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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

cancelled visit - should I say something?

16 replies

nidgey · 07/08/2023 10:36

We've friends who live abroad and got in touch a month ago to say they'd be in our city on 25th July for the afternoon and the 18 August for the night and would love to catch up with us all then. The day before they were due to meet for the afternoon, they got in touch saying they wouldn't be able to after all. A few days before the 1st of August they got in touch to say they'd be briefly passing through on the 1st and hoped we could do lunch.

I was the only one here on the 1st so I arranged lunch with them and then as they were leaving I said - see you all again on 18th and they said - oh we've changed our flights so won't see you then. We'd already made arrangements for the 18th (including arranging our holidays around spending that evening with them), my 3 dcs and dp were excited to catch up w their 3 but it's not happening now

WIBU to say anything to them? They've sent an email to say it was good to catch up with me but I'm a bit irked at the very casual way they changed and cancelled the other parts of the visit.

OP posts:
Charlieiscool · 07/08/2023 10:47

I don’t think I’d say anything but it wouldn’t be happening again.

LuvMyBoyz · 07/08/2023 10:50

Agree with PP. Don’t mention it but now you know how they work you can take it into account in future. Sorry you were all let down.

AuntMarch · 07/08/2023 10:50

I'd have probably said at the time "oh that's such a shame, we'd planned the summer holidays to make sure we would be here, the DCs have been really looking forward to it" but I'm not sure I'd bother now. Just next time they said they'd be local my response would only be "if we are here when you come.."

Original poster
nidgey · 07/08/2023 11:02

Ok thanks, I won't say anything then!
I know situations can change but I do think it's inconsiderate of them to not think that we might have made arrangements around their visit and that they should have apologised. It's not a massive deal but the other thread about people 'just popping by' reminded me of it!

OP posts:
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 07/08/2023 11:07

I think I’d reply and say ‘that’s a shame. We adjusted our own plans to fit around the two days we were expecting to see you so if we arrange to meet again and your plans do change if you could let us know asap it would be appreciated at our end.’ I see no reason why sending that would somehow be impolite and yet cancelling twice without a thought for you is something people think should just be allowed to slide.

bananaboats · 07/08/2023 11:27

I wouldn't say anything but wouldn't plans things around them again

DinnaeFashYersel · 07/08/2023 11:29

I'd say something

Janieforever · 07/08/2023 11:30

How far did you go to change things for one evening with them? I’m sure they didn’t realise you went to so much trouble.

people are allowed to change travel plans and they still made a point to see you. I don’t think you should say anything.

Luxell934 · 07/08/2023 11:44

No don't say anything, especially anything passive aggressive. What can be done about it now? Nothing since they've already changed their flight. They are visiting from over seas so they probably have a lot of friends and family to fit in, it's likely nothing personal. Plans change. Effectively they've given you 2 weeks notice, so it's not like you can't make new plans for 18th now.

midnightrecovery · 07/08/2023 11:46

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 07/08/2023 11:07

I think I’d reply and say ‘that’s a shame. We adjusted our own plans to fit around the two days we were expecting to see you so if we arrange to meet again and your plans do change if you could let us know asap it would be appreciated at our end.’ I see no reason why sending that would somehow be impolite and yet cancelling twice without a thought for you is something people think should just be allowed to slide.

This was a good and fair reply. Let them know you actually changed your own plans for them. Because you did.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/08/2023 11:56

I would say something as well. It's very inconsiderate of them not to have told you beforehand.

Original poster
nidgey · 07/08/2023 12:01

Janieforever · 07/08/2023 11:30

How far did you go to change things for one evening with them? I’m sure they didn’t realise you went to so much trouble.

people are allowed to change travel plans and they still made a point to see you. I don’t think you should say anything.

Well for the first cancelled visit we made sure we'd all be here but then weren't when the dates changed. For the second one we were due to visit relatives at that time (we'd originally thought 18-25) and booked flights for a shorter stay than originally intended (20-25) so we could spend the evening with them. We let them know we'd arranged to be here.

I know plans change and I'm not taking it too personally but I guess just a tiny sorry we've changed our plans would have been nice.

I've decided I won't say anything, and probably just wanted a bit of a vent. As I said, it's not a massive deal in the scheme of things, I tend to stick to plans pretty religiously and my dcs are pretty disappointed as they'd made a really nice plan to show the other dcs around and make dinner etc.

OP posts:
Porageeater · 07/08/2023 12:09

It is rude and feckless of them. They should have told you at the point the plan changed and been apologetic. But yes going back to them now and saying something would seem a bit overblown.

TenoringBehind · 07/08/2023 13:26

i wouldn’t say anything but would not change plans around them in future

wineschmine · 07/08/2023 13:29

nidgey · 07/08/2023 11:02

Ok thanks, I won't say anything then!
I know situations can change but I do think it's inconsiderate of them to not think that we might have made arrangements around their visit and that they should have apologised. It's not a massive deal but the other thread about people 'just popping by' reminded me of it!

It is inconsiderate.

In my experience people are either the type to do this, or they are not (sadly, the former seem to be increasingly common).

Now you know that they are like that, only make plans if it suits you, and don't think twice about cancelling if it suits you.

ohdamnitjanet · 07/08/2023 14:50

People who do this are massively rude. Change arrangements by all means, shit happens, but have the courtesy to let you know instantly. I have had local friends who frequently cancel at such short notice, once as I was leaving the house, they are no longer proper friends. It’s so disappointing when you are looking forward to something, and my life is too damn short to waste it on people who obviously don’t give a shit. I don’t say anything because they obviously think it’s ok to continually let friends down, I just refuse to arrange anything in advance.

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