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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you include transport if you plan a birthday day out?

21 replies

spideronthewindowsill · 09/08/2023 15:33

My boyfriend got me two tickets to an event in London for my birthday, for both of us. We're about 2 hours away by car or a bit less by one direct train then tube. He doesn't drive, but I have my own car.

I asked him what the plan was for getting there, and he just shrugged and said he hadn't thought about it then told me I should buy train tickets.

AIBU to expect him to plan and pay for this, e.g. book train tickets or ask me to drive then pay for tube tickets?

OP posts:

CountessWindyBottom · 09/08/2023 15:54

It's a lovely gift. I wouldn't think twice about making my way there under my own steam. Are you under dire financial strain?

Original poster

spideronthewindowsill · 09/08/2023 16:01

I can afford to pay for our train tickets, so it's not really about the money. But if I had got him tickets to an event in London, I would have also organised how we'd get there.

Last year, he paid for a hotel in Scotland for us, but I then had to organise and pay for the flights up there for us both.

OP posts:

Pippa12 · 09/08/2023 16:05

Maybe you buy your own ticket but not both of your tickets? Otherwise, it’s likely you’ve paid just as much as he has for your own gift?

Menopausehaver · 09/08/2023 16:07

first scenario, I’d pay for my own train ticket and if going by car go halves on petrol.
second scenario I’d expect him to pay for the lot if was a present or go halves but also I’d expect to discuss holiday finances before booking.

LittleOwl153 · 09/08/2023 18:37

I'd be annoyed by this. He has done the low effort high impact bit... he's taking you to the concert...

You are left with the work of figuring out the transport and paying for it - and for both of you likely to be heading towards price of tickets.

I'd be telling him he needs to sort and leaving him to it. Don't get lumbered with the additional work.

Whataretheodds · 09/08/2023 18:38

I'd be tempted to take someone else.

It is poor that he's assumed you'll get the two of you there.

wlana · 09/08/2023 18:43

Is he young?

or generally disorganised or incompetent?

CharlotteFlax · 09/08/2023 18:47

Tell him you want to have a drink as it's your birthday treat so won't be driving and can he book the train tickets please?

FinallyHere · 09/08/2023 19:33

Whataretheodds · 09/08/2023 18:38

I'd be tempted to take someone else.

It is poor that he's assumed you'll get the two of you there.

This.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/08/2023 20:46

Um... No.

A gift that then requires me to spend lots of money is not really a gift in my book.

I would (variously), buy my own train ticket but not his. Or... take someone else, not him.

Clefable · 09/08/2023 20:52

I don't think it's much of a gift if the recipient then has to spend a fair amount of money and make all the arrangements to do it, unless it has been discussed prior.

UsingChangeofName · 09/08/2023 22:11

It depends a bit.
If this was something I'd really wanted to see, then I'd just be thrilled he'd managed to get the tickets and then say "Right, what shall we do about travel?" and take it from there.

If, OTOH, he'd booked something that could be done / seen nearer, or just booked something that would be 'nice' but nothing I was desperate to see, I'd ask him what he was planning to do to make this a practical proposition.

Depends as well on if you generally both travel about a lot for weekends away, or if this is going to be complicated with things like child care.

idontknow54789 · 09/08/2023 22:22

Something really sought after, hard to get etc. then fine, he's put in effort. Normal theatre tickets then yeah this would really annoy me - personally I'd say thanks for the tickets and choose a friend to go with. I also hate when people buy 'experience' vouchers which involve me figuring out transport, time away from DCs, and a free weekend - to do something I haven't chosen to do. If he wants to go - he can arrange transport. Otherwise, take a friend.

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 09/08/2023 22:23

This wouldn’t bother me, I’d pay for my train ticket and the boyfriend pays for his.

MillicentBystandr · 09/08/2023 22:24

I think tickets to a show only a train ride away, no need to consider transport as part of gift, but when you get into needing to fly there then ot should be included.

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 09/08/2023 22:24

Why do you have to go with your boyfriend?

NewName122 · 09/08/2023 22:24

Yes he should have organised and paid for travel obviously. Not much of a gift if you have to pay to get there is it.

Curseofthenation · 09/08/2023 22:26

I agree with the others that said that they would just buy their own train ticket. Don't buy his!

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/08/2023 22:28

It sounds like he's gifting himself rather than you OP, in the guise of your birthday. And not for the first time if last year he bought a weekend away for you both. Notice how he benefits from your birthdays. He's gifting himself at the same time. What do you get him for his birthdays, do you do the same?

Original poster

spideronthewindowsill · 10/08/2023 22:47

Thanks for all the messages, everyone. I think he’s just a bit thoughtless rather than deliberately leaving the extra work to me.

I’ve sorted the train tickets, but the cost has now equalled the event ticket cost, so doesn’t feel like much of a gift. It’s something I asked for, that he would not want to do, but he said he wanted to come with me to see me enjoy it. It’s a bit of a girly thing, so I was surprised but pleased.

He always asks for physical stuff for his birthdays.

I think I need to be more specific if asking for an ‘experience’ or just ask for actual gifts.

OP posts:

10HailMarys · 10/08/2023 23:38

I don’t think he should necessarily have booked train tickets when he bought the event tickets, but I think maybe, upon giving you the gift, he should have said “I haven’t booked travel because I didn’t know if you’d want to drive or get the train - if you want to get the train I’ll sort train tickets”.

From your follow-up it sounds like he did make an effort to get you something you really wanted but that the travel element genuinely hadn’t occurred to him, so he sounds more like a bad planner than someone who’s tight or uncaring. I can see why you’re slightly irked though.

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