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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned over friend

2 replies

HelloGoodbye92 · 07/08/2023 20:21

My lifelong best friend has a 5 year old DS who has autism. He is nonverbal and his behaviour can be quite challenging for her at times. She is a single parent- her own choice. Long story but essentially she was unhappy that her DS’s dad didn’t want a relationship (Dd was result of a one night stand with a friend). It went to court etc but all fell to the wayside during covid. She has some support from her parents.

Essentially, my friend can be quite lax about supervising her son. Examples of this:
she often lies in the bath for an hour or so while he is awake and left to roam the house. She also naps while he is awake. He has no awareness of danger and while she is in the bath/bed he has smashed a fish tank, got out the kitchen door, raided the fridge, trashed his room, got into the cleaning cupboard etc.
She also has left him unsupervised in places like the park where he has a manger to run away. He has got into car parks running away while she plays on her phone.
She lets him play unattended in her front garden despite him being able to run away (he has got out the gate on several occasions and she lives near a busy main road).
Her argument is that she is that she is a single parent and that she needs time to herself but she has a babysitter (her mum/dad) at least once a week and still gets nights out etc.
Ive tried to gentle rationalise that she needs to keep a closer eye on him but she says I’m essentially out of touch as I have a husband so I can’t understand (I also have a significantly larger family than most and all my kids are under 8 so I understand it’s challenging having to be on the ball all the time).
AIBU?

OP posts:
PineappleMint · 08/08/2023 00:20

If you are genuinely concerned for his safety and well-being and your friend is not listening to your concerns, you do need to report this situation. Your local council will have a number to call to discuss safeguarding concerns. Or you can call the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000. You can call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111 24/7. You can report to the 101 non emergency number. But if you have concerns and don’t take action and something happens to that little boy, that’s going to be awful. We all have a responsibility to be a voice for children who are not being treated well and kept safe and loved as they should be. It’s not about punishment or trying to get your friends son taken into care - it’s more about getting her the support she needs to be able to parent him safely. She sounds overwhelmed - and no wonder, even if she has some support and gets the occasional night out then being a single parent to a child who is non verbal, autistic and has challenging behaviour is a really tough situation. You have to make the call, but in your position I would be reporting my concerns and I would also be doing everything I could to help her find more support and respite. It sounds like she may really be struggling and if you are her best friend, she needs your help not your judgement. I appreciate you also have a lot to deal with but it’s not a competition as to who has the hardest life, which is how your post comes across in parts. What matters is this little boy and if he is genuinely not being kept safe, I don’t see you’ve got any choice.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 08/08/2023 00:30

PineappleMint · 08/08/2023 00:20

If you are genuinely concerned for his safety and well-being and your friend is not listening to your concerns, you do need to report this situation. Your local council will have a number to call to discuss safeguarding concerns. Or you can call the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000. You can call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111 24/7. You can report to the 101 non emergency number. But if you have concerns and don’t take action and something happens to that little boy, that’s going to be awful. We all have a responsibility to be a voice for children who are not being treated well and kept safe and loved as they should be. It’s not about punishment or trying to get your friends son taken into care - it’s more about getting her the support she needs to be able to parent him safely. She sounds overwhelmed - and no wonder, even if she has some support and gets the occasional night out then being a single parent to a child who is non verbal, autistic and has challenging behaviour is a really tough situation. You have to make the call, but in your position I would be reporting my concerns and I would also be doing everything I could to help her find more support and respite. It sounds like she may really be struggling and if you are her best friend, she needs your help not your judgement. I appreciate you also have a lot to deal with but it’s not a competition as to who has the hardest life, which is how your post comes across in parts. What matters is this little boy and if he is genuinely not being kept safe, I don’t see you’ve got any choice.

Amazing advice OP.

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