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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect proportional to wage contributions to the household?

30 replies

OrangeJuice9 · 05/08/2023 19:36

Until recently DH and I have always paid for particular things for the house/family. I pay for childcare and a small contribution to the household bills account (mortgage, bills, food etc) and he has paid the majority of the money going into the household bills account. I’ve always felt like I never have any disposable income. Both myself and DH work full time and earn a good wage, but with that comes high outgoings. He earns over twice as much as me so I requested a review of the finances and adjust our payments to equate to our earnings. ie he pays twice as much into the central account as me and then adhoc things like holidays/clothes for the kids is also split the same way. After working this out it now means I’m a good £300 a month (before splitting everything I buy monthly for the kids) better off. I somehow think he feels slightly bitter about this. Granted he did used to pay for most of our holidays so he paid lump sums out at times. But now he’s worse off each month he seems unhappy about it. AIBU to request things be split this way? It seems the fairest way for me and saves the arguments over me never having or being able to save any money!

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 05/08/2023 19:38

Well it wasn't him who proposed the change, was it?

YANBU.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/08/2023 19:47

It seems fair enough on the face of it. However if he was paying out for all the lump sum things will you actually be any better off or will the £300 you now have , be used to pay your share of the lump sums meaning in reality you are both still in the same position regarding disposable income?

khakitrousers · 05/08/2023 19:49

We pool all our money and pay ourselves an equal monthly allowance. Seems the fairest way.

missmollygreen · 05/08/2023 19:51

Do you both have roughly equal spending money now?

HeckyPeck · 05/08/2023 19:52

YANBU. You shouldn't be scrabbling around each month while he has loads of spare money. I think the fairest way when you have joint savings is to have roughly the same spare each month.

matchamate · 05/08/2023 19:55

I think that sounds fair as long as you both split any lump sums also

Hufflepods · 05/08/2023 19:55

I somehow think he feels slightly bitter about this

Do you think this or has he actually said anything? It sounds like he’s not really worse off if he previously was the one to fully pay for thing like family holidays which could easily make up the £3.6k.

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 19:55

I think context matters. 2 people earning whatever, working full time or the most hours they can work around childcare etc. Then yes. But for example I know someone who the wife refuses to work anything more than 10 hours a week as she says she enjoys her chill time too much. She literally relaxes on these days, no housework etc. And she spends most of the money. It causes many arguments, and I can see why in their situation.

BoredAndNotDomesticated · 05/08/2023 19:55

We pay into a joint account proportionally to our income, leaving us both with some pocket money to spend however we see fit.

When we were younger I earned more than him so I paid on the most, but now after the kids he earns the most and pays in the most. It's all just family money, and we both give ourselves enough pocket money to cover our hobbies and outgoings each month.

Fizzology · 05/08/2023 19:57

Ideally, neither of you would be 'better off' as it's family money.

Welshmonster · 05/08/2023 19:59

What does partner do with the excess of his salary? If it’s just money for him to spend on his own things then you should have some of your money to spend on whatever.

Original poster
OrangeJuice9 · 05/08/2023 20:01

No, he still has more spending money because even with putting more % of his money away, he still earns far more than me so his disposable money is greater. Which I’m fine with. He earns more so I don’t think it would be fair for me to ask him to have the same spare money as me

i think I just wanted to prove a point that every month the kids cost me loads on clothes/outings/friends birthday presents and it got to the point I was fed up of him always asking why I couldn’t ever save money.

i just didn’t know if what I was doing was excessive, asking that everything be split 2/3 and 1/3 and if most people just went 50/50 if you both work full time!

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 05/08/2023 20:03

All goes in one pot because we work the same hours and see each other as equals even if our work places pay us differently. After bills, available money is equally available with any significant spends being mentioned/discussed. There’s no his and hers money.

when we met, I earned more then he got a rise and I went part time when dc were small, I’ve now almost caught up and there’s only 4k a year difference but all money is family money.

Original poster
OrangeJuice9 · 05/08/2023 20:03

Yes ok this does put things into perspective! I can completely see how this would cause some arguments!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/08/2023 20:08

If you work the same hours (and counting household chores, childcare, running older kids around etc), assuming you both work hard (ie one of you isn't trying to make money from a hobby when you coukd easily get a better paying job) then you should just make sure you have the same spending money each. Or if you really think he deserves to have twice as much fun as you, put it all in the same pot and transfer more to him than to you for spends.

That one of the things marriage means in my opinion - you've both signed a contract which literally means resources are shared between you.

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2023 20:18

Yep. We both work full time. DH earns way more than me.
We pool money and have the same amount of 'pocket money' each.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/08/2023 20:19

I also think its worth discussing what is covered with everything before you are left with disposable income. So for example you agree to put x amount to one side for outings with the kids, but is that outings you both go on with them or just one of you or mix and match? Is it fair if you or DH randomly decides they want to do something extra with the children the other partner pays towards it or is that from disposable income? Making everything clear and equal is the best way.

AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 05/08/2023 20:24

TeenLifeMum · 05/08/2023 20:03

All goes in one pot because we work the same hours and see each other as equals even if our work places pay us differently. After bills, available money is equally available with any significant spends being mentioned/discussed. There’s no his and hers money.

when we met, I earned more then he got a rise and I went part time when dc were small, I’ve now almost caught up and there’s only 4k a year difference but all money is family money.

This, everything in one pot, bills paid, savings set aside, equal spending money.

You're a family with family money, not too individuals house sharing.

JaukiVexnoydi · 05/08/2023 20:29

The reason he earns so much more than you is because of compromises you have made in the balance between earning power vs flexibility for family life though, isn't it? Which he has benefited from too.

Therefore even though his higher salary is notionally "earned" by him it is facilitated by you.

You should be paying both salaries into a central account, paying all expenses and family spending, from that, diverting an agreed amount into joint savings accounts and paying yourselves an equal amount of disposable "fun money" for individual spending. (And make sure you aren't sending your fun money on the kids while he spends on himself)

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 05/08/2023 20:31

I’m always so confused about these posts when you have such clearly separate money pots and neither of you are allowed near each other’s. You are married so legally everything is joint, if you divorced it would be split. Is this how you are going to live your life, him stashing away and counting his pennies when they could be pooled into the family finances (and yours too) so you can make joint decisions on how to spend / save it and how your lives can be improved etc? Of course it’s fine to have some equal pocket / fun money each month but at what point is there a limit to this whole completely separate finances thing, does it go on forever?!!

Pucksandwich · 05/08/2023 20:33

I earn twice as much as my DH and we pool everything. It would never occur to me that I deserved more spending money than him: we’re a family, we both work hard, it’s just the industry I work in is better paid than his. Equally, he had an inheritance last year and it immediately became family money. I think it’s difficult to have a proper marriage if you keep money separate.

stayathomer · 05/08/2023 20:33

All money into one account: use to pay bills and live. End of totally unnecessary arguments. I don’t understand people bothering to get married if they don’t just split it all!!

PinkPlantCase · 05/08/2023 20:34

All of our income going into one account. Everything gets paid out of that account. There is no his and hers money, if we were spending more than £50 on ourselves or a gift for someone we’d give the other the heads up first or discuss it if it was a big purchase.

It works well, we earn money for the family unit and nobody feels hard done by.

It also makes it very easy to track and categorise spending.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/08/2023 20:41

JaukiVexnoydi · 05/08/2023 20:29

The reason he earns so much more than you is because of compromises you have made in the balance between earning power vs flexibility for family life though, isn't it? Which he has benefited from too.

Therefore even though his higher salary is notionally "earned" by him it is facilitated by you.

You should be paying both salaries into a central account, paying all expenses and family spending, from that, diverting an agreed amount into joint savings accounts and paying yourselves an equal amount of disposable "fun money" for individual spending. (And make sure you aren't sending your fun money on the kids while he spends on himself)

There’s literally no way you can know that from the OP - they could just be less qualified.
Some of my closest friends are women with families earning megabucks full time.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 05/08/2023 20:41

(And actually I felt quite sad reading this. It must be exhausting being in a marriage where you constantly feel financially worse off than your husband, working probably equal hours and I’m sure doing a huge amount of the mental load etc. It just doesn’t sound like a partnership or team)