To think my friend isn’t supervising her son enough?

[HelloGoodbye92]

Posted yesterday but then somehow managed to delete it!

My closest friend has a son who is autistic. His behaviour is becoming increasingly challenging for my friend to manage. He is 5 years old. She is a single parent which, be her own admission, is through choice. Dad was a friend who she had a one night stand with. He refused to have a relationship with her once she found out she was pregnant, so she refused to let him have any involvement with their son. She has support from her parents who live about 5 minutes away and babysit for her regularly.

I feel she isn’t supervising her son anywhere near as much as she should. While she can’t have eyes on the back of her head, and accidents happen, I do feel it’s constant in her case. Examples of this:

she will go and lie in the bath for up to an hour or go for naps while her son is awake and had free run of the house. While she is doing this, he has managed to smash a fish tank, get out the front door, get into the cleaning cupboard, wreck rooms (I don’t mean make a mess, I mean break furniture and put holes in the walls), raid the fridge (by this I mean eating raw meat and smashing eggs etc, not stealing a yoghurt).
She also allows him to play in her front garden while she sits in the house. She is sitting at the window but it takes her time to get out to him in an emergency. He has managed to get out of her gate and into the street. She lives beside a very busy main road.
This extends to days out where he has managed to run away in various settings. This has led to him getting into car parks on his own and staff having to bring him back as she hasn’t even realised he has left. He is also aggressive at time and violent towards other children but she will leave him unattended in places like softplay where he has hurt small children while unattended on the play frame.

I have brought this up with her, gently, several times. Her reasoning is that she is a single parent and can’t be expected to do everything, all of the time. That she gets overwhelmed. I understand feeling burnt out (our family is twice the size of a normal family and all the children are still very young). But I don’t think she can justifiably take risks the way that she does. She also admits she can’t physically keep up with him as she is very overweight.

AIBU to feel so uncomfortable with this?

Autism is a genetic condition. Do you think that there's a chance that your friend is also neurodiverse so can't see the consequences of her decisions like having a bath for an hour?

Two things:

1. if the father wanted access no court would stop him. He’s not sought it so don’t make judgements about her but none on him for this reason.
2. She is putting her son in danger and given she’s not receptive to talking about it I’d report her to Social Services.

To be honest, it's worrying that you have to ask.

I'm pretty sure you were advised on your last thread to call SS?

It sounds like she needs some support! Have you researched and directed her to places that may be able to offer this is he officially diagnosed and school has something in place. They might be able to contact and put some home help in place too? I am just generalising and assuming but this isn't 'typical' autistic behaviour if you see what I mean
My uncle and sister are autistic bit haven't broken furniture or eaten raw foods. Mor have my friends with kids who have autism and all at varying degrees. Maybe there's a seperate behavioural problem at play instead/or alongside?

It is very difficult. She clearly needs more help. I am a parent to two with asd. When ds was little he was similarly full on and challenging to look after. There are some things I would not have done such as napping when he was awake and I supervised closely when out. I stayed next to him on play equipment etc. Doors nd gates should be locked so he can't get outside unsupervised. You do sound quite judgemental saying her situation is through choice. The dad is clearly not interested or he would have fought for access to his child. I also think that it is hard fir people to grasp just how much more parenting a child with asd needs and how exhausting this is. I would help her to seek support to make the house as safe as possible. Is there any support she could get with him? Van you help?

Neurodiversity does not make someone stupid

She sounds totally overwhelmed which is understandable. She needs help to get her DS into a safe place. As Cansu says, the house needs adaptations so he can't get out. I'd also say she needs some safe spaces, such as his bedroom and a downstairs room, where he can seek sensory stimulation without being in danger. Rooms like the kitchen need to be lockable so he can't go into them.

I think social care do need to be involved. She also needs autism specific help though. Is he at a special school?

He did initially go to court over this. She allowed him access when he was first born and would let him visit her home. Then stopped it when he got a girlfriend. It went to court then covid happened and it all came to a halt. Neither party followed this up post-covid and he set up payment via CMS rather then sending her money at this point. So yes, he could absolutely have tried harder to see his son.

I never got any responses in my last thread. I somehow managed to delete it.

I do wonder this. Even when it is explained to her, I think she struggles to take it on board.

He has an official diagnosis and I’m sure there were other factors noted like GDD. She has input from a children’s LD nurse team, social work etc. I think she would definitely benefit from more support and I think the services involved are looking into this as she has mentioned things like groups they have recommended. He is going to be attending a SEN school after summer.

This is actually similar behaviour to my autistic child. I've had an end table thrown and broken, and no raw meat eating (lock on kitchen door), but have to stop him trying to eat fag butts people drop in the local playgrounds.

Some autistic people become violent/destructive during meltdowns and/or have pica which makes them want to eat a) constantly and b) inappropriate things.

I accept I come across as judgemental. The whole scenario was awful at the time- he did go through courts etc and it fell to the wayside during covid then neither of them pursued it. But she was horrible to him at the time as he had got himself a girlfriend and made his life very difficult. She grew up without her dad as her mum made a similar decision (although she had a lovely step dad now) so I was surprised she would do the same to her sons father. Although, granted, he could absolutely have done more.
She does have input already from social work for other reasons but I don’t think they realise the extent to which she is struggling. I’m of very little use to her in terms of things like babysitting as I have a large family of young children and there is no way I could supervise him as much as he needs plus simultaneously look after my own kids. Her mum and step dad live a few minutes away and babysit for her a few times a week.

It can affect their ability to make decisions based on consequences though. My teenager would not be able to calculate risk accurately and consider all the possibilities/outcomes before making a decision. When he is a young adult I doubt this will have changed much and he will still need guidance.

He will be starting a SEN school next month. I agree she needs to make the house safer but I’m wondering how to convince her to seek support with this as she genuinely can’t see the issue.

I really feel for her ... and her son. It can't be easy
I also wonder if she could be depressed, as some of her behaviour sounds like that.

Is she depressed , does she need help or is she just lazy ? Going to bed and leaving any 5 year old is neglectful, especially as he can get out of the house and they live near a main road

I really think is must be incredibly overwhelming and I don’t want her to feel like I’m having a go. But there was an incident over the weekend where he made it out into the street again and neighbours have raised their concerns with her. I’d be unsurprised if they haven’t contacted social work over it.

She always maintains she isn’t depressed but I know there is every possibility she could be.

Sounds like she is definitely not supervising him enough based on his needs. She sounds overwhelmed and like she needs a break but is not doing so safely. If she needs a break she could maybe ask someone to watch him while she has a bath etc. but that would require her realising that what she is doing is unsafe. Sadly it could end up with something major happening before she realises this. I don't think this can come from you because by the sounds of it she doesn't listen or doesn't value your opinions. Maybe you could suggest training or seminars about autism to learn more about it and offer to go with her so you can support them both?

Sobe cause your uncle and sister are autistic and don't behave in this manner you think its not typical.autistic behaviour ?
Autism is a HUGE, SPECTRUM and if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism,my 13 year old severely autistic child smashed all my eggs yesterday and drew on his arm with lipstick he's as quick as lightening ,you cannot generalise .

I do feel sorry for your friend like there is something else going on there. BUT she is putting her son at huge risk IMO

Naps/ baths/ leaving him alone for all that time is not safe. As you said he has got out before.

If you aren't reporting dangerous situations then you are colluding in them. If the child is in genuine danger, the police need to be phoned. This will force her into support and put safeguarding measures in place.

You don’t have another choice, she needs reporting to social services. She can’t take care of her son.

You say on another thread you work alongside SW. What does your safeguarding training tell you?