You've mentioned that they talk about their time in the rave scene - there's a realistic and innocent reason for them to be chatting. As for "have you ever talked to anyone for six months online", erm yes? Some people do make online friends and acquaintances and maintain casual chats on social media messaging. If it bothers you, OP, surely you can talk to your DH about it - say you say a notif from someone, who is she?

How often

How flirty

Would be the thoughts I have

Completely agree.

Yes this.

It’s the sort of thing that could tip into an emotional affair so I see why you are concerned - but it’s not clear that it actually has.

I’m also not sure what you’d say to him about it if they are reminiscing about raves??

It depends what he's like otherwise I'd say. Does he generally chat with people through social media, male or female? Has he given you any other reason to be suspicious? He did leave his phone unlocked and unattended, which suggests he doesn't think it's anything to hide.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be concerned. The snooping isn't really healthy though, or okay. I think you need to talk to him and if your relationship is generally good, hopefully you can discuss it properly as grown ups. He may be remiscing and enjoy thinking about the past - it could be something you could both put some time into making new fun memories, for example. Just be honest about how you're feeling with him, otherwise you'll send yourself mad. And I'm sure the way he reacts will give you an indication of whether there's more to it. Ps - I would be prepared for him to be annoyed about you logging in to his account though. Know I wouldn't like that, even if the relationship was otherwise great

Thanks for your comments everyone. As expected it’s a mixed bag, but definitely some food for thought. It’s the first time I have ever snooped on him, he’s never done anything that would give me reason to before.

I will speak to him, if it’s entirely innocent then he has nothing to hide, and if not, then I’ll deal with that when and if it happens!

It transpires my husband and this women have been chatting on Instagram for at least six months.

That's the bit that bothers me. Six months and he's never once said anything to OP about it?

Is it someone he knows in real life or an online friend? I don't think I'd be happy about it but then the logical side of me also says it's ok to have friends with similar interests to chat to innocently. Doesn't sound 100% innocent though, that's the problem.