To think it’s not hard to see/know things that need doing (at home) and just get them done?

[Lauram82]

Without going into a rant, is it really so hard to just see something and sort it out? Like there’s rubbish on the floor or a sock or a blanket, just pick it up and put away instead of stepping over it. Spotting a full washing basket and putting a load on (especially if you’re wfm and it’s a sunny outdoor drying day). Instead of saying ‘what’s for tea?’ Maybe say ‘I’ll cook tonight or even what we’re you thinking if, I’ll do it’. Literally just getting stuff done to make day to day less of a chore and share the load. I’m feeling so overwhelmed by how much is just left for me to either do or needing to ask someone else to do. I’m feeling so short tempered with my entire family atm because I’m so overwhelmed with all the ‘stuff’ that needs doing along with parenting my children, 2 of whom are preteens and a whole new ball game of ‘fun’ right now. Rotas don’t help, asking only helps to get it done once, sitting with the entire family and discussing what needs doing and how they can step up works for about a week at best before I have to start reminding everyone to do their ‘chores’, literally how do you get to a point where everyone sees what needs doing and just gets it done (on a sliding scale of expectations of course from hubby down to youngest child of course).

Honestly, I focused on the pre teens and do a solid drip feed of praise, literally every time they did something right, tidying cups, clearing tables - they got a thank you, and told how it helped - I feel much more calm in a clutter free environment and its something they pick up on.

Also our cleaner comes round every other week, expensive - but cheaper than divorce, and the kids tidy up before the cleaner comes. Most of our arguments were related to cleaning the bathroom which this has solved.

Dh, well, his strengths lie elsewhere, but essentially we eat more takeaways which he sorts out when I've hit my limit.

I have mastered the technique. Stop doing it. Say you sit down and discuss what needs doing/ do a spat etc. then just do your share. Say someone else needs to do washing but they are not - just do washing for you. Any socks etc just put it in a designated bag so you won't get annoyed looking at it

Before long you will get everyone doing their share. Worked for me

with 4 kids everyone would be naked and probably feral if I only did the minimum 😆 we already live in odd socks because I refused to keep pairing them up 😬

Every time I say i cba cooking hubby’s response is never ‘I’ll do something ‘ but pizza? Curry? McDonald’s? Chippy tea? 😆. One of my preteens is naturally super messy, the other loves order and routine but emotionally they’re so unstable atm and require so much of my mental and emotional stability to keep them on track I’m exhausted! I’d love a cleaner however it’s just too much of a luxury, we already pay a gardener to reduce my stress over cutting the lawn every 2 weeks, I totally wish I could get a cleaner too (throw in a chef and personal trainer and I’m sold 🤣)

4 kids here 8-15. Two help, two don’t. The two who don’t got a ‘maybe we’ll stop washing your favourite clothes or just bag up and bin your Lego’ talk from dh the other night (he was working til 4 the night before, I was writing early the following morning then at work, I put a note out asking for a few things to be done, he was in meetings, people had added to the things that needed to be done and he was run ragged sorting it).
He said if it’s hanging out of washing machine it goes on the line. If it’s in the basket bring it into the utility room. If there’s dirt sweep it up. Make beds, open curtains in the morning. I had a talk to compound it and just said it was a bit sad I no longer had extra time as I get home and was running about and as a kid you never think you’ll have to do everything for 5 people. They are better. Definitely better (not amazing but this week is easier). Best of luck op x

Ps to all above saying about a cleaner, that is my dream!!!

I feel your pain. I have been tempted to scream at my husband to look in the fridge and cupboard when he asks what’s for dinner despite being part of meal planning for each week.

With the preteens it works that they don't get to do anything until their chores are done.

No screens, no games, no fun stuff or sitting around until their chores are done. They learn to begrudgingly get it done quickly so they can do the fun stuff.

With your DH, he sees these things as your jobs and optional for him. For him to change, the things that don't get done need to directly affect him.

if you mean your partner, who's a grown adult.

that's your fault for putting up with it.

you should have nipped expected "woman's- wife's" work in the bud from day 1

i did

i was with my ex(never married as i don't agree with marriage) for 22 years we moved in together in 2001 at 20(together 2 and half years before that) no kids, first came along when i was a few months off 24

he was told even before we got the place I'm not your wife or your mother i wont be running the house or looking after you

everything will be done equal

it was like this from day 1, 22 years and 2 (disabled)kids later we shared everything
ive never had to nag him or pick up after him

i became a SAHM in 2004 then a full time carer as boys are disabled(son 2 came in 2010)

ex never worked as he had mild ASD and after son 2 showed signs we both became full time carers. and neither sleep(one of their diagnosed conditions)ex and i were literally 24-7 carers

even after all this ex never expected me to run the house or look after him
we ran the house, cared for 2 disabled kids that don't sleep and home educated together

the only thing he did that i didn't do was be our driver as i couldn't drive

women moaning about men not doing anything in the house. parenting kids and you find out they have been together for years my first response is your fault for not nipping it straight away

you show them your not a push over and wont tolerate bull shit like that and they wont take the piss
it nothing to do with being a male its to do with the wife have allowed the behaviour to even start and continue to go on.

kids are different, its not their job to run a house

its not their problem you had 4

Yeah, totally different experience in my house. I was a sahm for 11 years and took on the bulk of household chores in that time, went back to work as a TA last year and immediately started to redress the balance of jobs now I wasn’t free to do them, despite my best efforts it hasn’t worked, my kids are expected to do their share of keeping their own environments clean and tidy, the number of siblings is irrelevant and not necessarily worth your comment. If both myself and hubby were home every day I’m sure the balance of jobs would be met more easily, so whilst you’re trying to blame me in being complacent in my situation you couldn’t be further from the truth, my experience are high but the other players in the saga clearly aren’t as willing!

Get some of these to-do lists and write down all the things that need doing. Give a list to everyone in the household. Those who can't look around a room and see what needs doing will have no excuse. And it is much easier to say "have you done your list?" than it is to say "can you make your bed and vacuum the living room and set the table and wash up and scrub the toilet and put the washing on and put the laundry away and pick up the towels off the floor and make dinner and..."

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we already live in odd socks because I refused to keep pairing them up
My DD deliberately unpaired her socks from a young age as she wanted odd socks. Even now she's in early twenties those socks remain unpaired. I thought it was weird but I loved her for giving me back time and headspace - all socks are different colours, different motifs.

My mum gave us set daily tasks that went to another person the next day.
One laid the table, one washed up immediately after, one dried up immediately after, one put away immediately after. It became ingrained. Perhaps have a rule that while you cook dinner (I assume you do), then child 1 tidies front room, child 2 brings down laundry and puts in washer, child 3 lays table/tidies dining room, child 4 tidies something/takes things upstairs. DH cleans kitchen afterwards like surfaces/floor. Next day child 1 does the child 2 task, child 2 does the child 3 task, etc, as that way it's fair.