Death of ex. Unexpected emotions .

[Nogg]

I am now middle aged and a single parent. I wfh so my life is quiet. I think I am peri menopausal also.
I am dreading going to sleep at the moment as I keep having dreams of ex boyfriends and lovers. I know that chapter is over for me as I am too old and a single parent as mentioned.
anyway I have been feeling melancholic. So googled some exs. I just found out someone I had an affair with has died at the age of 46. I have not seen him for 15 years but I feel overwhelmed by loss. For context he was married when I met him.
I was a youngish and single. He and his dad were fabulously wealthy business men and party people. They basically flew around the world on business trips dining in the finest restaurants partying in clubs and staying in hotels. I now remember how much I loved him
at the time even though I knew it was wrong and anyway I ended it on slightly bad terms because I felt guilty and new it was a impossible love and I needed to find my own relationship. Anyway now I feel so sad. Like all Those times in our thirties so full of life and energy. No one knows about the adventures scheduling flights in Brazil , eating on the roof in Sao paleo and sitting on mountain top spas.
drinking too much falling in hotel pools at midnight. No it’s like vanished and it just feels so sad. Like life just passes and everything is over. IT seems so sad some one so full of life is over.
just felt like writing it down.
Getting older is hard every time people die it’s like they take a bit of you with them.

I am sorry for your loss..

My first boyfriend died a year ago from a really rare cancer. I didn't have the same emotions as you (he contacted me when he was terminally ill to tell me I was the one who got away which I felt was a bit awful considering he was married with kids and his wife knew he felt like that as well which was even stranger) but even then, having been through illness myself, it made me think about the fact that there by the grace of God we go. Therefore, in your circumstances it's understandable that you feel the way you do.

I understand I had an ex commit sucide. Even though he was happily married it does fill you with sadness.

Sending an unmumsnet hug 🤗

Yabu.. He was a liar and a cheat.. Surely you grew up to expect more from a relationship op? Sounds all romantic wined and dined by a rich man. But his dw was sat awaiting his return..
My exh died last year. An abusive twat of the highest degree. That was a cause for joy....

If that's where you find joy I'd suggest therapy and healing lest it poison whatever time you have left on this earth.

You are never too old for a new relationship. Let this be a lesson in the fact that life is short - live it.

I work with illness and death so it’s not that I’m not aware. Normally I can compartmentalise.

I have lost friends before but this is the first lover. I’m not sure why it has hit me so hard. I’m just so melancholic for the past. For life’s loves that have passed now. It just feels so sad and obviously you never met but he was really kind and gentle despite flaws. they were such a force of life and now no more.

Emotions catch you off guard YANBU about that part but YABincrediblyU saying that being middle aged and a single parent mean you can no longer date!

My ex killed himself some years ago. We had been split up for 10 years and never kept in touch at all but I holidayed in his country about 2 months previous (I met him while I lived abroad) and we met for a coffee. He had been married and had a child, I was separated with a child - nothing happened. 2 months later he killed himself. His sister reached out and told me pretty much that had we stayed together all them years ago he may still be alive which was awful and very untrue. It is hard but it is a series of emotions you need to go through OP. It will get better x