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AIBU?

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Original poster

Flatmate passive-aggressively moved all my stuff

20 replies

paprikaspice · 07/08/2023 18:09

I live with another girl, and I wouldn’t say we’re friends but we get on well enough.

When we moved in, she had previously lived alone and had LOADS of kitchen stuff. I barely had anything; I went to buy some and she told me not to bother, we can share.

Today, she texted me saying that she’s getting annoyed because she will get things out of the cupboard and they’re still dirty, and it’s annoying her because it’s me not washing up properly. Bearing in mind we use a dishwasher. She said
”I’ve decided to separate our stuff because I’m getting annoyed at finding them dirty in the cupboard. Hope you don’t mind.”

I come back from a shitty day at work and literally everything I own has been put into one cupboard. Basically saying that everything else is out of bounds for me.

I didn’t move into here, we rented it together at the same time. She honestly has made me so angry, acting like the boss. She even removed my sunflowers from the window sill. Everything in the front room is hers. Plus, she never leaves the flat, and has had the week off - she’s been in front of the TV all day and is still hogging it now.

Am I wrong to think that if she had a problem with the utensils, or I did leave it dirty by accident, to raise it with me first rather than passive aggressively arranging the kitchen?!

Im honestly seething

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 07/08/2023 18:13

If you're not sharing stuff, then you need half the available space, to put your own stuff which will now have to include duplicates of some things as she doesn't want you using hers.

I'd go buy these items and then just go in the kitchen and dump her stuff in half the cupboards and put your own in the other half... if she bitches point out you pay for HALF the flat, not just the bits she can do without.

LubaLuca · 07/08/2023 18:18

To be fair, she wasn't passive about it. She told you what the problem was and what she was doing to resolve it.

Claim a bit more space back in the kitchen, you should get half. Go and watch TV in the front room if you want to, and add some of your own items if you want to put your mark on that room.

HariboFantastics · 07/08/2023 18:22

This might be a daft question, but are you rinsing things quickly before loading the dish washer? It really helps get rid of marks like water stains, lip stick/gloss/balm marks around the edges, grease off plates. It seems like a step to miss because then you may as well do them by hand but it does help.

Flickersy · 07/08/2023 18:24

It doesn't matter if you use a dishwasher, stuff shouldn't be put away dirty. Check before you put things away and clean them if need be.

If it was my stuff that was constantly not being cleaned properly I'd be annoyed too.

You take half the storage space for yourself, she has half of it for herself. After that I would use your own things.

Firawla · 07/08/2023 18:26

If she wants separate stuff you will need half the available kitchen cupboards so explain that to her and ask if she wants to go back to what you were previously doing, or to split the cupboard space 50/50 because her just taking 90% of it is not an option

VinEtFromage · 07/08/2023 18:30

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/08/2023 18:13

If you're not sharing stuff, then you need half the available space, to put your own stuff which will now have to include duplicates of some things as she doesn't want you using hers.

I'd go buy these items and then just go in the kitchen and dump her stuff in half the cupboards and put your own in the other half... if she bitches point out you pay for HALF the flat, not just the bits she can do without.

What Widdlin said!

but first of all I'd ask her why she was accusing me of not doing the dishes properly when we have a dishwasher and what her problem really is??

if there's something you want to watch on the TV just tell her xyz is on at xyz time & you plan to watch it.

FelineGood76 · 07/08/2023 18:46

Had my fair share of arsehole flatmates.
I would get ready to go out shopping and just as you're leaving say that you are off to get some new kitchen equipment and utensils, and you need her to ensure your half of the cupboard space is empty for you returning so you can put your stuff away.
Go somewhere like Wilco or similar and pick up everything you need reasonably cheaply.
If she doesn't move her stuff, do it yourself when you get back, then if she complains, be all wide eyed and say this is what she asked you to do.
Put your own stuff in the living room. It sounds like she thinks this place is hers and you are her lodger.

Flickersy · 07/08/2023 18:50

VinEtFromage · 07/08/2023 18:30

What Widdlin said!

but first of all I'd ask her why she was accusing me of not doing the dishes properly when we have a dishwasher and what her problem really is??

if there's something you want to watch on the TV just tell her xyz is on at xyz time & you plan to watch it.

Show quote history

Dishwashers, especially ones in rentals which are often the cheapest available, are not perfect. In fact they are often shit.

When I was living in a shared house I was constantly having to clean cutlery, plates, bowls, mugs etc that had been put away - people just assumed it was clean because it had been through the (shit) dishwasher!

After a while, it grates.

JudgeRudy · 07/08/2023 18:52

I don't think she's being passive aggressive. She's spoken to you and essentially said she no longer wants to share her stuff. She believes you're not respecting her property. She doesn't really need to give a reason....she doesn't however get to dictate who has what draw/cupboard. It should be divided fairly but if for example she wants the cutlery drawer (and doesn't want your bits in it) then she also gets the cupboard at the end with the broken door. She can't cherry pick.
I can't really comment on the sunflower as I'm biased. Visually I can't stand them and they smell. If it's plastic it won't smell but it will look tacky!

7eleven · 07/08/2023 19:13

If you have been putting things away dirty, I’d apologise, say you’ll do better and can we go back to the way it was.

Much easier and cheaper than buying your own stuff.

PrinceHaz · 07/08/2023 19:19

Obviously don’t put things away dirty.
But that aside, she sounds annoying, a bit controlling and self-serving. I don’t think I could live with her, personally. Are you in the position to find somewhere else to live? I would move out in your situation. She’s not being fair to you and she’ll drain your energy over time.

PrinceHaz · 07/08/2023 19:20

She thinks you’re sharing her flat with her. She doesn’t see you as being on an equal footing as her.

itsmylife7 · 07/08/2023 19:21

Unfortunately you allowed her to take control of the whole flat.
If you say something it's not going to go down well with her.

If you don't say anything to her you're just going to get more angry.

She's very cheeky for taking over the whole flat though.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/08/2023 19:23

But that aside, she sounds annoying, a bit controlling and self-serving.
For sharing her kitchen equipment generously until OP proved she couldn't treat it respectfully?
OP you should have half the space in the flat, she is BU about that, but YABU to expect her to share her stuff when she's decided she doesn't want to anymore. It sounds like there's a lot more to this story than what's written in the OP and I'd be interested to hear her side.

VinEtFromage · 07/08/2023 22:33

Flickersy · 07/08/2023 18:50

Dishwashers, especially ones in rentals which are often the cheapest available, are not perfect. In fact they are often shit.

When I was living in a shared house I was constantly having to clean cutlery, plates, bowls, mugs etc that had been put away - people just assumed it was clean because it had been through the (shit) dishwasher!

After a while, it grates.

Show quote history

@Flickersy

things grate when you live with others.

dishwashers are a nightmare.

However, the OP said!

and it’s annoying her because it’s me not washing up properly

shes not, not washing up properly. If the flatmate us fed up with the dishwasher not working properly, she can get in touch with the LL/agent. If she feels the OP isn't checking the cleanliness of the dishes out of the dishwasher, she would have said that & surely a conversation about what they're going to do about the dishwasher was a better way forward, than accusing the OP of not DOING the dishes properly.

Newusernameforthiss · 07/08/2023 22:41

Clean the spray arms of the dishwasher
It will probably make everything immaculate
Tell her you fixed the dishwasher
Ask her if she wants to share or should you still go shopping and if you do you'll need half the cupboards

Sorry you're going through this, the housing crisis SUCKS 😭

Newusernameforthiss · 07/08/2023 22:42

If you don't know how, Google the make and model of the dishwasher. Probably you just need to unscrew the top arm. Toothpicks are great for poking out stray bits of rice/chickpea skins.

Also do the salt and rinse aid.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/08/2023 22:45

It's a bit shit if she didn't raise it with you and give you a chance to rectify it.

And agree with PP that if it's a shared flat that you both rent half of, you can claim half the kitchen space.

I'd say something, just 'how come you never mentioned this to me...and we could have looked into cleaning the dishwasher rather than going to all the effort of rearranging the kitchen. If we aren't sharing anything then I'll need half the kitchen space for my things, I'll buy some at the weekend so please can you make sure you've cleared 3 cupboards and two drawers by then, thanks

mumda · 07/08/2023 22:47

Move?

Layla30 · 07/08/2023 22:56

My daughter shared a flat with a girl just like that last year (you aren’t in Scotland are you….🤔)
The girl took over the flat, made all the rules, everything had to go her way.
thankfully my daughter had enough and now has a great flat on her own and loves it.
You need to seriously think about whether it’s worth continuing to rent with her as it will not get any better unfortunately.

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