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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"D"H

22 replies

PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:17

I know I'm being unreasonable but... I need a rant!

DH is driving me insane. He is sooooo bloody grumpy ALL the flipping time. He moans about his job (I don't remember a time when he has ever been happy with his job, or not facing redundancy, or not wondering what he wants to do with his life), he moans he's tired, he moans he's ill (he has had a bad cold bless him - but don't I hear about it), he stomps about with a face like thunder all the time. He never EVER smiles, he nags the children and never says anything fun or light hearted to them - it's always moaning at them.

I can't stand it anymore. The children hate him being so grumpy all the time. I do too.

What the hell...

I am a naturally happy person. I hate moaning. Ok, sometimes I say "I'm so tired" but I say it smiling! I work all hours of the day and night, do most of the childcare (Which in our house involves around 4 hours of driving every day for various DC activities) among other things. I frequently have to spend til 3am working writing reports for work deadlines. I just GET ON WITH IT. I'd happily give up my jobs tomorrow, move house, downsize, anything for an easier life
But since DH says 'no', I except it is what it is, and get on with it all with a smile on my face and ensuring me and the children have as much fun and cuddles as we can and just enjo what we have.

We have so much to be grateful for - we love each other (well, normally, but I not feeling the love tonight!!), have DC we adore, a holiday coming up. Why then the constant pessimism and grumpiness? I have suggested we move if it would make his job better, give him a better work life balance etc... But he says no. I've asked what I can do to support, what we can change - he says nothing. He never ever comes up with solutions, he rebuffs any ideas I put forward. And then he just continues the grump.

My view is - if you aren't happy, change it or get on with it. But I think he just likes being a grump.

Help!!! I can't stand being around this negativity anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:22

Anyone else have a 'D'H like this? I love him sooo much but this last week I've been thinking how nice it might be to divorce the moaning old grump...

OP posts:
xyz111 · 08/08/2023 21:31

Have you had a serious chat with him? Maybe approach it saying you're worried about him as he always seems grumpy all the time, what can we do to change it? And then depending on what he says, press on to say he's affecting the whole family. No one wants to live like that.

cheddercherry · 08/08/2023 21:36

Just to say I agree with you, it would drive me mad if my DH wouldn’t try and improve things or take on suggestions but simply moan. Life really is too short to be miserable.

Original poster
PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:37

xyz111 · 08/08/2023 21:31

Have you had a serious chat with him? Maybe approach it saying you're worried about him as he always seems grumpy all the time, what can we do to change it? And then depending on what he says, press on to say he's affecting the whole family. No one wants to live like that.

I do need to do this. Agree. Tonight though I can barely bring myself to look at him. Im trying to relax this evening as had a late night last night, early start this morning and will be up late tomoz working. But he stomps about all over the place it brings.me.down so much and I can't just enjoy my evening.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/08/2023 21:37

Could he be depressed ?
If he’s not prepared to make the changes, he doesn’t get to moan. You need to grey rock the bad behaviour.

Original poster
PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:42

cheddercherry · 08/08/2023 21:36

Just to say I agree with you, it would drive me mad if my DH wouldn’t try and improve things or take on suggestions but simply moan. Life really is too short to be miserable.

Exactly.

He just walked past coughing (loudly. Yes yes you have a cold. I know..) and said "sorry for being grumpy" which was nice. I said "look, I'll do anything for you. I'll move, I'll change things in the house. Whatever you like just ask. We either need to change things or you need to get on with it with a smile". He said thanks then stomped off to the shower. Pretty sure nothing will change though. Same old tomorrow I'm sure.

Why do.people.get like this? I would.hate to be so.miserable.and.grumpy..

OP posts:
xyz111 · 08/08/2023 21:44

How long has he been like this Op, compared to how long you've been together?

Original poster
PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:46

DustyLee123 · 08/08/2023 21:37

Could he be depressed ?
If he’s not prepared to make the changes, he doesn’t get to moan. You need to grey rock the bad behaviour.

I don't think he's depressed. I've asked him before. He says he's fine, just stressed because life is just hard. We work hard, his job is uncertain, we have DC, a dog, so much to always be doing etc... worrying about etc...

But most families have a lot to juggle I'd have thought.

We could make it easier on ourselves with some changes - but that involves him actually agreeing to make the changes. If you don't want to change, then stop moaning is my view.

OP posts:
Original poster
PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:50

xyz111 · 08/08/2023 21:44

How long has he been like this Op, compared to how long you've been together?

Well, if I'm honest with myself, he's always been a bit pessimistic and prone to stress. But in the early days we also had lots of fun, he'd smile, we'd enjoy being together etc...

Since we've had DC he just seems to see everything as a struggle, and it's getting worse and worse. Our lives have got progressively busier since DCs arrived in the world! so I can see the correlation between busy life and more gruml. But in that case, change it. Or at least be open to change or suggest something we could change...

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 08/08/2023 21:52

Don't offer any solutions or engage at all in the moodiness. Maybe just give him a kiss and say: I'm sure you will be fine. Stop wasting your energy on him. Even if he is depressed it's up to him to see a doctor or whatever it takes. Keep up your usual smiling personality and do stuff for yourself. If ye have too mulch driving with kids alongside work: cut it back as that level of driving is unsustainable.

Gerrataere · 08/08/2023 21:52

No it’s no fun being with a miser. I was, he was snappy at everything, little patience with the kids, could not take criticism, hated his job but when suggested he could look longterm at a career change acted like I told him to become a Elon Musk by the end of the week… anyway I’m single now 😂.

However this

I am a naturally happy person. I hate moaning. Ok, sometimes I say "I'm so tired" but I say it smiling!

Makes you sound a bit of a martyr to be honest. It’s very easy to go too far in the other direction. If someone told me they were so tired with a big grin I’d be worried they were having a bit of a breakdown to be honest. Is there a chance you’re both overcompensating for the other’s personality?

girljulian · 08/08/2023 21:54

Divorce him then, he sounds utterly joy-sapping.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/08/2023 21:56

Love him and leave him. Don’t actively stay with someone who only spreads misery and negativity.

Golightly133 · 08/08/2023 22:10

I know exactly what
you mean I look forward to picking my
dh up and think about how we will spend our evening. He gets off the train in a mood and rants about his day. We have talked about him changing jobs but I think he would be the same wherever he works. So now I work most evenings and just leave him to it. He moans at the dogs, the kids me. My kids are all busy with their lives and he tends to be home alone. You won’t change it as far as I can see it’s built in if I was you I would move on.

TeaKitten · 08/08/2023 22:14

Sounds like you might need to take your own advice to be honest, if you aren’t happy and neither are your kids, do something about it. Do you want this to be your life forever? Is it temporary him being so miserable or is this the rest of your life if you stay with him?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 22:19

You are basically living with Jack Dee and while he might be funny to watch for half an hour. Once every few months I can imagine he'd be a bloody nightmare to live with.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 08/08/2023 22:32

My dh can be like this too - in fact just tonight he has ramped it up a gear and managed to upset me and my daughter in one go. So l have told him until he can be a bit nicer to not talk to me and honestly it is so liberating not having to listen to his whinging and how hard his day was. But if l ever moan he just says yiu have jist got to get on with it!
I feel your pain op.

Golightly133 · 08/08/2023 22:37

It’s funny my family always compare him to Jack Dee in a haha kind of way but it’s exhausting to live with

Heywhatawobderfulkindofday · 08/08/2023 23:00

I left.
I have no time for people who moan but refuse to make changes.
Life is too short.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/08/2023 23:03

Stbxh does this. I'm in constant relentless pain and I get on with things, what else is there to do, I'd rather not be miserable while I have any choice in the matter. He's so stressed, he's had about 10 different roles in 6 different companies in the last 20 years and he's always working so hard and carrying the load and surrounded by incompetent people. He hates the commute, but.he will never do anything to try and change any of it.

Anything I've ever suggested job wise, change roles, work less, couldn't afford - we could, get a second car we couldn't afford a second car (we could), I've offered to share the family car 50/50 many times over the years, then it was too expensive to pay for parking, but still my fault he had the long commute because I had the car. I was happy to live on less and the kicker he's doing this for his family. I'm not sure who this family is because it's not me and our DC. The stress/depression was all my fault anyway because I don't support him enough.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/08/2023 23:40

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/08/2023 23:03

Stbxh does this. I'm in constant relentless pain and I get on with things, what else is there to do, I'd rather not be miserable while I have any choice in the matter. He's so stressed, he's had about 10 different roles in 6 different companies in the last 20 years and he's always working so hard and carrying the load and surrounded by incompetent people. He hates the commute, but.he will never do anything to try and change any of it.

Anything I've ever suggested job wise, change roles, work less, couldn't afford - we could, get a second car we couldn't afford a second car (we could), I've offered to share the family car 50/50 many times over the years, then it was too expensive to pay for parking, but still my fault he had the long commute because I had the car. I was happy to live on less and the kicker he's doing this for his family. I'm not sure who this family is because it's not me and our DC. The stress/depression was all my fault anyway because I don't support him enough.

Meant to add, I think some people are just like that, stbxh likes to whinge and blame. He doesn't feel he should ever have to change. It might ultimately come down to leave or put up with it. Stbxh would also never go to counselling, he doesn't believe in it. He's become more and grumpy and mean as the years have passed. He's turning into his father who's a grumpy old bastard.

cheddercherry · 09/08/2023 08:45

PomBearsAndTea · 08/08/2023 21:42

Exactly.

He just walked past coughing (loudly. Yes yes you have a cold. I know..) and said "sorry for being grumpy" which was nice. I said "look, I'll do anything for you. I'll move, I'll change things in the house. Whatever you like just ask. We either need to change things or you need to get on with it with a smile". He said thanks then stomped off to the shower. Pretty sure nothing will change though. Same old tomorrow I'm sure.

Why do.people.get like this? I would.hate to be so.miserable.and.grumpy..

Show quote history

I don’t get it either. I mean don’t get me wrong, life isn’t always filled with holidays and exciting events and big occasions to keep the mood up. But if someone isn’t willing to find even a bit of joy in the day to day then it makes it bloody hard work. Like go for a walk, have a movie night, cook something together. If he’s adamant his MH is fine and he’s kind of always been this way then unless he does change, nothing will change? It’s a rock and a hard place for you isn’t it. I’m conscious that when our little boy eventually grows up and leaves home that I still want to actually like my DH and enjoy our lives together, I really couldn’t deal with Mr. Miserable.

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