To be this hurt and angry

[SpecificAIBUname]

NC for this but long time poster and contributor - I know how to get my laundry ‘darked on’ for example.

My question is if IABU to be this hurt and angry with DH and to ask what you would do.

One of my parents died a few days ago. I need to do all the executor stuff with my siblings. I am processing a complex grief reaction. My other parent has significant health problems that require lots of emotional support when I’m at home (they are divorced and in different areas).

We have two DC Primary age. We have a week long holiday planned inbetween now and when the funeral will be which we will go on as it’s a staycation - so I can travel to sort things if needed. Inbetween now and the holiday we had plans for DH relative and family to visit for two days - just before we go away. It was already quite a stressful idea as they will be with us whilst we pack for holiday (camping so more than just clothes and toiletries).

I said to DH that I was struggling with the idea of having visitors at that time. This is because it’s the only time I have between all the bereavement related practicalities and our trip away (with friends) when I could do with a quiet time to reflect, pack, cry etc.

DH is disappointed so the first time I asked he was quite irritated/terse. I felt hurt so asked for some space. I gave it some time - thinking that he’d reflect and see why I need that. I then asked to talk about it again the next day. He was the same. Trying to find solutions like them all going out for days so I could have time on my own. Told me DC would be disappointed. I said that they could go visit the relatives instead if he liked (no he didn’t want to do that because another relative would be there that he doesn’t like).

So then I had to travel away to do funeral sorting etc. Again, in texts, he said about how DC are disappointed.

I expressed my hurt and said he is making me feel guilty for asking for my needs to be prioritised. It became and angry text exchange with me very forcefully telling him that I’m hurt and my feelings are valid.

I’ve had no apology, no empathy or understanding. He has arranged to go and see relatives instead but it’s very clear he’s annoyed about it. I feel it’s ok for me to ask for a visitor free time due to circumstances. He’s arranged to go see them instead and they have been lovely and understanding about it.

Thanks if you got this far. I’ve changed some details so apologies if there are inconsistencies but it’s all very specific so very outing.

AIBU? Friends say not, but I’m grieving and they love me so are unlikely to challenge me.

Sorry for your loss. And sorry your dh isn't a very nice man. My exh showed his true colours when my dgm died.
Exh.

I've been the visitor in this scenario and completely understood the need for space. I think your request is completely normal and reasonable, not many people would feel uo to hosting shortly after the death of a parent. And even if you weren't being reasonable, it's a time when he should be cutting you women slack, not trying to pile on the guilt and emotional manipulation. Your kids can put up with a bit of disappointment

He's being unsupportive.

Yes it's disappointing. That's what happens when people are recently bereaved.

Sorry for your loss

The family/relatives can visit another time, can they not?

I'm sure it isn't a once in a lifetime visit, is it?

Your husband should be comforting you and supporting you but is acting callous, uncaring and unbothered that you are suffering.

No, you're not being unreasonable. Your husband is.

What's he like on your birthdays? Or any other times that are about you? Does everything in your relationship have to go the way he wants it or is it just when you're most in need of support?

So sorry for your loss.

From the way you tell it, your DH hasn't really got it - but he sort of did by saying that he could take the family away on days out, so I'd don't think he's a total bad guy here. His focus on the DC may also be trying to shield them from grief, both their own at losing a grandparent and yours. Seeing one of their parents grieving be scary for children. So while I don't thing your DH gets 10 out of 10 for empathy here, I wouldn't say he's being a jerk either.

FWIW, when we grieve we get angry about all sorts of things, much more so than we would normally, because we are displacing anger about our loss into "safe" things. Don't go blowing up your marriage or saying things you may later regret (particularly egged on by Mumsnet which is all too ready to declare all men selfish pigs). And texting is no way to discuss this stuff. Personally I'd drop the whole thing, and just thank DH for taking the kids away when he gets back and say the time helped you. He'll react far more positively to that.

Of course you're not BU. You're entitled to want a bit of space to grieve.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully your DH will realise that he is being unfair.

So sorry for your loss op 💐

In these circumstances, your dh’s relative and family should have been on the phone immediately offering to cancel their visit. Very poor manners from them that they haven’t done so (as far as you know) but maybe your dh is setting the agenda here? I agree it’s very poor behaviour on his part.

Is he normally this selfish? Does he step up in a crisis? Is he supportive day to day?

I really can't imagine my DH behaving like this, it's like he doesn't care at all about you distress, at a time when you would expect he should be making every effort to help you. I'm not sure of the history for why you find his side of the family hard work, but that really should be respected. Honestly it's reasonable to need a break even from your own children when you're grieving.

Agree with this.

Your DH and his family have very poor manners (putting it mildly) to be putting you in this position when you are grieving.

Thank you all. And thank you for the condolences.

Sounds like the verdict is that it’s a reasonable request. No one seems to be saying I should suck it up because the DC will miss out, or because he doesn’t want to visit them. I guess he doesn’t get to see them often because of Dcs school, distance and his rels busy life - but he could go any time on his own for a weekend.

He’s generally not a selfish person but if he feels hurt or hard done by and his ego gets in the way he can get very angry and dysregulated.

It’s a complex grief reaction for a few reasons so I look on the surface like I’m fine. But there is a lot of processing to do, alongside organising the funeral and probate within a complex family system with some emotionally toxic family members so lots to manage emotionally.

I don’t find his relatives hard work. They are lovely but they are not my attachment figures. One of them is lovely and very warm, but there is never a gap - no quiet. Big energy. With that and all the children, cooking, cleaning and packing (and following a few days of death related admin and planning with difficult to be around family members away from home) I just know I would start a busy holiday with friends, totally frazzled, and have no time to reflect. The funeral is then straight after we get back. It a lot.

He is doing child care and focusing on the kids, but he’s the main SAH parent so that’s not additional to working full time.

He has cancelled (took three or four days from my request) and I’ve had lovely messages from his rels not to worry about it, but as far as I know, he’s still pissed off about it. I’ve had nothing but terse practicalities texts re my other parent and their needs.

I did get over angry in my texts and that was partly my own grief coming out. I wasn’t rude or abusive. Just very forthright that my feelings are hurt. Less considered than I might otherwise have been. The two conversations prior I didn’t feel or act angry until he did. And then I didn’t shout or blame him. Just said I was hurt and that by saying ‘what about the DC’ he was making me feel shit. I feel guilty enough about my absence and cancelling without him telling me. It feels really thoughtless.

I will leave it for now as far more pressing things but it is good to know my request was t unreasonable and that he is being quite thoughtless.

Oh, and I thought he’d message his rels straight away but he didn’t - I think they would have cancelled or offered too.

So the relatives are completely understanding and sympathetic to you, but your H still thinks you are being unreasonable? No, you are not.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the relatives would have felt uncomfortable visiting you anyway, as would any reasonable person! Was it them or your H who rearranged so they he went to visit them?

So sorry for your loss. Your DH is being unreasonable. You must be very hurt.

Thank you.

I suggested it when he initially expressed disappointment. I then suggested it again when he said ‘what about the children?’ But he doesn’t get on with one of the rels so was reluctant to visit. He’s since changed his mind and is taking them because they were ‘very disappointed’ when he told them we were cancelling.

m I’m not sure why but it looks like he’s changed his mind and isn’t going. I think because I told him that I wasn’t being selfish and was thinking about him and DC when I suggested they go without me despite this leaving me on my own. He’s taken that as me telling him he shouldn’t go - I think - but don’t know because he’s only texting me very terse practical messages and I was too exhausted to call last night. I can’t call during the day because DC would hear him getting angry - I’m pretty sure he will unless I apologise and am all loving. But TBH I feel so angry and hurt I don’t feel remotely capable of doing that at the moment.

I can’t call during the day because DC would hear him getting angry - I’m pretty sure he will unless I apologise and am all loving.

Do you normally find yourself changing your behaviour to avoid his @SpecificAIBUname ?

If I was due to visit family then heard of their bereavement (especially the loss of a parent!) - I would immediately cancel my visit, I wouldn’t dream of imposing on them whilst they were grieving and having to do all the arrangements that are required.
do the people due to visit have all the info about what has happened / how you are feeling?

So sorry for your loss and all of the complicated practical stuff you're having to shoulder. No you're NBU. He should have respected your request straight away at this time. This is both out of compassion for you and the guest who has shown that like most people, they would prefer not to add to your mental load at current and are more comfortable postponing. He should not have made this hard for you. Instead a normal aim would be to help simplify things for you and give you breathing space and support.

I would have expected the relative to offer to cancel too but don't read too much into this on their part. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do when someone is bereaved, they might've thought staying away was the wrong thing, or you'd appreciate the company or he might have reassured them without you knowing. This is your husband failing you unfortunately.

I would remind him in no uncertain terms that he only gets once chance to support you through the death of your [mother/ father]. This is it, it is happening now, this is the stuff your vows are made of. Either step up or fuck off.

I had to have a (more gentle) version of this conversation with my partner when I was on the cliff edge of a family death, thankfully it resonated with him and he quickly stepped up in a very big, practical way that helped my family enormously. How your partner supports you in a crisis is formative, important stuff that will come to define a relationship.

OP

Complete hypothetical here - could he be classified as a cock lodger by more cynical people?

You say he's a SAHP but also that he's got a busy life - is that with all his hobbies?
Do you find that you do most of the mental load / after hours childcare although you are also the breadwinner?

I'm sensing a very selfish feature about your husband.

Slightly off the topic but it sounds as if you are doing too much organising at the moment. When my mum died suddenly last year, for the first few weeks we just focused on sorting out the funeral and registering her death. This was mainly done online or over the phone as most places now accept emailed copies of the death certificate. I think we only had to go in person to the bank. I stopped up all her paperwork as soon as she died and took it back to my house to go through when I had more time.

We did not start looking at probate until after the funeral and we decided to use a solicitor to do it as mums estate was a bit complicated due to a rental property and several investments. Again, most contact with the solicitor was online or by recorded post, only went in once to verify my identity and sign papers. It took six months for probate to be granted once the forms were submitted.

Once probate was granted, we were then able to get the house ready for sale and found that nine months after mums death, we were much better emotionally to face clearing the house.

You might feel better able to cope if you did things one at a time, this will give you more time to grieve and to support your children as well. This should cut down on the long distance travelling.

You are focussing on this and giving it too much headspace because it’s easier to think about than everything else you have to cope with right now. That’s understandable and although your husband could be more sensitive and understanding, you need to make sure you keep this in proportion so it doesn’t do any real damage to your marriage.

Your request was reasonable, but so was your husbands disappointment for himself and for his children. The visit was important to him. Your need for some space is more important overall, but I think you’re being unreasonable to expect him to show no disappointment at all.

Thank you so much. Some really helpful advice.

He has cancelled and guests were very kind and understanding. He’s decided not to go to visit them. I have had a kind of apology for him getting angry about it. I have let it go, but it has left its mark.