To feel guilty for wanting to confront MIL?

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So I have been in a relationship for several years and for the last few years I have started to really dislike MIL.

We live next door to her and FIL and she is constantly interfering in our lives and I have had enough and I am at breaking point with her.

I would often go round to help them out and would never even be offered a cup of tea and she would mention “oh look at the time” and make me feel most unwelcome so I stopped going round.

When I have had family round she will just assume she is invited even though my family dislike her and don’t really know her.

My family live 2 hours away and don’t visit often, on the last occasion she kept texting me asking me when my “visitors were leaving” which infuriated me and I have never invited anyone since as it just really stressed me out.

She will ask me why DP is never invited to my family functions ( it his his choice as he prefers not to see many people due to having anxiety ).

MIL and FIL have CCTV and watch who comes and goes.

As I work from home she will ask “what about all the electric? Who is paying for that again”? Me and DP pay half towards bills.

The latest incident is when she let herself into the the house & our bedroom too see if she could borrow my hearted curling wand.

Also since I don’t go round anymore she is always short tempered with me and makes nasty digs at me via text.

My SIL also has the same problem with her so it’s not just me. And the SIL before her had the same problem with her.

I really have had enough and every time I try to talk to DP about her appalling behaviour he will defend her and make excuses for her which I don’t think is acceptable.
He gets quite nasty every time I approach the subject.

The way she talks to people is disgusting and because of her age she thinks she can get away with it.

I am considering telling her how I feel as it’s making me feel quite bitter the fact that I can’t even say anything due to DP getting so worked up over it.

Would it unreasonable to confront her about her actions and tell her how I feel?

I have been good to her and FIL, did all there shopping in lockdown, I always used to help them but she was never grateful and was never appreciative.

You need to move house.

Change the locks and move house. Honestly, even if you get everything out in the open they will still probably overstep boundaries. She feels she can have a say in your relationship. And the move can be with or without your Dp. He should be putting you first not his family, so consider what that means to your future relationship with him. If you were my friend I would be telling you to end the relationship.

Why on earth did you move next door? If your Dp thought this was a great idea, that tells you what you need to know. You could always move back closer to your own family.

Move

And if dp doesn't have your back he can stay and play happy families with her

You've asked 2 conflicting questions so it's impossible to vote. You asked AIBU for feeling guilty (yes) and AIBU for confronting her (no, but you'll get nowhere as long as your husband makes excuses for her).

First priority - change your locks and DO NOT under any circumstances giver her a key.

Second priority - have a calm civil chat with your partner. Explain how all of this is impacting you and that for the sake of your sanity you are blocking MIL on all social media platforms. If she needs help or desperately needs to know when visitors are leaving - let him deal with it.

Third - defend your (perfectly reasonable) boundaries. If she knocks when visitors are there, “Sorry I can’t talk right now, I have visitors” then close door.

You do not have to deal with her. That’s your partners job.

I have actually been thinking of moving closer to my own family for a while now as I feel very isolated living here and have no family here.

DP was already living in the house when I moved in.

When I approach the subject of me moving to DP he gets very nasty, but I am looking at places to move in the next week as I am so miserable being here.

I think moving would be the best thing for you. If your DP doesn't stand up for you, how healthy is your relationship with him?

Move.

You say your DH gets nasty. How do you mean?

He starts shouting and says he has had enough of me saying things about his mum.

I am never disrespectful I just say she cannot be treating people like this.

Apparently because my SIL and me have spoken about how unpleasant she is we’re gagging up on her.

Then you decide if a horrible MIL and a husband who is nasty to you is a life you want. And if it's not, tell him that's it's moving together or you will move without him. And mean it.

My DH is normally lovely but after MIL died he suggested his dad moving in. I advised him he could live with one of us but not both and he should choose. He chose me.

A relationship where my partner got nasty when I tried to explain something that bothered me wouldn't be a relationship I'd put up with this bullshit for.

Why are you paying half of their bills?

If your partner is nasty and doesn’t even consider your feelings then you’ve really not got a reason to stay. It’s not a normal situation and you’re not unreasonable at all for finding her behaviour unacceptable.

I think you need to move. If he’s nasty can you leave him? I wouldn’t bother confronting her though as she’s not going to change it’ll just make her worse.

Spend your energy on making your escape plan from both of them. The apple obviously doesn’t fall far from the tree!