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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have abducted the neighbour's child?

52 replies

Rhubarb · 27/02/2008 21:20

Third time, third fecking time I offer to drop the little girl off after French class with my dd and no-one is there at home for her!

First time it happened, mum suggested that her dd could get in the house through the dog flap (she's 7). I gave her my mobile number and said if she was unable to be in next time, to give me a call and I'd keep her at mine.

Next time it happened the mum didn't get back for her for an hour and I had to keep her for tea.

This time, I just drove straight to my house and didn't bother calling her parents to ask where they were. There is either myself or another mum who takes her home, so she could have been with either of us. The mum doesn't know my telephone number or anything about me really. I thought about leaving a note attached to their door reading "I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER" but thought better of it.

Half an hour later the dad drives round in his 4x4, sends the older dd to knock at my door whilst he pulls up with his window wound down and mobile phone headpiece glued to his ear. "What time did you try our house?" he asked. "5.20-5.25" I reply.
"Oh I got back at 5.26, must have just missed you!"

I can only get satisfaction from knowing he must have had to call round to find out who had his dd and where I lived. DO THEY NOT CARE WHO THEIR DD IS WITH????

OP posts:
Emprexia · 27/02/2008 23:02

I should add.. there is a polish kid who lives opposite, he's 10 or 11... DH had to hold me back from reporting his parents after they left him locked out and on his doorstep for 4 hours after school.

I did invite him in, but he wouldn't come in the house.. so instead i just kept checking on him and told him if he needed anything to knock the door. I was so sad for him.

Heated · 27/02/2008 23:06

He probably just phoned MI5 and traced you or there's a tracking device on the child. You've now passed the MI5 induction, you're now their official undercover childminder but it's so secret it's not even been revealed to you yet.

The breaking and entering via the dog flap is part of her training.

controlfreakyagain · 27/02/2008 23:06

tell school what is going on for this little girl?
tell parents to their faces that this is not acceptable parenting / is dangerous?
grass them up to social services?
do nothing?
give little girl childline number (0800 1111)?

dippydeedoo · 28/02/2008 08:25

lucyellensmum - a carpenter is a skilled profession ,no shame in that hun besides Jesus' dad was a carpenter and look what happened to his son

Original poster
Rhubarb · 28/02/2008 09:24

School are aware but can nothing about what arrangements are made outside of school.

I've spoken to the other lady involved this morning, she has my number. We've both told the parents that we are not prepared to leave her in the house by herself, nor are we childminders. Apparently the mother is in hospital atm so that was the dad's excuse for being late last night. But that doesn't excuse the other 2 times and tbh, I would never let another parent take my child home unless I knew who they were and had spoken to them first.

I guess my priorities are not their priorities, and I figure I'm pretty liberal with my parenting!

Xenia - they are both professional with a variety of degrees and PhDs, but unfortunately that doesn't make you proficient in common sense. In fact I'd even go as far as to say that the higher one's intellect, the lower their common sense seems to be.

I'm not reporting it as they aren't purposely harming their child, even if she was left in the house for half an hour by herself, I still don't think that's a reportable offence. I've voiced my concerns and they know I'm not happy. Hopefully, because they had to make an effort to find out where their dd was last night, that will have woken them up a bit to making proper arrangements for her. Most nights she's in the after school club so I'm confident she's not left regularly by herself.

OP posts:
RedJools · 28/02/2008 09:33

What a shame for this wee girl, and how horrible that you ended up in the middle of it. I don't think I could abandon her now, if I were you- she might feel secure in the knowledge that you are there for her. I KNOW her parents are being twits, but maybe she will get the last laugh when she punts them off to that second-rate nursing home.. In the meantime, I would have words with them as far as possible, but I don't think I'd be able to relax wondering if anyone had come for that wee soul yet

And I am at Xenia- hoi, my dh is a clearance diver in the Royal Navy, its a bloody skilled and dangerous job! FWIW I'm a vet- do my top-class qualifications cancel out his lack of education?? Does that mean we are to be considered ok parents?

Nighbynight · 28/02/2008 10:23

Apart from the leaving alone thing, I'm shocked that a 7 year old is officially expected by her parents to crawl through the dog flap. dont they have any concept of dignity for their chidlren? is she expected to eat from the dog's bowl too?

Nighbynight · 28/02/2008 10:25

they have Phds and still drive a 4x4?

Cappuccino · 28/02/2008 10:26

hang on though

weren't you talking about leaving your own 7 year old alone in the house a while back?

Oliveoil · 28/02/2008 10:28

oh tbh I would scoop her up and look after her

but then I am a soft touch tbh

if the mum is in hospital maybe mention to the dad you helping out for a bit 'officially' iyswim until things are better?

I really wouldn't want the little girl to feel that you found her a pain as well

Nighbynight · 28/02/2008 10:29

Cappucino, I think the worrying thing here is that the child comes home at some unspecified time. The parents really dont know if she's home or not until they themselves get home.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 28/02/2008 10:32

My little sister has a friend whos mum is very similar.

She practically lives at my parents house after school and at weekends, never has to call to say where she is or if she's staying for dinner etc.

My parents took her on a weekend away with them, they arrived at her house and the mum was in bed, didn't even say goodbye. Sent her with a £2 coin for a whole weekend in Edinburgh!? And didn't call once to check how he was. She wasn't home when they got back and never called to thank my parents.

My parents didn't mind paying for her meals and entry tickets etc, but surely it would have been polite to ask?

It makes me really sad for the poor girl.

Cappuccino · 28/02/2008 10:34

yes but she said "We've both told the parents that we are not prepared to leave her in the house by herself"

I remember a thread by the OP a while back about giving her child a key and letting her come home from school by herself, and the OP was sure that her child was old enough and would be safe

why has she changed her mind now?

Podmog · 28/02/2008 10:37

Message withdrawn

Oliveoil · 28/02/2008 10:42

oh get a grip

social services fgs

I would chat to the dad and make an arrangement, say to him that it concers you that he does seem to be aware of where his child is etc etc

but I would NOT leave her alone in the house, no way

pamper her a bit

but like I say, any waifs and strays will search me out as I am soft

lucyellensmum · 28/02/2008 10:43

dippy, im not sure if what happened to Joseph's stepson was a good or bad thing . Mind you DP is DD1s stepfather, but thats where the analogy ends im afraid My refereince to him being "only" a carpenter was in reply to Xenia's response that uneducated parents must be shit parents. And i would imagine that he is an "only" to her.

I think Rhubarb is right, the higer the intellect the lower the common sense. I am testament to that, i have a PhD and NO common sense whatsoever. We did have a 4x4 once but DPs social concience over ruled my "but its high up and i can see the baa lambs in the field" reasoning. I have to admit that i was shit at all the organisational things of being a parent, DD always had the wrong PE kit, often forgot to send her with costumes for dress up etc. Im sure the school felt terribly sorry for her . I am now a SAHM to DD2 and despite not working, im still as disorganised.

I think this just highlights peoples priorities, some happily will leave the care of their children to others with little thought to if they are suitable or not. I am sure Rhubarb is, they got lucky. But i do think this is terribly sad for this little girl. If they are well off then surely they can pay for someone to be available for after school time if their jobs dictate erratic home times. Poor little girl must feel completely forgotten.

Podmog · 28/02/2008 10:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Rhubarb · 29/02/2008 19:31

Cappucino, yes you are perfectly right. I started a thread a while ago asking if it would be ok for dd to let herself in after school (5 metres down the road) for 20minutes until I got home as I had no-one else to look after her, despite asking all the parents in the school and our neighbours. In the end other mumsnetters persuaded me that it was not a good idea and I've managed to arrange for her to be collection from after school club, which charges £10 per session no matter how long they are in for.

My concern with this child is that I don't know where her parents are or how long they will be. I know my dd, but I don't know this one. And whilst I am happy to take responsibility for mine dd, I am not about to take any risks with someone else's child.

Oliveoil, I do know what you mean about wanting to scoop her up and I might sound selfish with this, but after work I just want to sit down with my feet up and a cup of tea, not look after someone else's dd and make sure they are provided for, as well as phone round trying to track down the absent parents so I can let them know where she is.

OP posts:
scottishmum007 · 29/02/2008 19:35

at least the dad came over to collect his daughter, there are some families that just don't care at all and leave their kids with anyone and don't hurry to find out where they are. could be alot worse. well done you for taking the girl under your wing for a bit until the parents got home.

smartiejake · 29/02/2008 20:17

They said she could go in through the cat flap?

Do they leave her food out in one of those timed bowls as well?

AitchTwoOh · 29/02/2008 20:23

that thing about the cat flap is sickening.
tbh i think it is different if a child is walking home from school and letting themselves in for half an hour rather than coming in after an extra-curricular class being dropped off by another adult.
let's say rhubarb kept her child off the class once, and the other woman was sick or something, who has responsibility for the cat flap waif then? it's not fair.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 29/02/2008 21:22

It was the dog flap

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 29/02/2008 21:48

oh well, that's fine then. don't know what all the fuss is about.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 29/02/2008 22:37

Yes I must profess, reading back, if it was a dog flap obv I should have let her crawl thru there and I am, actually, being unreasonable!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 29/02/2008 22:43

oh well, better AIBU luck next time.

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