To feel pissed off and hurt by this ‘friend’?

[Flowerhalo]

Made a new ‘mum friend’ a year ago. When we met we clicked straight away, we have so much in common (as said by her once) we never run out of conversation and always have a laugh etc.

Anyway, one thing she’s always been is a bit flaky, not responding to messages (that require a response, I.e what time are we meeting on Wednesday type thing) turning up 20 mins late when we meet
etc. However, the longer the friendship’s gone on, the flakier she’s become and it’s more than rude now.

She messaged me about a problem a couple of months back and I spent hours listening to her, consoling her, having phone calls in between meet ups about the problem etc.

For the first time in our friendship last week I messaged her with a ‘problem‘ i was upset about something and it was something that I knew she’d understand as we’ve spoken about it before, she read and completely ignored the message.

I had a busy few days so kinda forgot I’d messaged her and we said we would meet up this week with the children. I was hurt that she never even acknowledged my message but thought I’d be the bigger person and messaged her on Saturday to ask if she still wanted to do something with the kids this week and if so what day she wanted to meet, she said today. I said okay, let me know what time. Nothing, nadda, no response.

It’s now nearly 11am and I’ve not heard from her. Honestly, I know she is just a bit of a chaotic, scatty person but I don’t know whether I’ve just had enough of chasing her.

The sad thing is, we really do get on and I do really enjoy her company. Our husbands get along really well too and it’s just been a nice ‘easy’ friendship (apart from the flakiness) but I wouldn’t tolerate this from any of my other friends and I feel really torn.

Do I message her AGAIN asking if she still wants to meet today or do I just leave it? I’m annoyed as it my day off from work and I could’ve made other plans!

Why not tell her how you feel? That the way she behaves is upsetting?

I don't think you have anything to lose here, as you need to know if she's as much a friend to you as you are/have been to her.

You shouldn't let other people treat you with such disrespect, and she needs to understand that.

I'd move on from this as hard as it is.
And when she inevitably doesn't turn up today I'd send her a text and tell her that friendships are a two way street and you are hurt that she showed no inclination to be there when you needed her. I could have written this myself tbh and I've decided to just walk away from my said friendship.

I wouldn't message her again about plans for today, just do your own thing. If she texts layer just respond saying you hadn't heard from her so assumed it was off. I'm not sure messaging her about the personal issue she never acknowledged is going to achieve much- better to just fade out the friendship. She's clearly self absorbed and is throwing you the occasional crumb of friendship and you deserve more than that.

Yeh I’m not messaging her- like I said, I wouldn’t tolerate this from any other friend and have put up with it for far too long. I’m going to forget about it and go out with DC somewhere, if she messages too bad.

Trouble is, I think her reaction would be of the ‘hurt and upset’ category if she does message and I say sorry, I’ve made other plans and that will wind me up more!

I'd just back off a bit tbh and let her do the chasing. No one wants a 'your behaviour is upsetting' conversation a year into a friendship. Yes if you'd been pals years but it'd be a bit ott and intense.

Chaotic people just rely on others doing the arranging and chasing so leave her to it until the penny drops

I would leave it now too.

Unfortunately she's shown you who she is and having plenty in common/good conversation isn't going to compensate for that in terms of a true friendship. I would mentally move her to friendly acquaintance you enjoy the company of now and again but don't expect any real friendship from her.

I'm what some people might describe as a flaky friend, but I also have severe anxiety and other health conditions that can make it difficult for me to commit to plans. I often put off replying to texts until I'm certain that I can make it and often have to cancel last minute, even though I don't want to. Not all of my friends know about this, only those I am closest to (sometimes I will give a generic "I'm not well" excuse as it is easier than explaining everything else that's going on)...

What you see as "chaotic" and "scatty" could be something else in reality. It sounds like everything else about the friendship is good, so it's unlikely she is doing this because she is a generally rude person?

This seems a bit different though @user65754 . The OP messaged her for the first time with a problem of her own and was a bit upset - looking for some support (as she had given to this friend multiple times before). The friend read it and completely ignored it and the subsequent message. It’s not just about not keeping plans - it is ignoring an upset friend and not offering any support.

@HowToRedeem I understand, but there have been times when I have been struggling that I know I haven't been able to be there for friends as I would have liked to have been. I don't think OP is being unreasonable, but if the friendship is generally a good one then I would give the benefit of the doubt (but maybe take a step back from trying to arrange things and let the friend initiate)...

So I messaged another friend and we arranged to meet up at the local farm. Was on my way at 12.30 when other friend messaged and said ‘what shall we do today?’

I messaged back when I got there saying sorry but as I hadn’t heard back I assumed she’d made other plans so I did too, but she was welcome to join myself and other friend (who she doesn’t know) she read it and didn’t reply. So I’ve no doubt annoyed her and now I’m feeling anxious and guilty which is ridiculous as I doubt she’s felt an ounce of guilt or anxiety the whole time she‘s ignored me. I’ll be genuinely really sad if the friendship ends but I’ll leave the ball in her court as I’m fed up of chasing and feeling undervalued.

Leave the ball in her court op. It is hard because you enjoy her friendship. I have a couple of friends who are the same and I have taken a step back.
If she valves your friendship just as much as you do, then she will be intouch.
I hope you and your dc enjoyed the farm.

I would nip this in the bud asap. I had a friend like this for years and put up with it because we got on so well but ultimately when I did something that pissed her off she (basically cut our phone conversation short mid conversation because I thought my daughter was choking), she cut me off and ghosted me. I later fond out she had gone round telling me people that I had put the phone down on her and she couldnt tolerate that kind of rudeness. It really hurt me because she never spoke to me about her issue with me and she ghosted my calls and messages.
I started to resent the fact that I had put up with her flakiness, cancelling last minute, and lateness and just not seeming to care when I have a problem. She seems a bit self centred and you need to put your feelings out there and set up some boundaries because she certainly is putting herself first.

I had a cousin like this. Turns out she didn't commit herself incase a better offer came up.

Helped out an acquaintance in her shop for a year while she recovered from an illness. She's now recovered and I barely got a thank you from her. Am fed up! How do I get passed this. Thank you all