Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Is this cheating?

22 replies

toddlerhelpplease · 07/08/2023 01:38

So I found messages on my partners phone to what I can only assume is a cam girl, I found the messages and we argued. I then kicked him out as he's done this before, once is a mistake but twice is a piss take to me. I told my closest friends and they don't see it as cheating, disrespectful and gross yes but they wouldn't put their partners out over it. Aibu?

OP posts:

thecatinthetwat · 07/08/2023 01:40

I wouldn’t stay with someone who did that. But it’s really about you op, would you stay? Doesn’t really matter what anyone else would do.

Thedogscollar · 07/08/2023 01:42

No you're not. He sounds awful. You could never trust him and it sounds like you're well rid. Forget the low standards your friends accept this isn't about them.

Original poster

toddlerhelpplease · 07/08/2023 01:43

thecatinthetwat · 07/08/2023 01:40

I wouldn’t stay with someone who did that. But it’s really about you op, would you stay? Doesn’t really matter what anyone else would do.

No, the first time I could take as a silly mistake but a second time? Pure craziness, we have two beautiful children and all I can think of is if I'm blowing their lives up over nothing. I'm only 10 weeks PP so wonder if my hormones have made me more sensitive.

OP posts:

ConsuelaHammock · 07/08/2023 01:45

Yes it’s cheating!

MsDogLady · 07/08/2023 06:21

Yes, it’s cheating to me — an interactive sexual experience.

matchamate · 07/08/2023 06:24

It doesn't matter what you're friends would do. Keep your standards. Best of luck.

Masterofhappydays · 07/08/2023 06:24

Yep, cheating.
I hope you’re ok OP. Look after yourself and your little baby x

GardeningIdiot · 07/08/2023 06:32

I'm only 10 weeks PP

Jesus, he's a nasty pos. I'm so sorry, OP.

VinEtFromage · 07/08/2023 06:34

@toddlerhelpplease

It doesn't matter what you call it or what your friends think. All that matters is that YOU find it unacceptable.

Some would have ended it the first time, but you didn't, but he knows you find it unacceptable and he CHOSE to do it again, knowing what he was risking.

You're dealing with post birth stuff & a new born & he's 'connecting' with a cam girl. I'd find that unacceptable too!! You're NOT being too sensitive, you're doing the right thing IMO. If he thinks that's fine now, it'll only get worse

You can do this. I hope you have some more supportive family/friends!!

YOU arent blowing the family apart, HE is. HE chose to do that, knowing the risk. Fucking idiot!!

UndercoverCop · 07/08/2023 06:39

Not only is it cheating, but he believes women and sexual consent can be purchased. It would be a deal breaker for me, even more so as you have a new baby!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2023 06:41

Your friends can decide their boundaries. He already knows yours and fucked up.

What an arse.

Original poster

toddlerhelpplease · 07/08/2023 06:43

It's so complicated, I'm 300 miles from my family. I do badly want to go back but I'm not safe to drive at the moment. My family can't come here, I'm stuck in it alone.

OP posts:

WaltzingWaters · 07/08/2023 06:52

Oh I’m so sorry. He’s a twat. Don’t take him back cause he’s unlikely to stop. He’s probably wasted a LOAD of money on it too.

I used to sell sexting sessions for some extra ££ and it amazed me the amount of utterly disgusting guys there were out there paying ridiculous amounts of money for me to lie to them about wanting to suck their dicks when they said they had a partner in the next room they were hiding away from.

Find someone who deserves you OP.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/08/2023 07:17

You had a baby ten weeks ago and he’s messaging some other woman to pay her to do fuck knows what on a camera for him?

Who gives a shit if your friends think it’s cheating, that is NOT ok.

He’s scum. And your friends have embarrassingly low bars.

Zanatdy · 07/08/2023 07:20

I watched confessions of a cam girl yesterday. Yes I’d consider it cheating. It’s disgusting paying for that when you’re in a relationship with kids. Fair enough if you’re single and want to spend a fortune watching a woman take her clothes off / play with sex toys, but when you’re meant to be a family man, no, just no. I’m sure your friends would have a different opinion if it happened to them

Dotcheck · 07/08/2023 07:24

What difference does it make if he inserted any of his body parts into anyone else?

He’s been disloyal and disrespectful- neither traits make for a healthy relationship

Abfab63 · 07/08/2023 07:53

To me that's cheating. But everyone has different boundaries.

I'd use the baby as an excuse to move in with my parents and get some help. However if this isn't an option then perhaps now isn't the right time to leave as it's going to be hard for a few months (I'm only suggesting this if he's actually helpful).

Get your ducks in a row to do it asap though. He won't change x

dontgobreakingmy · 07/08/2023 08:35

I don't know if it's cheating as such.

I do know I wouldn't put up with it. It's disrespectful and wrong!

Do not take him back.

You can do this!!!!!

larjiggyjarjardoo · 07/08/2023 08:59

Forget them. They have lower standards than you.

If it feels like cheating, it is. It's all relative to each relationship anyway.

Your friends are not being supportive. I'm sorry to hear about that. If you were my friend I'd be saying bloody good on you for not taking that from anyone!

Having higher standards only means you attract higher quality relationships.

By the way, this also goes for friends.

ManateeFair · 07/08/2023 10:44

What your friends would do is irrelevant. You've set your own boundaries in your relationship, and your partner has crossed them. And it doesn't have to be 'cheating' to be unacceptable to you anyway.

FWIW I wouldn't mind if my DP was looking at porn but I absolutely WOULD mind if he was messaging cam girls for one-to-one attention from them. He's interacting with another woman to pay her for an individual sexual service. I would definitely end my relationship over this, particularly as this is the second time he's done it.

EveryEmotion · 04/11/2023 12:39

I think you have done the correct thing. Friends or not, everyone has their own boundaries. These are yours and they should be respected. I agree that once is a mistake. Twice is disrespect. Be proud you stood your ground 👏

Didimum · 04/11/2023 12:57

It makes me so sad on here to always see so many posts on ‘is this cheating?’. I mean this with 100% respect, OP – why are you looking to other people to validate your own boundaries and expectations in your relationship? It does not matter ONE BIT what other women recognise as cheating or find acceptable. And you wouldn’t have asked the question if it didn’t violate your boundaries. If it was acceptable to you, you would have simply gone about your day.

If it does violate your boundaries (it does), then the bigger question you should be asking yourself is why do you think you deserve it? And why are your standards so low?

If you look for external validation of your feelings on here and from your friends, then I think it’s very possible you also look for validation from your partners. Quite frankly, if your with the sort of person who thinks it’s acceptable to message cam girls for sexual gratification in a relationship, then the only validation he can be giving you is that you are worthless.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread