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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend should keep her opinion to herself?

18 replies

Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 08:47

I separated from my long term relationship last year. We'd been together for over 20 years and the 2DC (now teens). There were ups and downs - lots of good things but a very challenging time over the past few years. My ex had an affair for a few years - which I didn't know about and when I did I ended my marriage. He behaved like a total knob - critical and cold to me, stopped making an effort, which I can see now was related to his affair (alongside difficult childhood - boarding school from primary school age, little love from dad etc), but obviously it made me feel like total crap and very confused. He now regrets it and the affair (and marriage) is over.

I recently saw a friend (friend 1)who I have known since DC were babies. She spent quite a bit of time telling me how about how a mutual friend (friend 2) (who I am not that close to) never liked my ex, thinks he's a bit lame/weak, that I'm too good for him etc friend 2 had indicated to friend 1 to pass this on and advising not to get back together.

It's horrible to think of having spent time with this person who was judging/criticising my ex/my life/my life choice. I also don't know why she thinks her opinion is that important given she doesn't know me or my ex that well, and it's got nothing to do with her life.

YANBU to feel upset by this and think friend 2 should keep her opinion to herself and friend 1 should not have passed this info on.

YABU she's entitled to share her opinion and was probably just trying to be helpful.

OP posts:
MaMaMeeAah · 08/08/2023 08:51

I think in a round about way they are saying you did the right thing
Sometimes we are blind to what's right under our nose
Hope you are OK @Emmaheather

ChurlishGreen · 08/08/2023 08:57

Of course you’re not unreasonable. Regardless of her intentions, which may absolutely have been good (trying to say you’re better than that, good decision to end things etc), it was clumsy. Anyone with a hint of emotional intelligence would grasp the potential for making a friend feel worse by revealing, entirely unnecessarily, that at least two of the OP’s friends, including one she’s not close to, have been gossiping about a longterm relationship she’s still understandably raw about. And having a friend pass on ‘advice’ from an acquaintance about not reconciling with an ex who was unfaithful would absolutely infuriate me!

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 08/08/2023 08:58

Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 08:47

I separated from my long term relationship last year. We'd been together for over 20 years and the 2DC (now teens). There were ups and downs - lots of good things but a very challenging time over the past few years. My ex had an affair for a few years - which I didn't know about and when I did I ended my marriage. He behaved like a total knob - critical and cold to me, stopped making an effort, which I can see now was related to his affair (alongside difficult childhood - boarding school from primary school age, little love from dad etc), but obviously it made me feel like total crap and very confused. He now regrets it and the affair (and marriage) is over.

I recently saw a friend (friend 1)who I have known since DC were babies. She spent quite a bit of time telling me how about how a mutual friend (friend 2) (who I am not that close to) never liked my ex, thinks he's a bit lame/weak, that I'm too good for him etc friend 2 had indicated to friend 1 to pass this on and advising not to get back together.

It's horrible to think of having spent time with this person who was judging/criticising my ex/my life/my life choice. I also don't know why she thinks her opinion is that important given she doesn't know me or my ex that well, and it's got nothing to do with her life.

YANBU to feel upset by this and think friend 2 should keep her opinion to herself and friend 1 should not have passed this info on.

YABU she's entitled to share her opinion and was probably just trying to be helpful.

It sounds like they were trying to be supportive, so I'd forgive them, but no YANBU for feeling they've gone about it in a rather tactless way. Effectively saying 'We've all been talking about you behind your back saying what an idiot you are for staying with that loser' probably isn't going to make you feel so good right now! It's all still raw, though, so just go easy on yourself.

Starlightstarbright2 · 08/08/2023 08:59

I also think they are trying to be supportive… they may well have thought he was a knob for a long time but didn’t share because it’s your relationship but now are supporting you . You can just say I would rather not talk about him. I can dislike someone I have met for 5 minutes.

CamelSilk · 08/08/2023 08:59

I think it was meant kindly OP. As in, we support you (rather than pity you) in splitting up with him.

WeWereInParis · 08/08/2023 09:00

I agree that they might have been trying to say that you did the right thing, but in a situation like this (where you've been together a long time) it's not helpful to say "ooh I never liked him!" It's a bit superior and condescending.

What response do they want? "Yes brilliant, you were right, yay you."

OnaHotTinRoofNow · 08/08/2023 09:00

Of course people have opinions on their friends partners. Most don’t share because it’s the friends choice and not their business. You have broken up now though and maybe she is worried you will get back together. I have shared my opinion once and my friend dumped me but her BF was abusive and as sad as it is I could not stand by and not say something.

MakeItRain · 08/08/2023 09:03

Loads of people told me they always thought my ex was horrible once we split up! It never occurred to me to be annoyed, because it just felt like they were so relieved we'd finally separated. I can see why you might be hurt but it's coming from a place of your friends supporting your decision and being happy for you I would imagine.

Original poster
Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 09:07

Sounds like the general consensus is that their intention was good.

My ex and I have a group of lovely mutually friends. They obviously think what he did was appalling but still like him and are his friend. They have supported us both. Although I know what my ex did was totally appalling, I don't think he is a totally terrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 09:14

MakeItRain · 08/08/2023 09:03

Loads of people told me they always thought my ex was horrible once we split up! It never occurred to me to be annoyed, because it just felt like they were so relieved we'd finally separated. I can see why you might be hurt but it's coming from a place of your friends supporting your decision and being happy for you I would imagine.

I'm glad it feels a positive split for you. For me it's still pretty devastating (for me, but also our family and friends) and doesn't feel like a relief. Friends and family were totally shocked and couldn't believe he had done this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 09:19

Thanks for your kind words. @PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain . Yes, I think it's the idea that they are talking about me behind my back and everything still feeling very raw/difficult.

@WeWereInParis condescending and superior are definitely tendencies of friend 2!

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 08/08/2023 09:40

It sounds to me as if they were actually trying to be supportive, reassuring you that you did the right thing in leaving your ex. But I can also see why you didn't find it at all helpful. I think your friends have been a bit misguided and clumsy in this, but that ultimately they're trying to support you.

Janieforever · 08/08/2023 10:34

Op do you still have feelings for him? Do you want to get back together? I’m not sure it sounds like it’s over for you, and possibly this is why you have taken so badly to it?

Original poster
Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 18:13

@ChurlishGreen That's totally how I feel!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmaheather · 08/08/2023 18:18

@Janieforever I do still have feelings for him and part of me would like to get back together but I am very uncertain that it's possible or a good idea. Regardless of whether we remain separated or try again, I don't think I spent 20+ years of my (largely happy) life married to a total idiot. I'm a bit annoyed that these friends do - and even more put out they thought it a good idea to tell me!

OP posts:
maddening · 08/08/2023 18:34

It is possible to not like partners of friends but you are nice to them and support your friend in their choices even if you don't think they are right for them - eg he may be a twat but she loves him so I will be nice and polite about him.

OwlBeGone · 08/08/2023 18:43

I think @Janieforever has it. I think you're mainly annoyed because you're considering getting back with your ex and you don't want to be judged. Of course feelings and life are complex but most people will declare men who cheat as arseholes because it seems what most ex-wives/partners want to hear. I think your irritation is a bit of a deflection and something to focus your ire on. I agree it was well-meant.

Janieforever · 08/08/2023 21:19

OwlBeGone · 08/08/2023 18:43

I think @Janieforever has it. I think you're mainly annoyed because you're considering getting back with your ex and you don't want to be judged. Of course feelings and life are complex but most people will declare men who cheat as arseholes because it seems what most ex-wives/partners want to hear. I think your irritation is a bit of a deflection and something to focus your ire on. I agree it was well-meant.

Yes, I thought that. Op, you’re pissed because you want to get back with him and feel embarrassed folks think that about him.

the man had an affair for years. He treated you like pure Shite. Their comments are not wrong. You’re angry at rhe wrong people, because you want to get back with this cheating loser, you’ve not wanted to hear it.

don’t shoot the messenger op. They spoke the truth.

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