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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I just not that much of a mother bear or whatever they call it ?

39 replies

Sistaas · 06/08/2023 17:00

I've been spending a few days with my sister and her family..

I noticed some significant differences in our parenting styles. Her kids are a little older but I feel like she's always been like this and I just don't have the same instinct and I'm wondering whether I'm missing something and should be more like my sis or if she's OTT.

I'll give a couple of examples. If anyone even tries to reprimands her kids in any way, she gets really pissed off. For example she told me about how at nursery the teacher told her that her DD hadn't been kind one particular time and they'd had to have words with her about her behaviour. Standard stuff. My sis was so angry about this inside. She told me she thought 'you fucking bitch ' about the teacher for criticising her child.

Sometimes her kids get into the usual squabbles at nursery and this makes her so mad at the children. ' it's not ok! These kids are animals '.. it's just normal nursery stuff in my opinion. Nothing extreme. I get told that my child has been in a scuffle about sharing and I just tell the teacher we will work on kind hands at home. It doesn't make me angry or outrage me if a teacher says my child behaved less than favourably.

Well, unless it's constant ( which it was at one of her nurseries so I took my child out ). But the occasional ' this happened today ' from a teacher, doesn't make me angry.

Same with if I say anything to her children, like please can you put this down, or please remember to close the door. Minor stuff. She's always right there to defend the slightest thing. I don't have a go at her kids or anything like that. Just minor safety things. ' oh she didn't know she needs to shut the door ' 'ok that's fine but I just reminded her to please do it '...

Yet when it comes to my kids, there's a lot of nasty talk about how they behave. If we reversed that, she would go nuts.

Also just generally out and about when someone accidentally bumps her kid, she gets really annoyed.

Something happened today at soft play where my DD tried to touch a baby in a pram ( not on ) and the parent forcefully removed her arm. My DD held her arm and said it hurts after the parent did it. I didn't love it. I know my DD did something wrong there of course. But I think the parent could have swatted her hand away more gently. The parent grabbed her arm really hard. I didn't do anything about it. But my sister would go absolutely nuts if someone did that to her children. The fact remains that the parent probably was accidentally forceful, but could have said sorry for hurting your arm to mu DD, but can't touch my baby. That's what I would have done. I would have felt bad if I hurt a child in the process or protecting my own.

Anyway, it made me think that maybe I need to stand up for my children more. I could have said to the parent ' I'm sorry my child tried to touch your baby and I was too far to stop her myself , but please take care because you were quite rough and hurt her in the process and you don't seem to care '. ( I apologised for my DD ) and the parent just walked on.

OP posts:
fuschia1981 · 06/08/2023 17:09

Your sister is OTT but you should have dealt with that parent appropriately. If a grown adult hurt my child's arm for any reason I would go mental.

CopperSeahorses · 06/08/2023 17:15

I don't have an issue with people reprimanding my child if appropriate but I would have an issue with them doing it in a way that hurt them, that is not on.

BarbaraV · 06/08/2023 17:16

I would go nuts if someone forcibly grabbed my child's arm. I don't know many who wouldn't.

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 17:16

I agree with @fuschia1981 , your sister is OTT, but you are too passive. What that parent did was too much. You should have pushed her hand away and asked her not to touch your child.

Yet when it comes to my kids, there's a lot of nasty talk about how they behave. If we reversed that, she would go nuts.

Your sister is nasty about your kids? Stop exposing your kids to her. Kids are like sponges, they will realise that they are lesser than their cousins and feel inferior. Either stand up for your kids or stop seeing your sister.

Peony654 · 06/08/2023 17:17

I think there’s a middle ground, your sister is too extreme one way, but you should have reacted more strongly to them grabbing the arm. It’s really inappropriate she’s nasty about your kids as well.

HandInMine · 06/08/2023 17:18

Your sister is ridiculous but you should have said something to the parent at soft play, that’s not on.

Original poster
Sistaas · 06/08/2023 17:19

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 17:16

I agree with @fuschia1981 , your sister is OTT, but you are too passive. What that parent did was too much. You should have pushed her hand away and asked her not to touch your child.

Yet when it comes to my kids, there's a lot of nasty talk about how they behave. If we reversed that, she would go nuts.

Your sister is nasty about your kids? Stop exposing your kids to her. Kids are like sponges, they will realise that they are lesser than their cousins and feel inferior. Either stand up for your kids or stop seeing your sister.

Yeah I should have reacted to the man doing that today. I was really angry inside but I didn't want to cause a scene.

With regards to being really ' nasty ' about my kids. Maybe that's not the right way to say it. My DD has tantrums when she can't get her way and my sis just says stuff like ' here we go again ' etc. I guess it's not ' really nasty ' but I don't love it.

OP posts:
TimeToMoveIt · 06/08/2023 17:20

Your sisters ott some parents are. They tend to be total pitas as well and quite often so are their kids

POWL01 · 06/08/2023 17:20

I was with you all the way, I'm a very relaxed parent much to my in-laws chagrin, until you said an adult forcefully grabbed your DD's arm and hurt her, I'd have ripped their fucking throat out quite honestly 🤷‍♀️

SiousieSoo · 06/08/2023 17:26

That is so awful your daughter's arm was hurt by this adult man, how dare he touch a child so forcefully? I am like you, I never felt aggreived if a teacher had words with my children and welcome honest and open comments. I can totally understand how, in the heat of the moment, you could not find the words to challenge this horrible man. You were maybe fearful of escalating the situation as if he can do this to a child what is he capable of doing to an adult? All these people saying they would rip his throat out, go mental etc.... Exactly how would this manifest itself? Would you actually physically attack him or start screaming?

You sound like you have an appropriate set of reactions and your sister sounds woeful to be so elevated in her responses. I do think you need to retaliate to her if she criticises your child. She sounds very irritating and overbearing. It does sound like you are a bit too passive with her.

Original poster
Sistaas · 06/08/2023 17:33

SiousieSoo · 06/08/2023 17:26

That is so awful your daughter's arm was hurt by this adult man, how dare he touch a child so forcefully? I am like you, I never felt aggreived if a teacher had words with my children and welcome honest and open comments. I can totally understand how, in the heat of the moment, you could not find the words to challenge this horrible man. You were maybe fearful of escalating the situation as if he can do this to a child what is he capable of doing to an adult? All these people saying they would rip his throat out, go mental etc.... Exactly how would this manifest itself? Would you actually physically attack him or start screaming?

You sound like you have an appropriate set of reactions and your sister sounds woeful to be so elevated in her responses. I do think you need to retaliate to her if she criticises your child. She sounds very irritating and overbearing. It does sound like you are a bit too passive with her.

I feel rubbish every time she leaves and like a bad mum. The behaviour isn't outright nasty towards my children, like I said in my opening post.

She's really really sweet to them. But when they misbehave, she rolls her eyes and makes fun of them. Especially my DD who she believes shouldn't be having the kind of tantrums she has anymore. She just says ' omg that noise ' ' how do you live with that noise ' ' here we go again ' 'off she goes '. That kind of thing.

At the time it doesn't seem proper nasty. But then afterwards I reflect on it and think that if I ever said that about how her kids behave, she'd be really pissed off.

She never says anything directly to my kids. Just to me and in front of hers. Hers are a bit older. Mine are still under 5. Hers are all over 5.

Anyway yeah not my proudest moment with that man today. I should have told him to be gentler next time.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 06/08/2023 17:40

BarbaraV · 06/08/2023 17:16

I would go nuts if someone forcibly grabbed my child's arm. I don't know many who wouldn't.

I wouldn’t ‘go nuts’ unless the grabbing involved them trying to snatch my child.
If they’d really hurt them I might tell them so and perhaps expect an apology.
Its does depend on context and the behaviour of the child prior to the incident.
OP your sister sounds very intense and is going to potentially end up with a set of kids who take zero responsibility for their own behaviour. Not doing them any favours in the long run. Are they ever in the wrong?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 06/08/2023 17:48

Nobody likes their child to be criticised, but there's a difference between having a strop about a nursery worker doing their job by informing you about behaviour incidents involving your child and feeling justifiably a bit hurt when your sister makes constant little jjbes about their own niece/nephew.

I can't stand that 'I'm a mama bear' trope. It's usually code for 'I have created entitled brats who in my eyes are perfect and never wrong, and will trample over anybody else to get them exactly what they want whenever they want, and criticise other children to make mine look better.'

PinkyU · 06/08/2023 18:02

How old is your dd and did her arm have a mark on it?

Your sister is ott but it does sound like your dd needs a closer eye on her if she is prone to acting out (having behaviour reports daily from nursery suggests some issues around behaviour). How do you know your dd wasn’t attempting to harm the baby in the pram, you weren’t close enough to get to her or see what was happening?

Its rarely if ever appropriate for a child to be handled roughly but I’d say when another, more vulnerable, child is at risk from them might be an occasion where you react quickly and do so with a bit less attention to strength.

Original poster
Sistaas · 06/08/2023 18:35

PinkyU · 06/08/2023 18:02

How old is your dd and did her arm have a mark on it?

Your sister is ott but it does sound like your dd needs a closer eye on her if she is prone to acting out (having behaviour reports daily from nursery suggests some issues around behaviour). How do you know your dd wasn’t attempting to harm the baby in the pram, you weren’t close enough to get to her or see what was happening?

Its rarely if ever appropriate for a child to be handled roughly but I’d say when another, more vulnerable, child is at risk from them might be an occasion where you react quickly and do so with a bit less attention to strength.

Oh no my DD is pretty typical for her age. She's 3.

The issue at her old nursery was about a certain staff member who used to do the same thing about all the other kids and eventually was let go. It was nothing specific to my DD's behaviour.

DD didn't have any issues before this member of staff started or after, ever. I think this staff member just communicated really badly.

When the man grabbed her arm, I wasn't too far away at all. My DD was actually trying to touch a toy on the top of the pram, rather than the baby. The baby wasn't in danger, but the baby was asleep and the father didn't want the baby to wake up obviously!

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 19:21

Your sister definitely sounds OTT. You sound like a normal and proportionate parent.

I also don’t think anything would have been gained by you confronting the man who grabbed your daughter’s arm. It was only afterwards your DD said he’d hurt her, and presumably there were no marks on her or anything like that? Yes, he was too rough with her and yes, you were certainly justified in being angry inside but I really don’t see what would have been gained from you going up to him and telling him off.

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 19:38

Sistaas · 06/08/2023 17:33

I feel rubbish every time she leaves and like a bad mum. The behaviour isn't outright nasty towards my children, like I said in my opening post.

She's really really sweet to them. But when they misbehave, she rolls her eyes and makes fun of them. Especially my DD who she believes shouldn't be having the kind of tantrums she has anymore. She just says ' omg that noise ' ' how do you live with that noise ' ' here we go again ' 'off she goes '. That kind of thing.

At the time it doesn't seem proper nasty. But then afterwards I reflect on it and think that if I ever said that about how her kids behave, she'd be really pissed off.

She never says anything directly to my kids. Just to me and in front of hers. Hers are a bit older. Mine are still under 5. Hers are all over 5.

Anyway yeah not my proudest moment with that man today. I should have told him to be gentler next time.

Show quote history

I would get upset with your sister and tell her you find her comments about dc really hurtful and upsetting and could she please stop.

Summerwhereareyou · 06/08/2023 19:54

Maybe man was also being instinctive re grabbing arm..

I think you shoud help your sister understand she needs to calm down about nursery etc.

Flossiemoss · 06/08/2023 20:03

It’s a shame your dd felt she was hurt but you should have supervised her better. Someone else was being protective over their vulnerable baby and had to do the parenting I’m afraid.

if you sister is as ott as you say then she is doing her dc no favours. She can’t spend the next 15 yrs battling every teacher. Eventually they have to learn that others are in authority. Hopefully they don’t have to learn it from the police. Part of raising well adjusted children is helping them to fit into the society they live in.

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 20:07

Flossiemoss · 06/08/2023 20:03

It’s a shame your dd felt she was hurt but you should have supervised her better. Someone else was being protective over their vulnerable baby and had to do the parenting I’m afraid.

if you sister is as ott as you say then she is doing her dc no favours. She can’t spend the next 15 yrs battling every teacher. Eventually they have to learn that others are in authority. Hopefully they don’t have to learn it from the police. Part of raising well adjusted children is helping them to fit into the society they live in.

Maybe you should start believing a child when they say they’re hurt?

There’s never a good reason to forcefully remove a toddler’s arm, when the toddler hadn’t even made contact with the pram.

Flossiemoss · 06/08/2023 20:12

My child wouldn’t be near enough a strangers baby to have that problem.

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/08/2023 20:16

Your sister is nuts. And not to be emulated.

Whilst I'm fine with other people telling my kids off if that parent actually hurt your child that is completely unacceptable. I would have said something.

Xeren · 06/08/2023 20:24

My partner is a teacher, from his experience, the worst behaved kids tend to be those whose parents always defend them
(even when they misbehave / are rude). The children learn that they can do anything and get away with to because their parents will have their back no matter what and their bad behaviour escalates. Your sister getting upset because nursery staff notice her kids do normal things like squabbling / not sharing is not going to do them any favours in later life. The outside world is hard and other people aren’t going to be so ready to entertain them.

As for that incident with the man, please don’t feel bad about it! These things happen very quickly. It’s over before you can even process it and you probably didn’t want things to escalate in front of the children.

A similar thing happen to me, where another mum grabbed a toy TWICE really harshly from my baby’s hand in case her baby got hurt. I ran over to grab my baby and she looked quite embarrassed and said sorry. I just had tunnel vision and wanted to get my baby away as quickly as possible. I felt shit afterwards (I have problems with confrontation and standing up for myself and felt like I put DC in a vulnerable position). I just took it as a lesson to be more on it when he’s playing around other kids.

There’s also been times when DC got the brunt of it, like another baby gave him a whack or bigger kids not noticing him and nearly knocking him out. It’s part of socialising and sometimes they will bump into each other / have squabbles. I just try to shadow and prevent it from happening in the first place.

As for your DSis making comments, you need to shut that down. You’ve noticed it so it obviously bothers you and she’s saying this in front of her kids. You need to step in and not let her make passive aggressive comments about your DC.

Heywhatawobderfulkindofday · 06/08/2023 20:30

I'm with you OP, I'm not a mama bear and pretty happy about it, makes me much more balanced.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 06/08/2023 20:40

Your sister is over the top, sometimes kids are naughty and their behaviour needs to be corrected. There was a parent at school that would go mental if he child was told off by the teacher. Trouble was he was a little bugger and really did need to be told off.

it wasn’t on for that woman to hurt your dd though. I would probably have said something. Why does it matter if a child touches a babies arm? It’s not something to hurt a child over! Totally unacceptable.