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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nosy Parents

2 replies

Notastayathomemum · 07/08/2023 03:57

My DD (19) recently went to see my sister during a holiday back to UK. She stayed with my sister in between travelling and had a lovely time. ( Apart from 3 instances where my sister tried to bad mouth me for cutting contact and making out she is a victim -saying I don't know why your mother hates me so much and you (DD) can make up for the sister that disowned me ) For context - this sister and I don't have a relationship, she has mental health issues and has in the past regularly lashed out and sends nasty e-mails messages etc, gets my parents involved and they start lashing out verbally abusing me -so for my own peace I have not made an effort with the relationship. My DD and DS know of her mental health issues but they have never been directed at them only me so I don't have an issue with them having a relationship (however they do let me know if anything seems a bit off ) . My Parents and this sister are super close and TBH thats where the problem mostly lies as they gossip and bitch about me and my other sister - but thats another story. My parents live about an hour away from me. Anyway my parents called my DD yesterday ( I was away) and asked her to come for lunch. DD said she would rather wait for me to come back from my trip then we could all have lunch. My Dad said he wanted to just see my dd and kept saying to her " if you know what I mean" he said he wanted to get the low down on my sister. DD just said Aunt is doing well. Then my mother called DD and asked the same saying that she wanted to catch up with out me during the week. DD said mum (me) gets a lunch break and she can join us and my mum said she wanted to talk to DD alone. I am angry as its putting DD in a spot which is unfair. My parents and I have this agreement that we don't talk about my sister as it always gets into a heated discussion and they just don't understand why I have decided to not have a relationship with my toxic sister. But its not DD's business, and its unfair for my parents to put this on DD. I told DD to just say that you don't want to break Aunty's trust so will not be discussing her but is happy to talk about other aspects of the trip. Question is here do I approach my parents to address this or just leave it and let DD sort it out as she is an adult. Shall I nip it in the bud? My parents are very manipulative and have very narcissistic traits, they have purposely done stuff to hurt me/ exclude me in the past and I don't want DD being in the middle of this.

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 07/08/2023 07:03

I don’t think there would be any point in talking to them about leaving DD out of it, presumably they wouldn’t listen. You could try calling and stating something like “I know you have asked DD to lunch to ask about DSis, but that won’t be happening and don’t ask her to give you information about DSis, as she won’t.” I wouldn’t bother with anymore than that though as with people like this you can’t talk things through you just have to show them through boundaries what will and wont happen.

Honestly though sounds like your DD managed the situation well. Maybe just give her some reassurance what she did was right, talk through some other strategies and let her continue to manage it. She is an adult and sounds capable of managing difficult relationships. So long as she knows she can come to you for advice/back up.

Notastayathomemum · 08/08/2023 05:08

You are right, she does handle things beautifully, I organised a family lunch on Sunday. My dad phoned DD again today asking when he’s going to see her even though I have arranged for us all to have lunch on Sunday. I just told her to set her boundaries with them and make them clear

OP posts:
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