I am mum of 2 dc and I have a husband of 8 years. We get on well and have a wonderful life together where our values match and I don’t want to change that. However.. our sex drives are totally mismatched. He has a very low libido which has been an issue for many years. He has promised to address it countless times but has done nothing. I think he hoped that having children would make me want it less (which it has to an extent with 2 very young children, one of which I am still breastfeeding.) but my drive is still there and I do not plan to check out of a good sex life just because I’m now a mother.
The worrying thing is I find myself having wildly sexual dreams and fantasises regularly. I slept with a good friend before I got together with my husband, and we had a period of amazing sex and connection (though that’s all it was, we’re mismatched in many other ways).. I ended it and got with my husband and although we have had amazing sex in the past, it’s like he’d happily live a life of celibacy and it drives me mad.
I now feel guilty that I have these thoughts so regularly. I wake up with THE biggest desire to be back in the arms of my friend. It also doesn’t help that I see said friend regularly. He is my husbands friend too! I am not planning on doing anything but I certainly can’t control my dreams. I also fantasise about an open relationship and being with someone who wants me.
I obviously haven’t told DH that aspect of it, but whenever we have discussed these issues in the past DH gets angry or shuts down. He’s promised he’ll try therapy but never actually sorts it. He promises to make more of an effort but it doesn’t ever really change. I’ve told him if it goes on like this that I’ll need to seek intimacy from somewhere and he is offended but then sort of agrees, but knows that’s probably never going to happen as I’d never want to break up our family or ruin what we have. I definitely don’t bring it up regularly any more as I guess I am so busy with our two young DC, but it’s clearly all still bubbling away under the surface, hence why I have these dreams and urges all the time!
DH is a wonderful father and we have a great life in many ways but I seriously feel this lack of intimacy and feel sad that I no longer ever feel desired by him. I hear his friends complaining that their partners don’t want to have sex and I’m secretly thinking oh my god I’d love to have a husband who wants to!
I’m in my early 30’s and I get hit on quite regularly and have had no issues in the past finding partners, which is why it’s hard that the person who I want to be with just doesn’t look at me in that way any more (despite saying he does.. I’m not so sure).
AIBU to expect change? Is it my own fault for making a family when there were signs he wasn’t so keen on sex as me?
Are my dreams of an open marriage totally mental? Will counselling or therapy help?? I literally have no idea!!