To be rethinking this whole thing now…

[Dontgotheree]

I have been seeing somebody for about 6 months now. I have quite an on and off history with him but we broke things off and quite a few years have gone by since. he’s had another relationship since then and I have one DC from a previous relationship. He knows about them but hasn’t met them yet but he seems to be nice about it and doesn’t seem to mind that I have a child and we are giving things another go. He seemed to me like he had matured

I recently heard from an old friend and we got chatting, (we have known each other since primary school) and we were just having a catch up so I thought. One of her relatives is his ex girlfriend and they were in a LTR

She has started telling me about their break up out of the blue and saying that the reason they split up was because he didn’t want children and that apparently he calls children horrible names and really doesn’t like them?

I have no idea if this is true or not or if it’s to try and put me off him? What would you think?

did she just get back in touch out of the blue to tell you that information? If so, I would be inclined to think she is making it up to try and put you off him

Seems strange how she has just contacted you now. Maybe she’s found out you are dating and is making up rumours, perhaps his ex still likes him and has told her to say something out of jealously . I would be cautious though, maybe speak to him about it but I doubt he would admit it if he did say that

I would have an honest chat with him. It's the only way forward.

Yes chat to him but I agree he may not admit to ever saying that and it may cause some tension. you may never know so I would be wary and tread carefully

It's possible he did say those things, but context is everything. If eg she said she wanted to start a family and he said he didn't she might have asked why. He could have said kids are expensive, time consuming and they suck the life out of you.....all of which is true. Not wanting to start a family and preferring to he child free is very different to disliking a child that's already here.

An old friend of mine was dating a woman for several years (good relationship). She wanted a family, he didn't and they eventually broke up. She quickly got into a rebound relationship and had a child then separated. When the child was 6 the original couple got back together. They didn't go on to have children together (he didn't want to, she wasn't so fussed now). Hes a good step dad and a great partner.

I'd be suspicious of the timing of the friend turning up TBH. Smells like sabotage.

Honestly, if she mentioned this out of the blue and she is a genuine friend, I would think she is trying to warn you. There could be more to it. Or even it’s true but he has changed.

‘Not minding’ a girlfriend has a child is very far away from ‘will be involved in any meaningful way’ or ‘happy to be around my child’.

How I would feel about it would really depend on what I wanted from a relationship long term. It’s really easy not mind your girlfriend not having a child when all it does is impact how often you see each other. Some people won’t mind because it means they get plenty of time on their own. There’s no pressure to be together all the time. The child isn’t present when seeing each other. It’s great. If you are happy staying like that, there’s no issue.

If you are wanting to live the relationship on and want him to build a relationship with the child, maybe live together eventually. You may find this causes problems down the road. I have no issue with people not liking children. I wouldn’t have someone round my kids who is known to call children names though.

Have you talked about the future? What impression is he giving you for the future?

This reminds me of a thread a few weeks ago, where the Op boyfriend of 2 years dumped her at the point they were planning to move in together because he realised he wasn’t keen on kids and didn’t want live with hers and because of that the relationship wouldn’t go anywhere. Which could end up being the case here.

If my friend was a good friend I would ask why she told me what she did and is there anything else I need to know. They discuss it with him. Talk about what you both want or expect in the future and see where you are.

You've got an unreliable witness there, and I wouldn't make any decisive based on third hand information. Comments made generically about children being annoying, made during a row with his ex, mean nothing about whether or not he would be kind to your child. It's possible that he didn't want children with his ex, or that the whole thing has been made up. Your response depends how important it is to you to have more children, and in what timeframe. If that is important, then check in with your boyfriend about whether he is interested in the future or not, and go from there. If it isn't important then just forget the whole thing.