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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up of being bloody invisible??

19 replies

TheEverlovingFork · 08/08/2023 18:31

I don't know if this is a late-thirties thing or what ( and I don't think it is because I see women much older than me being chatted up all the time!) but I am completely invisible to men. Like, the invisible man level of invisible, it's like I have the harry potter cloak on. I go to events, museums, theatre, social club, church - I'm not completely appalling to look at (and I had multiple past relationships in my twenties, but again, they didn't happen because someone approached me), I don't dress in the most alluring way but I'm not dressed as a nun either, and multiple friends say I'm lovely and have a lovely face/smile/personality so...why is no one ever interested in me? I know you can't answer this, I'm just having a rant.

I get - marginally - more attention if I properly do myself up but I'm hardly going the full elizabeth taylor for bowling.

I don't know, just feeling a bit depressed this evening, I wonder so often what other women have that I don't. I tried OLD and it was just a series of disasters with men either wanting one thing, wanting me to be one of many things (aka 'I'm not really into monogamy as a concept' sprung at you over a turmeric latte), or not being into me even when it seemed there was a 'click'. I gave that headache up to try and meet someone 'naturally' and despite meeting men all the time and even liking some of them it's never mutual. I'm forever cursed to be a 'really great mate'.

Bleh.

OP posts:

michalwave · 08/08/2023 18:45

No advice, but I was the same. I was told I was the prettiest girl in school and I was often told I was beautiful but sadly I couldn’t convert the looks into dates. I am shy and some people have told me they thought I was stuck-up before they got to know me.

I married via OLD and ended up settling.

Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 20:03

Are there single men in the places you are spending time? In your 20s there are lots of similar age men who are single…there become fewer single men as you go up in age.

Honestly though with attraction I think a lot of it is personality based rather than looks. DO you do the chatting up ever?

Original poster

TheEverlovingFork · 08/08/2023 20:06

Honestly though with attraction I think a lot of it is personality based rather than looks. DO you do the chatting up ever?

I definitely do and have done and really that's how i've ended up in my relationships so far, but that in itself is pretty dispiriting - why is it always me doing the...doing??

OP posts:

Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 20:08

TheEverlovingFork · 08/08/2023 20:06

Honestly though with attraction I think a lot of it is personality based rather than looks. DO you do the chatting up ever?

I definitely do and have done and really that's how i've ended up in my relationships so far, but that in itself is pretty dispiriting - why is it always me doing the...doing??

I think that’s all you can do then. It’s quite hard isn’t it because finding someone you are compatible with who you like and likes you back is a big dose of luck I think.

Is it worth trying new groups and hobbies to widen your choices/social interaction?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 20:09

I think I could be invisible now in my 40s. Im not as slim as I was and am obviously older, not so bothered about my clothes etc (plus “presentation” standards seem to have risen dramatically since I was young!)

I’m not because I’m quite a forceful personality I guess - but yeah I don’t get men looking at me admiringly. They have to reply if I speak to them though! At work I’m quite senior so obviously that helps in that scenario.

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/08/2023 20:48

I'm 46, don't consider myself particularly gorgeous or anything, but men come on to me quite a lot. Not in the street, but men who know me.

And I am married!!

bladebladebla1 · 08/08/2023 22:16

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/08/2023 20:48

I'm 46, don't consider myself particularly gorgeous or anything, but men come on to me quite a lot. Not in the street, but men who know me.

And I am married!!

Very helpful response

Original poster

TheEverlovingFork · 09/08/2023 18:31

Yeah, I'm in the boat of not being particularly gorgeous or anything and no one looking twice at me!

but yeah I don’t get men looking at me admiringly. They have to reply if I speak to them though!

Haha yes I am like this at work too 'look mister you may think I look like a sack of king edwards but you have to acknowledge my existence now I've asked you something about excel' 😂

OP posts:

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 18:33

It’s annoying. Short of using a flirting coach (it’s a thing! Or it used to be..) I think you have to get back to OLD. It’s a numbers game..

BlastedPimples · 09/08/2023 18:34

I love being invisible.

Hivaluegirl · 09/08/2023 18:37

Well I'm not invisible to men. In fact I wish I was because I constantly get harrassed on the street and whenever I go out. Including I have two old pervert neighbours who stare me down and do everything to try to get my attention when I act like they are invisible

Be grateful you are

Summerhillsquare · 09/08/2023 18:47

I'm almost invisible now and ok with it, though I'm a good bit older than you. But - I am told - I have what can only be decribed as a stern look, or resting bitch face if you will! Strangely, I do get asked for help/directions etc, so I must look fairly competent, but not chatty or mad.

QueefQueen80s · 09/08/2023 18:49

I get more attention now I'm late 30s and see women much older getting attention.
Maybe it's because I've found my look and my confidence? I wear makeup every day and have a kinda glam look even though I wear jeans most days. I know who I am and walk confidently and smile a lot.
None of this is to attract men, it's a side effect though.
People go on about youth being everything but I looked awful in my teens and 20s, as did my friends. I did get more weird attention then from perverts who just liked "Young"

QueefQueen80s · 09/08/2023 18:52

@bladebladebla1 It is helpful because there's always an undertone on threads like this that women become unattractive as they age and all become invisible, the poster is just adding to the other ones saying it's not true.

Comedycook · 09/08/2023 18:52

I think the world is really different now. I don't actually think men chat women up any more. It's a dying art 😂. Online dating has made them incapable of chatting up a woman actually standing in front of them. The men twenty odd years ago had to initiate a conversation if they wanted a date/shag 😂...they don't now.

QueefQueen80s · 09/08/2023 18:53

Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 20:03

Are there single men in the places you are spending time? In your 20s there are lots of similar age men who are single…there become fewer single men as you go up in age.

Honestly though with attraction I think a lot of it is personality based rather than looks. DO you do the chatting up ever?

This is all true.. most people are single when younger.

Soveryunwell · 09/08/2023 19:00

People give off a vibe, I have MH issues and am on high alert all the time so I pick up on the vibe people give off, it’s a protection thing.

One thing I will say is that when I’m very unwell men approach me a lot as I’m vulnerable. I have talked about this at length with my therapist. People like confidence but you may give off a vibe that is so confident it sort of scares them off. My experiences with men until I met my DH were abusive so I do have a skewed perspective.

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/08/2023 20:05

I also think that men as a culture have fallen into a deep dark hole and many of them are totally fucked. They've either bought into the patriarchy completely and just want to use women, or they're paralysed and overwhelmed by the ways in which women are switched on and competent, and this too shy to approach them. In the middle are the men who can relate to women normally as human beings, but a lot of these are already married by the time you hit your mid 30s. I don't know what the answer is, I think you're doing everything right. Keep going to interest places where you're likely to meet people, don't be put off by someone divorced.

SashaPearce · 09/08/2023 21:09

TheEverlovingFork · 08/08/2023 20:06

Honestly though with attraction I think a lot of it is personality based rather than looks. DO you do the chatting up ever?

I definitely do and have done and really that's how i've ended up in my relationships so far, but that in itself is pretty dispiriting - why is it always me doing the...doing??

I think you should feel really great if you’re able to chat men up in a way that results in relationships. It’s very empowering as well because it means you know you have a track record of being able to go after someone you want and get them. I have a frustratingly long track record of only being able to attract men I’m not interested in! There’s clearly something about the way I behave when I am interested that puts them off. Not a great place to be. Honestly, your situation sounds much better. An attraction based on personality not looks is more likely to last, too.

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