To think you can’t really stay friends after a break up?

[ChocBanana]

I have posted before, nothing has changed.

I’m in a miserable marriage, I’m bored of asking my DH to stop spending all day doing literally nothing. He does work, but that’s it, nothing around the house, no hobbies, no friends, nothing. He gets up, sits on the sofa, watches cooking and car programmes, goes to bed.

I’m tired of asking him to try giving up smoking, I’m bored of asking him to make decisions instead of relying on me to make them all. I’m tired of begging him to get help before either depression, smoking or weight literally kill him.

I don’t love him and I don’t enjoy his company, because he’s boring and argumentative. He says he loves me but doesn’t show it. Sex is obviously, non existent. I do my own thing now, I have hobbies, a social life. I tried having it with him, he’s not interested. So my choice was to be the same or to live my own life. I’m not actively seeking out an affair, but if the opportunity presents, I’ll take it.

My question is how do I leave without being the bad guy?
How is it possible to stay friends without being together if one of you has made the decision.

He has a former workmate he occasionally bumps into on because the workmate now works in our local Tesco.
When they were close friends, the mate (let’s call him Bob) was in a relationship that everyone else was envious of. They were solid, married for 20-odd years, two kids, Facebook full of gushing over each other.
They’ve split up - no-one else involved, both still each other’s best friend, apparently, just no longer together.
Then another friend of mine from uni has just posted to say the same - although her and her husband “are and always will be” the best of friends, they are “going our separate ways”.

How does that happen? Surely if you’re best friends, you can still be together?

I don’t know these people well enough to ask.

I’m trying to get my head round how to make myself feel and look less like the villain in all this when I have done nothing wrong, and that might be the solution.

For context, we have 2 kids, 9 and 14. They frequently get upset if I mention leaving, or him and from their point of view, if I don’t want to be with their dad, why did I choose him? They don’t see it like I do, and playing kids off their parents destroyed my family growing up, so I feel trapped.

Can anyone help me see the way out, please?

You don't need to be friends to co-parent. My partner and his ex do this amicably.

Marriage is not an alter you sacrifice your life on. Your DH is not modelling good behaviour either, your kids are learning he can do eff all apart from work and you do the rest.

Please OP pull the trigger but have the conversation with him about how to effectively co-parent.

Stop mentioning it to your kids. Sort out a plan and put it in action then tell them. They don't need the uncertainty.

You won't be friends with your partner after you split, you're not friends now, you don't actually like him. So let go of that idea. He might make you out to be the bad guy as it will suit him to look like a poor trod upon victim - so what? It doesn't matter. You only have one life to live.

You can only continue to be friends if you already are.

I could probably be friends with DH if, say, he came out as gay and we parted somewhat amicably. I wouldn't stay "friends" if he cheated because I wouldn't stay friends with anyone who betrayed my trust.

You do need to leave though. Life's too short.

You have to not give a monkey’s what “people” think! You’ve only got one life and it’s over too quickly. For reference, my ex started an online harassment campaign against me after we broke up, had to get formally warned by Police, his followers were lapping up his martyr-complex drama…they were nothing to me, so what! I just got on with living my best life. Oh, and your relationship with your children throughout their lives is yours, no one else’s, they will know regardless of others if you love them and do your best.
I’m incredibly happy nowadays, ignore all unpleasantness, stay off “friend” social media completely.
You need to focus on the important things.

It’s perfectly possible to stay friends, if you were friends to start with. Two of my good friends are (distant) exes. But you’re not friends with this man now. It’s not just that you don’t love him, you don’t like or respect him either, and you are only asking about remaining friends because you don’t want to ‘look like the bad guy’. Which is not a reason to stay friends. You can co-parent amicably without being friends.

In your shoes, I’d be asking myself why you’re so averse to looking like the bad guy? In whose eyes? Why is it important?

Posters on here who were victims of domestic violence before they left recount having been viewed at the ‘bad guy’ by family and friends! It’s not something you can control.