DH working when he promised he would not

[IrritatedWife]

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable here.

Dh is self employed. Always has been. We're together over 20 years now. He's always struggled with deadlines & time management & this year he's been formally diagnosed with ADHD.

He's always allowed his work to utterly dominate all our lives. I'm taking about working till 10 / 10.30pm regularly. Working all weekend because of 'deadlines'. Working all nighters the night before any holidays and so on.

I work full time in a stressful job & carry 99% of everything else relating to house/ teen / food etc

I hit breaking point recently after a lot of arguments & we had some serious conversations about the pressures his working patterns were causing. He promised to change.

We had a holiday recently where the lead up was his usual chaos & stress. We spoke a lot when we were away about not wanting to continue like this.

Our house needs attention- decluttering & deep cleaning & we agreed we would tackle ii this weekend which is a Bank Holiday here.

He swore he would not work over the Bank Holiday. But as usual he ended up working till 10pm Wednesday, Thursday & Friday nights & had arranged to meet someone work related today.

I'm utterly fed up & he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I've told him he's prioritising everyone over me & our family

Now ir turns out the person he was supposed to hand the product over to doesn't want to meet until Tuesday so out weekend has been ruined for NO REASON

How would you handle this if you were me?

you need to give him a final ultimatum and stick to it. although from the sounds of it he won't change. what's your relationship like outside of this behaviour?

Thanks @liondreams it's better in many ways since the diagnosis as I know there's a reason for the way he acts

It's more that he thinks I'm totally unreasonable & over reacting for being so annoyed. We're not speaking now..

Dd needed a lift into town so he's gone ; has just said he's going to work for an hour or two. I'm so funking mad right now. He's says there's no point staying home since I'm angry so might as well go in. And that I need to stop overreacting

Gosh that sounds miserable. I think I’d tell
him hes Maui g an active choice to not spend time on the house or with his family. And that he’s choosing work. And that if that doesn’t change in the next month he needs to look for somewhere else to live. Then stick to it

Working life is hard atm.
He may not have many other choices.

It may mot be a choice or halving hours and halving income. It could be that halving hours means he stops being valued and is at risk of losing his clients.

Maybe he can’t get a corporate job at his age.

How would you feel if he were unable to earn? How would he feel if he were unable to earn?

If it is the case that’s it’s all or nothing for his business then he may be too stressed to even think it through.

Sounds like time management skills and understanding that other people are people too with their own needs are his main issues.

If this is part of his wiring, there may be very little you can do other than change how you think about it - and arrange your life differently and manage your expectations round what he's capable of doing.

It's easier for neurotypical people to do that than it is for ND people.

Seems unfair - but it may be your only recourse for yourself and your own sanity.

My DH does this and he isn’t even self-employed. He just feels compelled to work on problems that are nagging at his mind.

for the most part, we have reached a sort of middle ground. He will emerge from his home office on demand and complete tasks that I request. He has specific daily household chores that he has taken over and I have agreed I will accept will not be done by the time I want to wind down for the night, but that he does manage to get done before he sleeps.

It took a fair number of complete breakdowns from me carrying too much of the burden to get us to this point, but he finally realized he was too checked out. It’s hard when it’s work and not a hobby or something inherently selfish. Work is a contribution to the family, so you feel like you shouldn’t complain. Yet, sometimes it just gets untenable and something has to change.

He’s been like this for 20 years.

Shows zero desire to change.

Why do you think you can make him?

I left my husband because of this, life is so much calmer now but he struggles to run his life effectively without me doing everything in the background, no regrets it was exhausting and I used to hate bank holidays being left to entertain the kids while he did what he wanted in the office

You are not overreacting OP. This is really annoying, especially as he seems to be blaming you. You're not the one who has broken a promise.

Not about desire to change, this is how he lives. So accept it or leave, don’t expect him to change.

These people that work all the time are so boring and unreliable.
But it is impossible to change them.

Thank you for all the replies.
He works successfully in a creative field. It's absolutely not a 9-5 type role. I understand that and I've always known it & supported him.

As I get older, I'm in my 50s now, I'm finding it harder going. I have told him that I'm unhappy & what I want is a husband who is present, mentally as well as physically, at the weekends & who wants to plan things & do things & spend time without it seeming like some sort of favour bestowed on me.

I think I had hoped that the ADHD diagnosis would have allowed him to consider that the balance is wrong & I have not just been complaining for the sake of complaining . And that he might try to put measures in place to improve things

We just spoke on the phone there for the past hour & went round in circles. He wants to minimise the fact that he broke his promise & I'm not letting it go. I don't know how we'll resolve this.

He's kind & generous & funny & the usual pattern is he'll charm me & it'll blow over...until the next time . But I'm growing increasingly tired of the pattern.

He says his creative work can't be squared away into 9-5....

He's making an active choice not to engage with you and family life. All those hours he works - do you have a fabulous lifestyle from it? If not then whats the point?

I've been self-employed in Arts for many years now and quite often work alongside other self-employed's. It is ALWAYS the men who unnecessarily put in all the hours God sends, work finishes they're just sitting around or want to chat and socialise, or they're in a corner watching stuff on their phone etc. If anyone mentions popping into pub next door for a quick drink/venue has a bar, they're there like a shot. Anything but go home. So avoidant.

Aside from that it can be really fun and interesting in terms of meeting other creatives, bonding over the work you do, exciting events the whole creative social scene. People get drawn in.

No doubt their wives are at home thinking they're working so hard. I think you need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it, OP. The Arts does not = the 4th Emergency Service he needs to reign it in. Unfortunately I think he'll either choose work over you or, be at home so miserable that you won't want him around anyway.

I have stories to tell about Artistes who get old, haven't paid attention to relationship with partner & children so everyone leaves, and they're still hanging around on the scene because they've got no-one. & nothing else. Everyone knows and humours them...